This is all great news, but then I came across something that just REALLY pissed me off. Some pasty, fat white guy from the Packers ("TJ Lang" is what his circle-jerk buddies call him) also had a child around the same time as Purple Jesus, CLEARLY trying to steal thunder away from the most popular football player to ever put on pads. Really, Packer douche? You couldn't let it rest for one moment, huh? Well, Purple Jesus Diaries decided to, without bias, put these two newborns through a face-to-face test and let nonpartisan readers like yourselves decide which baby is cooler, obviously then deciding which father/family is cooler, and vicariously leaving no doubt in our minds about which football team is cooler. It's science, read a book, moran.
So today we present to you Baby Daddy Football Players: WHO YA GOT?! ... After the jump:
|TJ Lang||GOD GIVEN NAME||Purple Jesus|
|John Joseph Lang||BABY'S NAME||Purple Jesus, Jr.|
|8 pounds, 10 ounces||BABY WEIGHT UPON BIRTH||16 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal|
|Baby size, like palm length or some shit||SHOE SIZE||A size 13, know what I mean?|
|Detroit, Michigan. BOOO.||LOCATION OF BIRTH||In a small little nook of Texas called HEAVEN|
|General Robert E. Lee||LONG DISTANT RELATIVE||Some nobody named GOD|
|Aaron Rodgers and his homosexual partner||GOD PARENTS||Percy Harvin and his homosexual smoking buddy, John David Booty|
|"Momma"||FIRST WORD||"F*CK YOU CHILDRESS"|
|4 ounces of squirts||AVERAGE WEIGHT OF DIAPER LOAD||1 pound, 2 ounces of a swirling log|
|A lime green||WALL COLOR IN BABY ROOM||BLOOD|
|Plastic Tyco with a carrying case on the back||FIRST STROLLER DETAILS||Black escalade with chrome wheels and a personal cup holder for his sippy cup|
|Fuzzy, blonde. He's a baby, whatever.||FACIAL HAIR||A thick lustrous mustache.|
So? Who wins? I think it's pretty clear, but I'm leaving this voting open to the public, so have at it!
I don't know why anyone would even bother to have a child anymore. The standard has been set. You're obviously not going to do any better than Junior.
@Qommie The rest of us need to have kids so that there are meatshields for PJ Jr. to push around, while "learning" the game of football during his adolescence. And I use the term "learning" very loosely, as PJ Jr. probably already knows more than I'd ever hope to know about football.
@CollegeWolf I would be honored to push something out that will provide services to PJ Jr.
@MikeFromWinnipeg I just saw that Jared Allen is also having a baby. That must suck to know you will only have the 2nd best baby on the team.