Hide Your Kids, Hide your Wives: Week four of the NFL season in 2010 means it's already time for the Minnesota Vikings bye week. This also, of course, means that you better fucking lock up your kids, your wives, and your husbands too, 'cause WE RAPIN' ERRBODY OUT HEEYA! Well ... Not we as in "me", but we as in the Vikings players that don't have shit to do besides have crazy sex romps in their basement. I wouldn't take part in that type of shit man, no way. Not me. ...... Regardless, ever since Daunte Culpepper still thought he was good Vikings fans have always approached the bye week with hesitation. Are we going to turn the weekend corner and see mug shots of our favorite Vikings players in the newspaper? Will there be an "Eyes Wide Shut" somewhere in Minneapolis that I wasn't invited to that will busted? Will I have to burn my Adrian Peterson jersey because there is no way I would ever where a shirt that has the name of someone on it's back that would do THAT?! Oh ... you know what I'm talking about. But PJD is here to tell you, dear readers, to keep your shit hole tight and to not freak out about the bye week. Take this as an opportunity to spend time with your family. See your wife's side for the one time during the year. Masturbate twice on Sunday now. Teach your 12 year old son how to read finally, because it's not like he's going to support you as an athlete. Or, partake in any of the following topics of conversation, as PJD once again brings you the Minnesota Vikings Bye Week preview, that's really just filled with a lot of random, awesome shit. Let's get to it.
What're those other stupid NFC Northers doing? Now, granted, there is still other professional football that is going to be played, and I know at least nine of you readers are going to be concerned about our fantasy league and bye week players. The other thing about the bye week is that it often times allows the Vikings to gain (or lose ......) ground on division teams if they play when the Vikings don't. If you remember, last year's bye week turned out awesome because we all got to watch the Packers lose to Tampa Bay, who I'm pretty sure won only like two games last year. That was hilarious and entertaining at the same time. So what's on tap for this weekend? For starters, in the noon o'clock time slot, we have the Lions facing off against the Packers in Green Bay. Call me crazy, but I don't see the Packers losing this one at home, which also means that they'll most likely go to 3-1 on the season, a full ... what ... two and a half game lead on the Vikings in the division? That fucking sucks. The other game to watch for will be the Sunday night game in New York when the Bears travel to face the Giants. The Giants are cum dribble on the NFC East's face right now, so it's not impossible to think the Bears knock them off to on their way to a 4-0 start. That's almost more disgusting to think of than the Packers, largely because the Bears are a bunch of fucking talentless boobs that have been gifted one win over the Lions, and flagged to a win against the Packers. They are shit, but have a leg up in the division, which makes me furrow my brow really scrunched-like. DO NOT WANT. So, keep an eye out here.
Thank god for college football: The other thing that's going on is college football, which FUCKING RULES. In fact, if you don't like college football at all for some gay reason, I'll kindly ask you to get the fuck out right now. You are an asshole. There is a surprisingly wonderful slate of top 25 teams playing this weekend, headlined by Standford at Oregon. If you need a team to root for you should pick Stanford as a default. Why? Because they're mostly white, if the Vikings keep losing they may be drafting their quarterback Andrew Luck, they are White Lightning's alma mater, and because I fully blame Oregon for all the ass clown uniforms that are now seen in college and pro sports. LOOK LIKE A PROFESSIONAL, YOU FUCKS. Fucking Nike can suck on a catheter. Also of interest will be the Red River Rivalry between Oklahoma and Texas. This should be watched largely because you may get to see a Texas cheerleader that looks good enough to eat a buffet off their stomach. Also, watching Texas lose at anything (Dallas, Rangers, life, etc.) is always really enjoyable, and that's likely to happenin this game. Finally, Florida and Alabama play as well. There's really not a team to cheer for here, as both teams are easy to dislike. However, let's put it this way; if you're a fan of Jorts, cheer for Florida, and if you're a fan of Justin Bieber hair, cheer for Bama. It's that simple.
