Fuck it, let’s do this: Alright, listen up assholes. I’ve had a terrible week. My opportunities to vent and post shitty stories and spew hatred on the internet like any other blue blooded (it is blue, right?) American has been castrated this week and it makes me furious. I’ve been brewing in salty anger all day long and I am ready to explode into the back of someone’s mouth. Or, at least watch as I experience a killing spree vicariously as the Vikings head to New Orleans this weekend for the NFC fucking Championship Game. Did you read that correctly? Yes, you did. For the first time since the 2000 season the Vikings are one of the four best teams in the entire NFL. I know, I know … it’s almost too much to believe. But it’s true (on paper, anyway) and if you’re anything like me - terribly pessimistic, dickheadish, petty and juvenile – then you also know that they have a DAMN good chance of being the first or second best team in the NFL, because this match up against the Saints is what Viking fans have been lusting over for a while. Amazingly, things are stacking up in the Vikings favor, even if it doesn’t look that way to start. But think about it. The Vikings are 11-0 on artificial turf this year. They’re facing a defense that statistically ranks in the 20s in all categories. The only times the Saints have faced any defenses in the top 10 this year (which the Vikings are) they’ve either lost or pulled a Music City Miracle out of their butt holes. Sorry, you pricks, but I’m not buying it. Like Matt Bertz on Twitter pointed out this week:
"As history points out, Saints aren't very adept at stopping the pagan Vikings from raping and pillaging. Lock your doors New Orleans!!!"That's right. The Vikings, like their ancestors, are filled with a blood rage this weekend and you’re history of bed shitting and disappointment is on a crash course to continue. Fuck you, fuck your city, and fuck your hopes and dreams. This NFC Championship is ours. Thanks to a rube named Gandar over at Rube Chat who made another game day preview graphic! I’m done with you New Orleans: Ok, listen up New Orleans. I get it. I get that you people have nothing left in your life to be happy about. It is a terrible situation for you and I kind of feel bad for you, but not really. But you know what? I don’t care. I don’t care at all this weekend. You could be the epicenter of a hurri-nami-quake this weekend and I would say to myself, “Fuck those guys, I don’t care. I hope the Vikings battle dance you all straight to hell” and I would mean it too. I swear it. I get that you’ve had hard times as football fans too. Until Drew Breesus showed up you had maybe some of the worst quarterbacks in the history of the NFL, outside of the Chicago Suck Faces, of course. Well, la di da, you have a midget who throws the ball around like a brat in a ball pit. Congrats. I don’t care. Oh, you have a coach who looks like he’s related to Hines Ward with as much as he squints all the time. Big fucking whoop. This weekend you, your team, your fans, and your mailmen are trash to me. You think you’ve had it tough? How about going to four Super Bowls and getting blown out in all of them. You ever had heart ache like that? … What? … what do you mean when you picked the pieces of your life back up? Again, I don’t fucking care. What I DO care about is that this weekend there are two teams who have shitty history of success and that only one team gets to come out on top with a chance to have their hearts broken in the Super Bowl. I probably shouldn’t wish for this, but god dammit, it better be the Vikings. I don't think people are excited enough for this: Has anyone else noticed this? I think that we all got so excited about fisting the Dallas Cowboys that we're exhausted for the Championship game. And that's a bad thing. We - fans, players, management, ball boys, hookers that raise player spirits, everyone - we all need to be much more amped for this game than we currently are. We got like two days to freak out, so hurry up. Need some help? Big Daddy Drew went ahead and touched on how inept the Vikings have been historically, which you should read to help you understand just how close to something fantastic we are. You also should think about how damn important this game is to yourself. I mean, if the Vikings win this game they are IN THE FREAKING SUPER BOWL. Do you know when it was that this feat last occurred? 1976. I can't even think about how long ago that was. People born in that year must be like 38 or something. That's ridiculous. That means that for the majority of people that read embarrassing dick joke sites like this probably have never seen the Vikings in the Super Bowl. Think about that. Or, to put it in terms you may understand, it's like how you've never actually seen a vagina. Sure, you've seen some on the old RedTube or whatever, but in real life, when it mattered? Hasn't happened. In fact, it's almost unfathomable, for both things being discussed here. For that reason alone I think we need to amp our efforts up. I hate Brett Favre with the passion of a thousand Mel Gibson movies, but if he were to somehow take the Vikings to a Super Bowl and, lord forbid, win the damn thing? God I would just hate myself like a teenage girl who thinks she’s fat and love every moment of it. But that's why THIS upcoming game is so important. So do good, team, and fans? Buck up and let's get excited. Things that can go wrong: Of course, there is always a prevalent sense of defeat that resides within the gut of all Vikings fans. You never really feel like the team is deserving of a win or good enough to win it all. I mean, if the Vikings were amazingly somehow to win it all this year, I would consider them to be one of the worst Super Bowl teams ever. We nit pick. That's just what we do. And we do so because we know just how much shit can hit the fan and then splatter back right into our faces, maybe having a bit land on our outstretched lip so then we’d have poopy mouth. Gross. So what could go wrong? Well, it could look like the Panthers game all night, where the secondary kept getting burned pass attempt after pass attempt. That Drew Brees guy has the ability to accomplish that. We could also be on the precipice of the ever anticipated Favre-erception that we've all known is waiting in that right arm. When will it happen??! Early on to crush our spirits before the game even gets started, or late in the fourth quarter when winning actually appears tangible? Crap, I can hardly contain myself. One of the receivers could get hurt too, or they could just hold Harvin out with his titty migraines again. Dammit, Percy, go smoke that dope and get on the field. Also, Brad Childress could get around to putting his foot down again, and that would most likely guarantee a loss as well. Run, run, pass? Always a recipe for a win! As part of the Vikings fan makeup, I can't go into this game without expecting the worse, so I'll bet all of this happens: Favre breaks his arm while throwing an interception because McKinnie couldn't contain Will Smith on the rush, and Purple Jesus gets blind sided on the Darren Sharper INT return, breaking his back and paralyzing him for life, while Brad Childress nods approvingly because he called for a pass play instead of a run. God, that would suck. Game time snack of the week – Trader Joe’s veggie sticks: Ok, hear me out here. Last week the laday and I went out with some friends who have a baby for drinks. The baby didn’t drink, much, but that’s beside the point. While the rest of the adults ordered delicious alcoholic beverages and ate fancy food that wasn’t mush, the baby got to eat some tri colored looking wafer sticks. Ha ha! Babies are silly, and I am far more intelligent than they are! But wait, perhaps not? The wafery stick enjoyed by my baby friend were none of than Trader Joe’s veggie sticks, and holy blow jobs are these things fantastic. I swear to you when I say that they taste like McDonald’s french fries without all the grease and salt. And I may love McDonald’s fries more than I love Fresca. Not sure, but it’s close. So to find these tasty morsels was a blessing in disguise. If you are in the metro are and can get to a Trader Joe’s, pick them up for Sunday, if you feel like you can stomach eating anything. If you’re not? Well … you could try to find a substitute but it would be wholly disappointing.
