Well ladies and creepy old dudes, today is the big reveal of who the new members are to the highly coveted Purple Jesus Diaries fantasy football league, where all the winner gets is this stupid t-shirt. Not to draw this out any longer than need be, but I have four specific items I want to mention:
- I'm not going to give myself a reach-around here (I don't actually know how that'd be possible ...) and say we got TONS of applications or anything, but we did get some, and far more than the two I was expecting. And honestly, they all came from some pretty cool people and funny submitters and I eventually felt like a bag of butt having to decide who was in and who was out. Seriously. I hope that if you didn't make it in this year that you still stick around, follow the league, continue to visit this here website, and join the community, because that's really what I do this for is to have some laughs with some awesome people, and YOU ARE ALL AWESOME.
- With that Bernarded stuff out of the way, I also want to just clarify and say I eventually decided to cop out and draw names out of a hat. So your entry into this league was blind luck, you SOB. You must have some sweet karma.
- Due to attrition, the PJD league is welcoming SIX new teams into the league this year, not the four originally quoted. Surprise!
- For everyone, old and new, draft time is THIS SUNDAY, AUGUST 28 at 9:00 PM CST. I know, it kind of sucks, but it's the best I could do. Also, make sure you have a Yahoo! login and everything before that or else you'll get an auto-drafted team like the Rose Gardeners did last year, who I believe took two kickers and ended up with a 4-87 record. DON'T BE THAT GUY!
The names which I've gathered for the new people are:
- Drew Lange
- Joe Simmer (No Twitter account or LiveFrye commenting name, therefore he will be ridiculed until he achieves both JACK OFF.)
- College Wolf
To save us time, I have linked their names to their Twitter accounts if they have one so we can all trash talk on Twitter during the fantasy season. However, it will entirely be up to them whether or not they accept your follow. Personally? I wouldn't, but it's only because I now generically know most of you.
Online Moniker: larson311
Twitter Link: http://twitter.com/#!/
Potential Fantasy Team Name: Moose Knuckles
Worst Fantasy Draft Pick of my Life: I'm pissed off right now, I looked at old leagues for close to an hour and I realized some asshole is just going to lie and say I took Brett Favre first round last year, bullshit nobody would do that! The worst thing I could find is I took Jonathan Stewart in Round 4 last year, wtf was I thinking?
Coolest Thing I've Ever Won: Obviously this means you want to know the dumbest thing I've won, so get this. Last year in a golf tournament I won an assessment from a chiropractor as a door price, I don't want that shit! Honestly though the coolest thing I ever won was a Turkey Fryer so not that cool.
Most Hated Viking Player: Duh Nafahu Tahi, and if it has to be a current player I'd say I have a hunch it's going to end up being Charlie Johnson.
Favorite Viking or Football Memory: My favorite Football memory would have to be going to my first Vikings game which would have been in 2000 when the Vikings played the Cowboys at the dome in the playoffs (you know the one where Deion Muffed the punt). There was a guy wearing a Green Bay Packera Brett Favre jersey and one of the guys next to us kept heckling him the whole game. Best line of the night was "Hey yo Cheese Dick, your at the wrong game!" Pretty awesome experience for a 13 year old
Your Go-To Spanking Material: Whatever is on the front page of www.xnxx.com, great site check it out. How come you didn't let everyone know the reason you are asking this question is because you need new material? It's ok, I'd do the same thing.
I absolutely hate (seriously, hate it) fantasy football, but if I have the chance to take away someone else's shot at "fame", I'm in. Only reason I'm playing this year is because I'm getting paid to be an "expert" on another website. Interested? Free money.
Online Moniker: and Link to your Twitter Account if You Have One: Captain Yellow Shirt, @drewlange
Potential Fantasy Team Name: Team Cutlerfuck
Worst Fantasy Draft Pick of Your Life: Aaron Rodgers, because I play to win. Also, Joseph Addai, 4th overall, 2008. Fuck him.
Coolest Thing You've Ever Won: A plastic basketball hoop with the '98 Final Four logo on it from Wal-Mart, and two straight fantasy titles
Most Hated Vikings Player: All of them. Ben Leber is the latest one. I never liked him. No reason, just didn't.
Favorite Viking or Football Memory: Anytime Percy, AP or Randy has/had the ball.
Your Go-To Spanking Material: I've always been interested in the warmed up banana peel thing from Weeds, but really, who does that?
Photo Note: Obviously I'm not Ad-Rock, but I was for Halloween once, so kind of.
I would like to partake in your most fabulous fantasy football league. I adore your articles, I often peruse them whilst dropping a mighty log. Please allow me to join in your reindeer games, if anything it will give you a week to pad stats and keep you out of the basement where your secret collection of Madieu Williams, Bernard Berrian, Troy Williamson, and Dimitirus Underwood jerseys are kept.
Enough of that crap. I want in, I'll provide laughs, here's my answers:
Online Moniker: Never registered at your site, I hate having to go through that. I don't use teh tweets, my knowledge cannot be contained by 140 characters.
Potential Fantasy Team Name: Tebow's Bible Camp
Worst Fantasy Draft Pick of Your Life: Spent my #1 pick on Brady in 2008. Had to settle for Orton.
Coolest Thing You've Ever Won: 100 quart cooler at a golf tournament.
Most Hated Vikings Player: Berrian's dumb ass.
Favorite Viking or Football Memory: The 1998 season.
Your Go-To Spanking Material: Ava Green (Ed. Note - Do you mean this Syndey escort or do you actually mean Eva Green?)
