second of the Minnesota Vikings seventh round picks, former Rutgers linebacker fullback, Ryan D’Imperio … Name: Ryan D’Imperio. I’m having trouble deciding what his name reminds me of. Is he some type of magician? Does he D’isappear-o sometimes? Rabbits, hats, birds in the pocket, all that sort of fun stuff? Or is he part of the Italian mob? Because I’m assuming here that any name which ends with an “O” and has an apostrophe in it somewhere has to be foreign. And isn’t Rutgers in New Jersey or something? Yes, it’s like the state school … HOLY SHIT. RYAN IS A GUIDO! Measurables: Well, Ryan being a Guido changes everything. I was going to talk here about how he’s six foot two inches and weighs in at 241 pounds. He apparently ran a 4.65 40 as well, which isn’t terrible for a linebacker or a fullback, I wouldn’t think, who isn’t being asked to do much else besides be a body bag for people like Purple Jesus to run over in training camp. But with this whole Guido thing out of the bag now, we’re looking at his measurables being seven popped collars at once, a grade eight orange skin rating on a scale of one to 10, four inches as maximum spiked hair, and a 36 inch diameter. FOR HIS BICEPS, BOOOSH!! Three smiles: Let’s go straight to CBSSportsline.com who will describe some things that are cool stories bro about D’Imperio:With the 2010 NFL Draft officially in the books, it is now time to sit the new fresh meat down and POUND them for info on who the hell you are exactly. Today, we continue with the
Solid football player, instinctual and tough. Capable of making transition to fullback. Physical and hard-working. Better than athlete than most believe, with good agility in coverage and the speed to make plays. Gets deep in his drops as a linebacker and is a factor down the middle third. Attacks ballcarriers, can be explosive with his hips through the man.Let’s stop right there. “Can be explosive with his hips through the man”. So, do you think the guy that actually wrote that did so with a straight face? I mean, I understand that fluidity and athleticism for a football player, especially at the NFL level, is probably pretty critical, and so speaking about agility through the hips and quick burst and speed and all that stuff is kind of necessary, but … really? He explodes through the hips into another man. I can’t believe Ryan Guido would enjoy hearing that one. Also, he gets another smile because his last name is D’Imperio. Not fun to type out but fun to say in my head. I say it like “DE-EMPEAREO!” which makes me totally sound Renaissance Italian when I clearly have no real ties to the country. Why yes, I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed Two, why do you ask? No smiles: Well, for being a seventh round pick, and the second seventh round pick at that, I guess I don’t really care if this kid gets some no smiles or not. Regardless, here’s what CBSSportsline.com again said about him, this time being a downer and focusing on his negatives:
Missed 2007 season with broken leg. Lost weight for his pro day to run quicker 40. Good blitzer but does not always get there because he gets caught up in traffic. Is a bit stiff in the hips and elusive runners can get by him in the open field, which will be evident on special teams coverage.Wait, so now he’s stiff in the hips? Now, do we think they mean stiff like not fluid and athletic, or stiff like … rigamortis? Like, you know, in the penile region? Anyway, I think they’re talking about him as a linebacker though, and it’s been stated several times after D’Imperio was drafted that he’ll probably be moved to fullback by the Vikings, WHICH MEEEAAAANNNNSS ….. Sweet Jesus, let’s get rid of Tahi: Did you know that Tahi only has one touchdown after three years with the Vikings? Did you also know that his career rushing average with the Vikings is an amazing 2.2 yards? Did you know that I want to east a large buttered movie popcorn while I watch him run a three yard out on third and six, straight into a lava pit? It’s true. I do. It’s amazing to think that after Brad Childress’ first year here that the Vikings decided to get rid of Tony Richardson (who went on to play for two more years effectively, by the way), because he didn’t fit their idea of a West Coast fullback or something, and then they ended up bringing Tahi in. Hm. Really? I would think that any of the draft picks the team made this year after Everson Griffen have about a 20% chance of actually making the roster. However, with D’Imperio I’d say his chances are closer to 80% when the only competition he has to beat out if FUCKING TAHI. In fact, if D’Imperio get’s cut and Tahi makes the team, I think I’ve found a new enemy. Mister irrelevant? As stated, maybe not. Guido here is bigger and probably faster than Tahi. He also has linebacker experience and knows how to hit people, which you’d think would translate well to the fullback spot of hitting people in a different way (with his explosive hips?). Regardless, I would think if Guido ends up showing ANY type of competency in picking up the offense than he sends Tahi packing, and we don’t have to worry about a guy from Rutgers ending up as the 12th man in the huddle. That’s a smart person school, right? Fucking Tahi.