"OK, so I got this totally random call out of the blue which was unexpected and surprising, which I totally didn't see coming except that I kind of knew because it was the twentieth day of the fourth month of the two thousand and eleventh calendar year since Jesus was all like 'No way bro, I'm doing things my way from now on' and I kind of GET what that's all about, but you'd NEVER guess who the call was from except that you totally probably would if you even knew anthing about this bro-man because BOOM it was Percy Harvin and he was like 'Check it Boooooootttttteeeeeeeee weeeeee gggoooooooooonnneee geeetttt hiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhohyeahand Favre retired so you can have your number four back if you want it."
"It was right then when I almost dropped the phone, which then almost made me drop my blunt that I was smoking with my dog who was then shot gunning it to this Chupacabra that I domesticated after one of my trips down to Tijuana to purchase some most excellent greenery this winter when I ran into a dog fighting ring and saw this ugly looking beastly beast in the ring and I was like 'NO, NOT COOL MEXICANOS' so they let me have him and so there he was, fucking higher than the Wright Brothers when Percy called me the other day, which I don't remember but ... wait, no ... yeah, it was today, I think ... Wednesday. Because I was smoking weed, so it must not have been Tuesnesursday. 'Wait what?'. That's what I said to Percy."
"'Dude Favre is outta the building getting high from sum dat ditch weed in the Sippi. We ain't got no quarterback except that Joe Webb kid that do sum math and shit in his free time, so we need someone behind center again who gets wide eyed and see the whole field at the time and has everything slow down for him and I KNOW you be that man, man, you slower than me pounded out a white girl when I'm time travelin. What?'"
"And so me, John David Booty, the greatest quarterback to ever wear to left shoes at once on accident started thinking about a come back, really waying my options, really saying to myself 'Is this something I could do still play quarterback or is it something that I could NEVER do is play quarterback even on Madden when Squid Rice and I would play and he would always put in TarVar instead of me at the quarterback position, and then I'd think why am I think about thinking what I'm saying out loud? Is this Inception *BRRRRAAAAAHHHMMMMM*' It got pretty deep, but I think I'm ready to officially announce ...."
"I'm staying home and going to continue to smoke some sweet, sticky green and not ever even think about getting my face blasted into turf ever again because a life where I surf, smoke doobs, and bang out my hot wife is way better than being a brain dead NFL player if I ever saw a comparison. Percy said it too. His 'migraine' issue is such a good excuse ... I wish I would have thought of that."