"Hey everyone, hey, great to see you all, thanks for coming out. Ha, ha, I see you down there Sid, old man! Don't you go napping on me now! Ha, ha, alright."
"Again, thanks for coming everyone. I wanted to gather you all here, to announce a couple of roster moves that will have a significant impact on the Minnesota Vikings both this year and into the future. You'll notice such names as Jimmy Kennedy, a great, great person and mediocre defensive tackle for this team, and ... Freddie Brown? .... I don't think I ever met that guy actually. Rick, who is this? .... Brown. ... No, Freddie Brown. Ever heard of him? ... Well how did he get on the ... you know what, let's just move on and talk about what the impact of releasing Madieu Williams means for this team."
"Frankly, we're just a team now that's left with people that can actually play football."
"For starters, I want to thank Madieu for everything he's done for the Minnesota Vikings organization. He's been a great cultural influence in the locker room. Heh, I remember when Madieu first stepped into Winter Park, he had the biggest smile on his face. That's why Brad liked him so much, he was such a smiler. Yeah, it was a little weird when he asked for some time off right away to do some charity work in Africa, but we all knew it was for a good cause and flight plans like that are hard to change. Madieu, he's just a very great community man, and the Vikings will definitely miss that, definitely."
"This is a big change for us as a team, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how we will adjust without those smiles on the field. We'll have to have some guys step up. Without Madieu back there roaming the field we're now going to be able to make some tackles and take away the deep pass. We'll likely be able to tackle scrambling white quarterbacks, with our arms no less, and stop them for a minimal gain. We might even have someone who has passed introductory level geometry and knows how to take an angle to stop an advancing player. It'll be different, that's for sure, but as a football team you've just had to adjust. And in my short time as head coach of this football team, I know a thing or two about having to adjust to undesirable circumstances."
*Forced laughter from the crowd.*
"But we'll move on. I want to thank Madieu for being such a nice person, a real, genuinely fantastic human being and individual when he's not playing football. That's something we can't take away from him, even if his unwarranted contract is. But we wish him the best in non-football related activities, we really do."
"Thanks again for coming out, and now I'll take any questions about the good football players still left."
Nnamdi Asomugha signs with the Eagles.
And they got Antonio Rogers-Cromartie in the Kolb trade. And they already had Asante Samuels. Dear god, their secondary is freakin insane.
Meanwhile, the Vikings have one of the worst secondaries in the history of existence. Good grief do something besides simply cutting really shitty players. :(
Now that we've removed altruism from the locker room, Mistral Raymond is free to step into the safety position and blind receivers with his foam.
@Qommie As long as i disorients the offense long enough for a real football player like Winny to tackle someone.