Let's eat chicken and waffles, white person style: Little known fact that's not so little known anymore: I used to work in a restaurant for nine years. So I enjoy cooking and eating food. In addition to that, during last year's bye week I gave readers my recipe for my pants soiling pico de gallo. If you never saw that, go back and check it out because it's out of this fucking world. Since then, I've come across this recipe to make, what I call, White Person Chicken and Waffles. I say this because I have no doubt that this is quite possibly the most disgusting and tasteless way to make chicken and waffles, but I also don't know any better, and I still think it tastes like a mouth orgasm. It's also white person style because it's really easy. Anyway, let's get to it:
WHAT YOU NEED:
- Vegetable oil, for frying. A deep fryer would also work fucking great, but I didn't get one for the wedding, sadly.
- 1/4 cup hot sauce. It's Frank's Red Hot or bust, idiots.
- 1 large egg, lightly beaten (like a penis)
- 8 chicken tenders (about 1 pound), or just some chicken breasts cut up in tender slices. Mmmmm.
- 3/4 cup flour
- 1 teaspoon poultry seasoning, like cayenne pepper, garlic and onion powder, and other tasty shit.
- Salt and pepper. Good shit, not that gay iodized stuff
- 3 tablespoons unsalted butter (also known as enough butter to fatten your hips)
- 2 scallions, sliced
- 1 1/2 cups low-sodium chicken broth
- 4 frozen waffles. I get the cheap Target brand because I'm white, you see.
- Maple syrup
MAKE THAT SHIT:
This is so easy it makes my cock tip quiver. First, heat about 1 inch of oil in a large cast-iron or heavy-bottomed skillet over high heat. If you're rich and have All-Clad, use medium heat or you'll fuck up your pans. Whisk the Franks hot sauce and egg in a bowl. Toss the chicken in and coat it like it just got bukakked.
Combine the flour, poultry seasoning, and salt and pepper in another bowl. Keep 3 tablespoons of the seasoned flour separate for later time. Coat the chicken in the remaining seasoned flour, shaking off the dingleberries.
Put the chicken in the hot oil and fry until it's golden and cooked through, 2 to 3 minutes per side, turning once, AND ONLY ONCE. Transfer to a rack (or a ghetto plate with a paper towel) to cool slightly then discard the used oil in an environmentally friendly container. Thank you.
Melt the butter in the SAME skillet and whisk in the reserved seasoned flour until it's all smooth. I'm sure you know how to whisk because it's just like jerking off. Whisk in the scallions, and then slowly pour in the broth. Bring it all to a simmer, and keep whisking until the gravy is smooth. Also, toast the waffles, genius.
To serve, you put a waffle on each plate and cover that bitch with maple syrup. Put some of that chicken on top, slather it up in gravy, and garnish with scallions. Voila! Instant heart attack. Enjoy.
Five random songs I suggest you listen to this weekend: Like most people on this fair earth, I believe my musical selection is far superior to everyone else. This of course sounds all fine and good until someone gets ahold of your music playing device (my iPhone, in this case), puts that shit on random, and then you get thoroughly embarrassed with your Norotious BIG's "Party and Bullshit" mashup with Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA". That song fucking rules. As is, everyone listens to shit music and is an elitist snob and an asshole when it comes to things they like and clearly I'm no different. HOWEVA. Since you're sitting at work at it is LOVELY outside right now, you clearly have nothing better to do than to listen to these five randomly selected songs from my music list. Disagree with them? Got your own weekend selections? WELL FUCK YOU. No, seriously, offer yours in the comments. Here's my list:
1. "Don't Walk Away" by Chromeo off of their album Business Casual
2. "Rythm" by AWOL One and Daddy Kev off of their album Souldoubt
3. "Hold On Loosely" by .38 Special off of some fucking album. Who cares.
4. "Fade to Black" by Metalllica off of their album Ride the Lightning
5. "The Trooper" by Iron Maiden off of their album Piece of Mind
Let the joking commence!
