Please lose: The Vikings are a team who can't do ANYTHING right. They lose to the Saints in the NFC Championship after clearly out-playing them and overall being the better team. There's the Falcons debacle. 41-0. Sex boat scandals instead of a quite bye week with the family. Losing to the Cardinals and missing out on the playoffs. The amount of foibles this team has shown throughout their history is simply REMARKABLE. And so it's with understandable hesitation that I ask of the team, simply, to just lose. Just lose out. Sit Cedric Griffin the rest of the year, let Purple Jesus rest his ankle, start Christian Ponder - aka The Turnover Machine - and let Harvin go to Florida for an early Christmas present. We need to lose out if we want any chance at finally turning this franchise around. With the Colts losing last night, the Vikings sucking, and the Rams marginally better than us, we really have a shot at the number one seed and Andrew Luck in the draft. All I need from you, Leslie Frazier, is to continue to do what you've been doing, which is horribly managing a football team. Just stick to your guns, big guy! Why deviate now?! Wait until after the season when you are fired and we have a new coach! Think of the larger picture, and for once, make the holidays a wonderful time for a Vikings fan.
Thanks to Randle9311 for a game day preview graphic!
Haha, Rex Grossman: If there ever was a Christmas Douche out there who could ruin our holidays, it would definitely be Rex Grossman. Sexy Rexy and his dragon of an arm has me more worried than a nuclear winter right now. He's started, been benched, been sent to the dog house, the cat house, the outhouse, and everywhere else you can think of this season because he's so inconsistent and mentally unstable, and yet here he is starting against the Vikings. The good? It's not like we're foreign territory for him. He played against us several times as a Chicago Bear and - if I recall correctly - didn't have any issues filleting our butts a good number of times. What, a simple cover-2 is going to contain his laser arm? Doubtful. The bad? Rex Grossman f*cking sucks, is a terrible quarterback, and never really looks like he has a neck. I can't trust him to do the right thing and throw touchdowns and not interceptions this weekend. He'll probably lose just on purpose, to be a Christmas Grinch this year. Unbelievable to think our franchise would one day come to this, but we actually need Rex Grossman to beat us to have our good fortune stay alive. Don't fail me now, Sex Canon!
Suck 4 Luck is back on: Oh yes. The NFL handed the Colts a win last night over the Texans, and with their record now 2-13, the Suck4Luck campaign is officially back on for the Vikings. My renewed understanding is still that if all three teams in contention (Colts, Vikings, Rams) end up with the same record, the strength of schedule would essentially hold for the draft position to appear in that order, where we would still be picking second. Not a bad position to be in, mind you, BUT WE CAN DO BETTER! The Colts face the Jaguars in the last game of the season, in Jacksonville. And while that isn't the easiest game to win on the road, the Jags are ridiculously terrible. The Colts have a legitimate shot to win that game, especially as they do stupid shit like "try to build momentum" for the offseason. What does that even mean? You're still 2-13, morons. The Vikings face the Redskins this week (obviously) and the Bears the last week. Both are very easy games to lose, if we just stick to our guns. Meaning, this whole Luck to Minnesota thing is becoming legit, ladies.
Hypothetically, let's say we do miraculously get that number one pick. What do? The answer is easy. You pick Luck and either trade him for a king's ransom (including a young, starting left tackle, a number one wide receiver, a lock down corner, and a first round pick next year) or you just keep him and trade Ponder's sexy chest to the highest bidder. It's not that complicated, even though many morons out there will make it so. You, take, Luck. GTFO, Ponder. If the Vikings somehow get that first pick and screw this whole thing up, I will kill all the elves at the North Pole, I swear to Purple Jesus. He'd join me, too.
Buying gifts for Vikings players: The holidays can be tricky for people. Getting the perfect gift for someone is always a task, especially when you have such unique individuals as we do on this Vikings team. So I've offered to start a Christmas list for the players listed below. Maybe we could all go in on the gifts together one year. Naturally, if I missed anything, put them in the comments:
- A Pope Mobile for Christian Ponder's protection while playing quarterback
- A pre-emptied pack of Swisher Sweets for Percy Harvin
- A new coach for Purple Jesus
- Gift certificates to Old Country Buffet for Phil Loadholt
- Go-Go-Gadget rocket shoes for Chad Greenway (to compensate for his white-person speed, you see)
- A new leg without any metal in it grown through stem cell research for EJ Henderson
- A new Mac 3 Gillette Razor for Steve Hutchinson
- A NDSU Bison sweatshirt for Jim Kliensasser
- A Lego-built stadium for Zygi Wilf
- A new snow blower for Greg Camarillo
- Season 3 of The Jersey Shore on BluRay for Ryan D'Imperio
Any others? Let's hear them in the comments.
GIF of the week: A clearly appropriate GIF for the week, this Grinch GIF is both classic and versatile in its use. Are you in a thread where someone randomly ("randomly") decides to post pictures of a girl that looks suspiciously young? Boom, Grinch smile. What about when someone says they have a nefarious idea for a murder plot? BOOM! More Grinch smile. What about something as simple where you're trolling the shit out of a bunch of nerds and they FINALLY catch on to your joke? I think it could work there too. In my head, I imagine one of the possible lines to go along with this GIF is him just saying, "I'LL never tell!" all flamboyant like. Good stuff, Grinch, you old green bastard!
