Welcome to Purple Jesus Diaries' 2012 NFL Draft-or-Bust Off where we cover all items related to the 2012 NFL Draft as pertains to the Minnesota Vikings. At this point in the year, we will continue reviewing this crop of draft picks. We've already looked at Matt Kalil, Harrison Smith, Josh Robinson, Jarius Wright, and Rhett Ellison, so today we introduce you to the latest Minnesota Vikings' replacement for Randy Moss, WR Greg Childs out of Arkansas ...
You bet your ass I'm leading with a shirtless picture of Greg Childs. You're welcome, ladies and bicuriouses.
WHO? In the spring of 1990 (NINETEEN NINETY, DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD THAT MAKES ME FEEL), a young child was born who would one day catch the Super Bowl winning catch for the Minnesota Vikings as he brought in a fade pattern in the back of the endzone against the Baltimore Ravens. In NFL Madden Football 2016 released in a handful of years. Probably will never happen in real life. But that person will still be Greg Childs, all 6'3" and 219 pounds of him. Probably even more at that point in his career. And why not? At every other place of football he's stopped throughout his career he's made an impact. In high school in Arkansas he was an all state selection in 2007 as a senior, and at Arkansas, he was heading into his senior season considered for The Biletnikoff Award before tearing his patella tendon, which I think is some kind of pasta. He rushed back last year, not 100% healthy, dropped in the drafts, and was there for the cherry picking for the Vikings late in the fourth round.
The big question now; will he finally replace Randy Moss?!
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In a conversation that must have felt totally natural and heterosexual to him, Aaron Rodgers went on a Canadian podcast this last week called "Cabbie Presents:
| "There's two main components that a center needs to have, and it's not quickness or agility or snapping or anything," Rodgers said. "It's two things: One, he has to have a good height, and I'm talking about where his butt rests. It can't be too low because I don't wanna get deep in that stance and it can't be too high so I feel like I'm standing up. It's gotta be just right. [Jeff Saturday has] got that. ... Scott Wells, my previous center [and] Jeff Saturday — great height. Great butt height. |
Yes, I love having a nice butt sit at just the right height. It's perfect for a person to slide right in behind it, softly place your hands beneath the cheeks, not feel like your squatting over a toilet seat that's been peed on, but not so high that your legs are locked like you're standing nervously at a wedding. Nice butt, lofty butt. Good girth, probably, too. That's fantastic. "Butt" that's not all:
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This is Toby Gerhart. He is a running back for the Minnesota Vikings. Wears number 32. He's white, kind of has a fetus head, but it's only because he needs it after he went to Stanford and got all genius like with big words, math problems, and Socrates shit.
With his is what appears to be a personalized motorcycle bike object. Full disclosure: I know as much about bicycles as I know where the female clitoris is, but from what I can deduce, this bike appears to be a nightmare personified. Unless it belongs to Diggz Garza, then this shit is legit.
Either way, I have no idea why Toby Gerhart is standing next to this bike. I don't know if he owns it, offered to take a pic next to it for a fan because he's a super, duper, guy, or if this is photoshopped. I wish it was, but it's Toby, so ...... Chances are it's for charity of some sort, but that's not a very good story. So instead, we came up with some other ideas of what this bike could be for after the jump:
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Remember Warren Moon? He was like Favre before Favre was Favre but never quite like Favre because not nearly as many people wanted to strangle him with a pair of Wranglers. So I assume. The other difference is that you don't hear stories like this coming from Deanna Favre (which is kind of too bad). To the news story!
| Police said the couple was engaged in a sexual act. Organizers at the camp said police didn’t tell them right away and they had no idea what happened until Tuesday. Felicia Moon, 55, and the man she was with, James Thomas, 50, are charged with public lewdness. The Waller County Sheriff’s Office said no bond had been set. On Tuesday night the camp was set up near Hawkley. The trail boss said she didn’t think what Moon and Thomas were accused of doing was a big deal. “Well, they were out on the field, so whatever,” said Nannie Francies. “I don’t see it as big deal. When people go out on the trial, people tend to do what they want to do.” |
The couple in question here is Felicia Moon and some dude named James Thomas (THE MAN WITH TWO FIRST NAMES!) and they were at a cowboy ranch, which - from what I can gather - is essentially a place where you go play Cowboys and Indians but instead of fake-shooting Indians you get to place your smoking gun in a cock holster not attached to your belt. Sounds like a blast!
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Welcome to Purple Jesus Diaries' 2012 NFL Draft-or-Bust Off where we cover all items related to the 2012 NFL Draft as pertains to the Minnesota Vikings. At this point in the year, we will continue reviewing this crop of draft picks. We've already looked at Matt Kalil, Harrison Smith, Josh Robinson, and Jarius Wright, so today we introduce you to the Minnesota Vikings' next great fullback, USC fullback Rhett Ellison ...
WHO? Aw shit year, Rhett Ellison! 6'5", 251 pound tight end SLASH fullback out of the University of Southern California. UH, WHITE GUY!! Assured a roster spot because of that fact alone, right? And there is this - Rhett Elison went in to the draft not expecting to be selected. Instead of spending his day watching the draft results unfold, he was out on the river with family and friends preparing for a life outside of football. To the lay person, we all assumed this just meant he wasn't good enough to get drafted. The cool reality though, is that his former football playing dad told him that you can never tell what will happen with the NFL and prepped Rhett to have other plans. In a way, that's the kind of non-selfish, unassuming attitude that makes the world a little bit better of a place, and clearly will make this Vikings team seem like less of a bunch of bumbling prostates out on the field. And the truth is, he might be good enough to actually help this team, as several people a lot smarter than me liked the draft pick and his potential. Who knew?!