Online Moniker: College Wolf. www.Twitter.com/CollegeWolf
Potential Fantasy Team Name: "My Poop is Ronnie and Brown" or... "Brandon Bernard is an ugly homo man-loving douchebiscuit." You can pick. (Ed. Note - Please choose something funnier.)
Worst Fantasy Draft Pick of Your Life: All of them?
Coolest Thing You've Ever Won: Free Chalupas when the TWolves score over 100 points and hold the opponent under 100 points? Oh wait, that never happened.
Most Hated Vikings Player: Mad Willi... I mean, Bryant McKin... ummmm, Brett Fav... or, TarVa....., Tah....., let's go with The Albino Rhino or Brandon Bernard. Probably the Rhino since he was a 2nd round pick, and BB actually restructured his contract (TEAM PLAYER)
Favorite Viking or Football Memory: I guess probably sitting in the 3rd row of the 1998 championship game at the Dome. Although, we all know how that ended. It was fun for most of the game though. Yes, it sucks to be a Vikings fan. P.S. The drunk Packers/Falcon fan (wtf, I know...) that got his ass kicked by like 10 Vikings fans after the game because he wouldn't stop cocking off. It happened like 5 feet away from me. Made me happy.
Your Go-To Spanking Material: The majority of the posts on your site. Oh wait... let's just move along.
Photo Note: If you are not offended, you can use my re-enactment of shirtless dude picture. Hopefully it's not too gay. Plus Qommie or FF might like it. Otherwise, there is a shirted picture of me as well. (Ed. Note - Shirtless pic it is! You suffer the consequences!)
Online Moniker: sckoehl1108 -- http://twitter.com/#!/
Potential Fantasy Team Name: I like "************" (Ed. Note - Not even PJD was going to print that, wow) as my team name. I would also settle for "Welfare Queen" but I understand those might already be taken... All else fails, "sckoehl11" should do.
Worst Fantasy Draft Pick of Your Life: Worst fantasy draft pick...Last year I picked Ryan Grant in one of the first couple rounds and he was hurt all season. This is only my 2nd year doing this.
Best thing I've ever won: Most erotic dancer---Pride Week Parade-- Amsterdam '09
Least favorite Viking: Bernard Berrian blocked me on twitter. Fuck that guy. Is he even on the team anymore? I also despise that fat motherfucker Bryant Mckinnie. Also, Gary Anderson.
Spanking material: craigslist personals m4m
Photo Note: If for some reason you need an actual picture, let me know. i just didn't want to be "that guy" to upload a shirtless photo of myself, you know? (Ed. Note - Don't worry, College Wolf took care of that for you!)
Here is my submission to join the PJD fantasy league. I don't feel like my responses quite justify how awesome I am, but hopefully they'll be good enough.
Online Moniker: I don't Tweet much because the job discourages it.
Potential Fantasy Team Name: Captain of the Love Boat
Worst Fantasy Draft Pick of Your Life: Jay Cutler, 2009. Sadly, he was the best that was left.
Coolest Thing You've Ever Won: I won a flow-bee at trivia once. I'm not sure where the hell they found it, other than 1995, but I took it home as a prize in 2011, and haven't used it... yet.
Most Hated Vikings Player: Toby Gerhardt-- seems like a nice guy and is a decent enough player, but in the interest of sharing touches or some shit, he prevents the Vikings offense from running the offensive strategy I'd love to see (run AD until he tears both his ACLs).
Favorite Viking or Football Memory: When Peterson broke the single-game rushing record in 2007, his eight pro game.
Your Go-To Spanking Material: See: previous entry about AD's single-game rushing record.
Photo Note: I have also attached a temporary pic. I have a graphic designer friend working on a really awesome animated gif, but he apparently had a busy week at work, and for some reason thinks that's more important.
Congrats everyone and let's get to it! For people that didn't make it, I promise you that at least two of these assholes won't be around next year after they get their butthole stomped in, so check back then. Now, on to the losing!
@CollegeWolf has my number.....well, not literally, but I am all about half naked men even if they have that high-school-boy-i'm-gonna-take-my-hot-bod-pic-in-front-of-the-bathroom-mirror-because-my-boyfriend-wasn't-around-to-take-it avatar.
@MarrisaZ No one would have objected!
@MarrisaZ I'm kind of offended that you didn't
@MarrisaZ Ummmmm, like yeah.
i didn't get picked...i'm kinda heartbroken. oh well...fuck it. now i have no reason to watch football on sundays lol
I won! I won! Now someone please explain how fantasy football works, is this the thing with the flags?
@joeyjojojuniorshabadoo Draft Brandon Bernard in the first or second round and you will be the ultimate winner.
@CollegeWolf You're assuming he will make it on the final roster. Restructuring or not, Arsinieaux Hall and Enrique Iglesias are turning heads.
I totally misread the whole spanking material question. I for some reason thought you were asking how we masturbate, which I thought was odd.
@captainyellowshirt It's a totally weird question, but I actually kind of wish I would have asked it now. Could you imagine?
@captainyellowshirt Don't worry, mis-interpretation happens to the best of us.
I really thought more people would send in pictures of themselves, per PJD's photo instructions.
Oh well, I guess I'm "that guy."
/stoopid gullible idiot.
@CollegeWolf Pretty sure the instructions were "Send in a picture we can use as an avatar to identify your team" or something close, but hey, whatever.
@PJD Don't make me go find the post, but I am pretty sure it said to send a picture of oneself.
Ok, I'll go find the post.