Some holiday "cheer": Here's a little Christmas present from me to you. Our favorite flip booking star (that is perfect because she doesn't talk!), Melanie Iglesias, has returned to deliver unto us a holiday treat. Boy, I'd sure like to put a baby in her manger. Do you think there's any room left in her Inn? Would she like my candy cane? I'd like to unwrap her box. Do you think Santa "comes" down her chimney? Ew. That one was gross. Anyway, you get the idea. Holiday theme + (sexy undressing + sexy redressing) = Boner alert. Don't forget to pay attention to your Christmas bulbs, too.
Christmas Miracles: Well, this is it. This is where we find out if this team has learned anything. Can the Vikings go on the road and lose when they're supposed to? Can they lose spectacularly like they did in Detroit? Part of me wants to say "Yes, of course they can. Have you seen these assholes play? They are terrible." The other part of me is scared for my life right now, because you know this is the moment when the Vikings win when they shouldn't, and they screw themselves in the urethra. You may be asking if that's even possible, and I'm here to tell you that, yes, it is entirely possibly when we're talking Vikings football. My gut is still predicting a loss, but I'm so invested in this team losing now, that I'm just not sure what to think. Let's say they do lose, 31-24 or something, but pray with my to Santa Claus that I'm right, OK? I need that this year.
Enjoy the game, the holiday, and the long weekend. We'll be in and out with posts, but keep checking back as we have some good things planned. Also remember, because of Jesus day, almost all of the games are on this SATURDAY, tomorrow, instead of Sunday. Don't forget to watch!
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PLEASE LOSE THIS GAME!!! We are soooooooooooo close to Sucking4Luck! Make it happen! If we somehow win another game this year.... Gahhhhhhhhhhhh, I might just kill myself.
Luck or Kalil in the worst case scenario and all 3 shitty teams tie for worst record. Oh god, that is still fantastic.
Obviously we draft Luck if possible. I am cool with keeping him and trading Pondexter, or trading Luck for an unreasonably huge gigantic bounty of picks and goodness. Either way is fine with me... although I think I'd prefer to keep Luck and trade Pondexter for a couple draft picks to stock up on O-Lineman.
But these fantastic dreams of mine all go to utter SHIT if we somehow win one of our remaining games. GOD JUST LOSE PLEASE THATS ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS. I don't even care if we cover the spread or keep the game "exciting." JUST LOSE. In fact, maybe just get blown out so none of us have to sweat out a win.
Disclaimer: The Vikings will somehow manage to screw up our potential prime draft position. Now THAT'S one thing I know we can bet on. :-(
I guess I was digressing on my first post. Had nothing absolutely fucking whatever with what PJD said in his article. Anyways, The Vikings themselves, and the Gods (including the NFL) have a way of fucking the Vikes any way possible. From poor reffing, to unjustified cover-NFLs-ass star cap suspensions, to bust draft picks, to losing games they need to win, or in this case win games they need to lose!!! Whatever they need to do, whether they do it themselves or get help, the outcome is the opposite. Which puts us in a complete ass raping situation if we do get the #1 pick. Cuz whether or not we keep Luck or trade him, or keep Ponder or trade him, the one we trade will go on to have a hall of fame career while the other will inevitibly bend us over like Jerry Sandusky with a 12 yr old boy in the shower! It's a catch 22 situation we will be damned if we do, and damned if we don't NO MATTER WHAT!!! So with all the LUCK Fever starting to brew and the team wanting to end on the first winning streak of the year, I say we meet in the middle (not in a bukake way), have 1 win and 1 loss the rest of the way and secure Kalil!!! with the #2 pick!!! That way we get fucked just once and not incur double jeopardy!!! IMO ...Just sayin' We already look, feel, play and smell like shit, might as well have the number 2 pick !!
Jimmy Kleinsausage says he is hanging up his cleats and retiring from football after the season. Thank you Jimmy K for all your years of great blocking! Too bad none of the other jack-offs could block half as well as you do! And too bad Dildo Childo moved your ass to TE instead of keeping you at FB where you really excelled! Without that Dumbass move, you would 've been a HOFer fo sho. Well at least we don't need to draft a FB/TE next year (as long as the resign the shirtless Shanko). That would leave Shanko, Rudolph and Reisner w/ D'Imp as our FB. Enjoy your retirement of catching Salmon with your bare hands and eating the whole thing raw, Killing, gutting and skinning a Moose with one quick move and wearing it's head and skin, while ass fucking Grizzly Bears for fun! He's a true Viking!! A man among boys! SKOL
The fact that the Colts won last night makes our two victories so much more painful. How did we beat the Panthers? (I know, PJ said "I got this," and, yea, it was so). And the Cards are looking decent right now. Why couldn't they have been decent when we played them? Arrrrg. If we win, I'm so done with this team.
And by the way... if we get the No. 1, you pick Luck, trade Ponder, and never look back. Ponder has shown some promise... and that's why you trade him (because some sucker team like the Raiders will think he's better than he is). You don't pass up on Luck. You don't. If we get the No. 1 pick and pass on Luck (or trade out to let some other team take him), it will go down as the stupidest draft-related decisions we've ever made (and yes, that includes Herschel Walker, Dmitrius Underwood, and the 2005 disaster (Erasmus James and Troy Williamson 1st round flops)).