Meme of the Week: The meme of the week is a failing little section we do in the weekly preview where we look at the best and brightest of internet toilet bowl humor and try to relate it to football and the Vikings in tired and lame ways. Since this started, you have met Bachelor Frog, Rich Raven (he's like Zygi!) Politically Neutral Dog, and Philosoraptor. This week we introduce you to another favorite of mine, which is the Sexually Oblivious Rhino. Poor, poor rhino. He's being hit on harder than the University Harlot, and he just has no idea what is happening. There are several examples of his cluelessness around the internet that are all equally splendid, but there's something about his brusque exterior that fails to match up with his sexually repressed mind. Normally you would think of a rhino as an aggressive, masculine, charge-taking animal ready to punch your ticket to pound town. But alas, this rhino is not aware of what when the lady is wet she doesn't need a towel, or when she asks you for coffee late at night it's not to actually drink coffee, or when she talks about being horny she's not talking about ... well, his horns. One day, my friend, we'll all figure it out. Oh, the rhino's color is purple too, so ... I guess that's like the Vikings.
Scotch of the Week: This week's scotch is a floral selection from Arran Island, appropriately called the "Isle of Arran 10 year" scotch whiskey. This is a very subtle scotch, for only the finest of palletes. Notice the color, a soft amber. Upon opening this scotch and taking in it's fine aroma, drinkers may feel hints of orange blossom and vanilla. By adding a couple drops of water, you may pick up a bit more on the citrus scent with soft lemon hints. When tasting it, many get a dry bitterness and can sense the maltiness. It ends up being very soft and smooth, like a gentle breeze blowing across your face at the turn of fall.
Also, if you put it in a cup with like two ice cubes, fill up this glass half way, then just drink this bitch like you would any other type of alcoholic beverage, you get drunk and it feels FUCKING AWESOME. Of course, you could always go that gay route and talk about it's maltiness. Either or.
Random Vikings cheerleader picture I've been holding on to: I'm not very sure where I picked this up at, or why I am finally deciding to post this now, but in each game preview I usually post a cheerleader of some kind, because I know you guys like to take a "15 minute lunch break" and squirt one out in the bathroom. OK, OK ... Even if you don't really get it all out and fully erect, I know you go to the bathroom, pull it out through your zipper, and at least get it to a half chub thinking about these cheerleader features. TRY GETTING TO A HALF CHUB NOW, FAIR READER. You know, with that face and all. It kind of looks like she actually just saw your penis and the photo captured her immediate reaction. .... In that case, ah .... I'm really sorry.
Crazy ass bye week predictions: Let's face it; after reading this AMAZING preview you have your weekend plans cut out for you. There is truthfully a WHOLE LOT of amazing shit you can do. However, my prediction is that you'll get absolutely none of it done. You'll read about the chicken and waffles and the pico de gallo and think to yourself "Damn, those two DO really look good. I can't wait to make them this weekend. But fuck, it's like 10:30 AM on Friday and I am so ready for lunch, but I don't get a break for so long. You know what would be delicious today? Some KFC. Or maybe some Chipotle. Aw, fuck it, I'm just eating that. Fuck this guy's recipes." That's when you'll keep reading and see some sexy looking cheerleaders and think to yourself, "Shit! I'm totally keeping that in the spank bank for later! I'm totally going to PUNISH my cock after this shit hole week at work." The truth, again, is that you won't. You'll go home, eat a tub of ice cream, drink yourself asleep, and then wake up Saturday morning with such a bad head ache that it just hurts your head even more when you divert blood from there to your penis to maintain an erection, so you'll skip out on that too. Finally, I also predict that the random selection of songs will pique your interest to head home this weekend to clean out your iTunes music folder, naming all the albums and song titles correctly and filing them away just right so they'll be easily accessible next time you want to show someone your diverse music taste. Instead, you'll find that one Jimmy Buffett album that you listen to all the time and put that on repeat while you walk around all evening scratching your growing pubic hair. You really need to cut that this weekend, too.
Regardless of how it turns out, ladies and gents, enjoy the bye week. As always, keep Tweeting away during the NFC North related games this weekend, as we'll post our Tweets O' the Game in the Monday bye week review, follow us on Facebook for more off handed and stupid comments, and feel free to e-mail us any questions, hate mail, or arousing pictures in our Contact page. See you Monday.