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After some voting and bickering between some political nerds not named Leslie Knope, the Minnesota Vikings received state funding to build their brand new stadium.
There will be plenty of time to discuss new features for the "Metrodome 2.0" as well as how a new stadium won't change the crap players being put on the field, but not now. No, now, we celebrate.
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Last weekend the Minnesota Vikings ran their rookie mini-camp. Pretty much all the rooks showed up (can or should they do that without contracts? What is the insurance on weekends like this like?) and got to know coaches, players, facilities, and see how they looked in purple. Early results? THEY LOOK AWESOME. In purple, I mean. I have no idea if any of these kids will pan out.
Vikings.com posted a brief recap of camp highlights last Saturday (still timely!) and I found one piece that really stood out:
| I can’t say he’s the most impressive of the rookie minicamp because it’s virtually impossible to give equal attention to every player without watching hours of film, but in my eyes FB/TE Rhett Ellison is having as good a few days as anyone. Ellison is billed as a big, physical blocking-type of TE. But as I said on Friday, he’s a fluid route runner and smooth pass catcher. We recorded an interview with LT Matt Kalil on Friday for next week’s Wobcast, and Kalil – a teammate of Ellison’s at USC – spoke very highly of Ellison and described him as a do-everything type of player who is also a great teammate in the locker room. I noticed that Ellison was the last one off the practice field on Saturday morning and spent a few minutes beating up on a blocking sled before retreating to the locker room following practice. |
ALL HAIL ELLISON!! Really though, we haven't done our post-draft feature on him, but it's nice to know that the pick everyone was second guessing is turning in even a halfway decent camp showing. We probably still could have signed him as an undrafted free agent, but if he actually pans out it will make this pick retroactively look like some Einstein shit. Or, as we are now coining, we will all realize that we got Spielman'd. Do you think he could have shown a LITTLE candor though and not gone straight for the Kleinsausage #40 though? Geeze, Ellison, could you make it any more obvious who you're trying to be?!
Other notes:
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Put the back of your head across your forehead like you're going to faint from relief and head over to the Vikings.com page and watch this 15 minute interview with the Vikings' Head Athletic Trainer Eric Sugarman and our very own Purple Jesus where they talk about Purple Jesus' recovery from his knee injury. He covers a wide range of topics - but apparently is focusing on his cutting *head bob* most right now - and just seeing him talk and describe his experiences on rehab is pretty exciting.
If we're being honest, I was pretty certain after he tore his knee up that it was over, we were going to have to rename the blog "The John David Blunty Stories" or something, and then circle into a mad bout of alcoholism and depression. I mean, more so than I already am thanks to factors totally not related to football or Purple Jesus. But here we are, him talking about beating teammates in sprint dashes, getting his conditioning workouts in, walking with a straight pimp limp like a boss. It's all there, and indications are that he'll roll that boulder away from his tomb the day before the team's first game and surprise the poop out of some people when he appears telling them, "Don't worry, LOL! I'm not dead, I am back to forgive your sins of being a Vikings fan and try to get you a Super Bowl! JK! We'll at least do playoffs!"
Can't wait. Here are some other notes on the video, after the jump:
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So Rick Spielman sent Ryan Longwell packing.
In what probably wasn't that big of a surprise move (I totally thought he was a free agent and didn't actually sign a 4-year contract just last year), Minnesota Vikings place kicker and kickoff "specialist" Ryan Longwell was kicked to the curb, given the boot, tossed to the dirty shoe pile, shoehorned off the team, etc, etc, foot jokes, yesterday afternoon. I say it wasn't THAT big of a surprise move because the Vikings did just draft a guy named BLAIR (wasn't that a Golden Girl?) to do some type of kicking as well, even though many speculated it would be as a kickoff specialist to start since Longwell's leg ironically didn't kick the ball very long. But, really? We're going to give roster spots to a punter (DESERVED, MIND YOU), a 38-year old field goal kicker, a kickoff specialist, and a long snapper? AH, AMERICA, WHAT A LIFE.
Well, don't worry, we didn't. Spielman cut Longwell, only has Blair Witch on the team to kick field goals, and solved the mystery, Scooby Doo. So ends the Ryan Longwell saga.
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Welcome to Purple Jesus Diaries' 2012 NFL Draft-or-Bust Off where we cover all items related to the 2012 NFL Draft as pertains to the Minnesota Vikings. At this point in the year, we will continue reviewing this crop of draft picks. We've already looked at Matt Kalil, Harrison Smith, and Josh Robinson, so today we introduce you to the Minnesota Vikings' first receiver drafted in 2012, former Arkansas spark plug, Jarius Wright ...
WHO? Former Arkansas wide receiver, Jarius Wight, all 5'10" of him, along with his 180 pounds. He played four years at Arkansas and nabbed a bunch of different Arkansas and SEC receiving awards and set a bunch of records. Setting records at Arkansas isn't really THAT awesome, since they are like the Missouri of the SEC before Missouri actually became the Missouri of the SEC, but getting top honors across the SEC is actually noteworthy. Also noteworthy? Wright was born in Arkansas, played high school football in Arkansas, then went to Arkansas for college. Now? He goes North! Poor son of a bitch. It's cold up here.
Also, he was born in 1989. What the hell. I drink scotch older than he is.
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