Notorious defensive tackle Warren Sapp has had quite the noteworthy career. He famously sent Green Bay’s Chad Clifton to the hospital after a hit that, while not illegal at the time, has now been banned in eight countries and then proceeded to call then Packer coach Mike Sherman a “a lying, shit-eating hound” for no apparent reason besides that the fact that Sherman called his fat ass out for being a massive dick head. Sapp is also noteworthy for skipping through throngs of opposing players during pre game stretches and then, surprise, when it bothered people he would get defensive like it was a personal affront to his mother and dog or both. Oh, and most recently, he skipped around on stage on Dancing with the Stars (that term was used very loosely that season) without any impetus from other players. He just wanted to wear some sequenced clothing, so I hear. And he played football for a while too, but that all seems to be a secondary feature to this bloated testicle bag now-a-days. I bring him up because he made a rather innocuous jab towards more famous all star, all around good guy and Minnesota native Larry Fitzgerald, Jr. about Minnesota last night on Twitter, which you probably missed if you had anything else going on like yard work, children to tend or some sex to have. Luckily for you, I had this covered ... Without trying to bore you to death with details (too late!), Fitzgerald put a Twitter call out to anyone in the Minneapolis area, inviting them to his brother’s birthday bash at Envy. Apparently that’s a club in Minneapolis that I’ve never been invited to (obviously), and I wasn’t going to start my appearances there on a Monday night. Anyway, instead of wishing Fitzgerald’s brother a happy birthday right away, he decided to make some remarks about Minnesota being a bad vacation destination (not entirely true), and defending that other places, such as Miami the home of decrepit drug money and fake tits, would be better destinations. I replied to him saying, hey, don’t knock the Midwest until you try it, and he then made it quite clear that he has tried it, for his first six years in the NFL and that “Minny SUCKS!” He also refused to take my opinions because I had “Jesus” in my screen name (See: Purple Jesus), and he loves Jesus too much to respect that decision. That’s why he went to Miami U and broke some dudes back without remorse. Just reminding you. Now, instead of just referring to him as a donkey with a brain injury, jabbing at a keyboard with his fat bloated fingers and trying to decipher his cryptic phonics, let’s try to get into his head and figure out what this hatred for Minnesota is all about. Is it because his team and him had a tough time playing against the Vikings? In sixteen career games against Minnesota with both Tampa Bay and Oakland, Sapp’s teams holds a .500 record against the Vikings, so that doesn’t seem like the reason. Individually, his career against the Vikings was middle of the road. Being a defensive tackle, they don’t tend to keep individual tackle stats that go back for how old he is (fucking ancient!), but he does have six and a half career sacks against Minnesota, with one interception. Again, this is over 16 career games. These results are nothing to pout at an entire state about, so the stats and record can’t be the source of his hate. Is it the classic dig about the Minnesota weather? Some of his Tweets on this topic do seem to indicate that Miami would be a more comfortable place to be, or that Minnesota may only be nice for 90 days out of the year. But that is such a low class, predictable attack on the state, isn’t it? Ha, of course not. This is Warren Sapp we’re talking about. So let’s look at just how terrible the weather typically is when he played his dreadful eight games in Minnesota:
- Sunday, December 3rd, 1995 – (Played indoors) Minnesota Temperature Average – 19 degrees Fahrenheit - Sunday, December 15th, 1996 – (Played indoors) Minnesota Temperature Average – 19 degrees Fahrenheit - Sunday, September 14th, 1997 – (Played indoors) Minnesota Temperature Average – 61 degrees Fahrenheit - Sunday, September 6th, 1998 – (Played indoors) Minnesota Temperature Average – 61 degrees Fahrenheit - Sunday, October 3rd, 1999 – (Played indoors) Minnesota Temperature Average – 50 degrees Fahrenheit - Sunday, October 9th, 2000 – (Played indoors) Minnesota Temperature Average – 50 degrees Fahrenheit - Sunday, September 30th, 2001 – (Played indoors) Minnesota Temperature Average – 61 degrees Fahrenheit - Sunday, November 18th, 2007 – (Played, again, indoors) Minnesota Temperature Average – 33 degrees FahrenheitSo let’s recap. During his eight game visits in Minnesota, he played every single game indoors in a controlled temperature environment and was probably bused from his hotel to an enclosed drop off point, never having to actually face the weather. If I remember correctly, the Metrodome is always “chilled” to a brisk 65 degrees, and probably plays hotter when you’re on the field. Mmm. Lovely. Also, for six of his eight games here it was above freezing outside, and during all eight games, the air temperature was an average of 44 degrees. Cold? Maybe. Terribly uncomfortable and soul sucking? Sure, if you’re a huge fucking pussy that’s only handled freezing temperatures after you’ve beaten a child to the brink of death for their push pop in south Florida. Which Sapp might just have done that, if he hates Minnesota so much after not even playing a game outside. Still. I bring this up because this tired excuse of Minnesota being too cold for players is redundant beyond measure, and hearing a loud mouthed Thug U “graduate” speak about the cold like they know anything about it is laughable. You know what? It does get cold around here. It’s what makes us men here and proves that we actually have a penis between our legs up north. Do you think it doesn’t get cold in New York? Or Chicago? Or Green bay? Or Denver for the matter? It gets cold everywhere, people, and if you can’t handle it then stay the fuck out. The cold weather here is our rite of passage. If it’s too much for you, take your frozen vagina back south. It’s how we keep out the riff raff. And then when we have the summer months roll around, we don’t have a bunch of infected gash wounds like Sapp flocking north to visit us because they still think it’s too bitter, so we get to enjoy the amazing summer time all to ourselves. So, Warren, thanks. Any time Minnesotans can have an obnoxious dick wad spout off and tell the masses about how our fair state is a shit hole and that no one should take a vacation here, we’ll take the free deterrents. It keeps people of your like mind away from us and we get to surround ourselves with appropriate company, or at least people that don’t frequently threaten 50 year old men and break people’s spines. It makes things, like life, that much more bearable and also allows everyone in North America to remember how much of a worthless broken condom accident you are. And no, you’re not welcomed back anytime soon, fat ass, so keep dancing.