"Hi, I'm Clay Matthews, NFL linebacker and inspiration to many fat people in Wisconsin. When I'm not out shopping for lingerie for my boyfriend to see me in, I like to help out in the community. Today, I have a very special message I would like to share with you in hopes that you'll spread the word.
"And that word, is Douching."
"Many women on the planet Earth, like myself, have suffered from different forms of Douching. With currently almost 7 Billion people world wide, and half of them being women, so like 3.5 Billion or something, and then another half of them probably suffering from this debilitating disease called Douching, that's a lot of fucking people who aren't fucking because they're not douching. This is a serious issue for women of all ages, all ethnicities, all heights, all jaw sizes, and all professions, even professional athletes, maybe one who plays football.
"Many people don't know about Douching, and that's understandable. Some people think if you just take a shower and air dry your private areas that's probably enough. I am here to spread the word that it is not. Douching is so much more, so much more. It's a way of life, a way of cleaning both body and mind, and when done, can help make the world better. Have you ever driven over a sewage pipe after Thanksgiving after you've slayed a heroin addict hooker in your backseat and accidentally smeared her blood and seminal fluids all over the cushions, your hair, and now the steering wheel seven days before that? That's what the effects of Douching are like if done wrong. It is horrible, and brings a tear to my eye, because it is so strong.
"I'm here to tell people it is OK. Douching is a normal disease like muscular dystrophy, amnesia, cardiovascular issues or smugness. You don't have to feel ashamed for Douching or being a douche. Largely, this shame revolves around being unfamiliar with Douching, so let me share some insight with you. Douching is a normal cleansing procedure done by, uh ... by women, typically. Yeah. What they do, so I hear, is take a long wooden spoon and coat it in lubricant of some kind, either vaseline, olive oil, or pig fat. They then insert it into their private region and wiggle it around like an angry snake attacking a victim until a soft mixture of secretion and blood is formed on the bottom of the spoon. Then then remove the utensil, wrap it in a plastic bag for government inspection, and then dab the affected region with a baby wipe to sanitize it. Afterwards, they apply bandages that smell of lavender or honeysuckle mixed with aloe, to both make the region fragrant and uninfected. And that's it! Once you try it a couple of times you'll feel like a new ma ... person, and walk with confidence.
"So help spread the word, fans. Douching is a normal way of life and together, we can sack this disease!"