“If the Vikings actually win this game, I…don’t even know. I can’t even comprehend this. Super Bowl? The team I root for, in the Super Bowl? Huh.”That sounds like a fairly typical stage of denial. I mean, when you say “Vikings” and “Super Bowl” in the same sentence, all I can think about is that Tanactin dick head John Madden being carried off the field after he introduced us to this little feeling called humility. Asshole. But you’re right. Nothing about that makes sense. From Peter comes:
“I have a hard time predicting what I’ll do in crazy situations (such as the Vikings winning on Sunday). I had a psychology prof tell a story of his mother-in-law, who had a perfectly sensible plan in place in the event of a fire in her home. She put all of the important legal stuff in a cookie jar on the kitchen counter and always bragged “I won’t panic if there’s a fire, I’ll just pick up the cookie jar and walk out.” Guess what? There was a fire. And what did she do? She found the $12 broom she had purchased earlier that day and ran outside. What will I do if the Vikings win? It’s as likely that I will grab a broom and run screaming into the night as not.”Ha. Stupid old people. What good is a $12 broom going to do you when your house just burned down? You’re as dumb as a baby. But you’re right, Peter. In fact, I’d almost argue that many Viking fans are in that state already, leading up to the Championship game. Think about it. That whole lack of noise surrounding this game as compared to last week is amazing. I think part of the issue is that while I built myself up for the game last week, I was going crazy for the Saints game as soon as the Dallas one ended, like the second after. Holding that level of intensity for an entire week is difficult, especially when your week fucking blows testies. I just hope that the Vikings players are better people than I am. A comment from Mullet Mullitia that needs highlighting:
“So stoked/anxious/shitting my pants in anticipation of the game…been hitting the weights all week for the chaos that will consume the NYC vikings bar”Holy shit that would be awesome. I bet someone dies there Sunday night. Are you going? Give us a full report later! And finally, Markmanxp asks:
“If the Vikings lose what would be the primary reason? 1. The refs 2. Turnovers 3. Poor Defense 4. No Percy 5. Gary Anderson”In this order, I say Refs, Gary Anderson, Turnovers, no Percy, and poor defense. The refs are always to fucking blame, and if last week was any indication with the clear miscalls against the Vikings, then we are fucked. Gary Anderson still deserves to die by having every Vikings fan kick him right in the brown spider. The turnover vote relates back to the anticipated back breaking Favrerception, there’s a chances Percy still plays, and the defense will be fine I think. How about you folks? Thanks again to everyone that writes in. I appreciate it. Remember, any and everything can be sent my way. I’m assuming you all have plans for watching the game? Got a food spread or a viewing room set up? Tailgating? Send in photos and we’ll explore them next week. Email, Twitter, Facepage, whatever. Does anyone find her attractive? First, special thanks to Bleedin’ Purple who photoshopped a bunch of people wearing the We Dat Vikings shirt on people over at Rube Chat this week. Good stuff. Secondly, really, Kim Kardashian? Go fuck off. She’s got to be as bad of an omen for a football player as Jessica Simpson, right? I mean, having Jessica in the crowd during Romo’s epic fails is pretty damning, but having Kim make an engagement bet with Reggie if the Saints don’t get to the Super Bowl? That has to have an adverse effect on Bush, right? I mean, he already has suffocating pressure to try and show up big in back to back games, right? This will make him crumble. And at that point? Kim breaks up with him and goes for … You guessed it. Percy Harvin. Just make sure she starts wearing purple after the big game, Percy. Giggity. Kluwe so eloquently put it, not go in with a game plan that includes pooping their pants. I’ll go all in. Vikings win in a thriller, 34 – 31. Enjoy the game folks. We’ll have time to be back with a (hopefully) positive game review on Monday morning. Until then, send voodoo vibes of a herpes outbreak towards Reggie Bush and pray to Purple Jesus that Harvin gets his shit together. Enjoy the game.