This little gem came across the news wire yesterday (I have no idea why I just called it a news wire ... it mostly involves me visiting websites desperate for something to make fun of to boost my own low self esteem) and the jokes in this article almost write themselves. But that of course is lazy blogging, so we will attempt to enlighten the following Star Tribune article by notable and HARD HITTING "CJ" with further declarations of ARE YOU SHITTING ME TARVAR:
"Vikings QB Tarvaris Jackson is not letting a little thing like being on his way out run him away from Minnesota. Jackson was in a VIP section Saturday at Crave's private opening for its $5 million rooftop restaurant ... Everybody seemed to be having a great time except T-Jack, who looked bored as could be. Made me wonder if he was paid an appearance fee (I'm told he wasn't)."
HAHAHAHAHAOF COURSE HE WASN'T! Are you serious CJ Whoever? Why would anyone just throw money away like that in such a bad economy? That would actually drive patrons away, not bring them in. "Oh, TarVar is there? I heard Solera was having a super awesome party like a block away, dumb ass."
More retardedness after the jump, if you can handle it.
"I asked my home boy what he was doing in Minnesota instead of Alabama. "I work out here," said Jackson, still a man of few words"
Home boy? What the hell is this? And who the hell invited you, anyway, TarVar? And where are you working out? Anytime Fitness? Can you afford a membership there now that you don't have a paycheck coming in? I mean, I know I couldn't, but I also wasn't drafted 17 rounds higher than I should have been. But that's just me.
"Jackson has at least one child in Alabama, last I heard. Some parents might spend this unexpected time off from the NFL training season near their kids."
Yeah, well .... Maybe he's really working on the whole estranged father role. He's probably really upset he never locked the QB one down so he's going balls in on this one. For that, I commend him.
"The party was awful noisy, and T-Jack was apparently having trouble hearing me, so I didn't press him to ponder being shown up by the QB the Vikings drafted, who's already looking like a real LEADER."
OH SNAP! This lady is scathing. She dropped a ponder reference in there and then capitalized LEADER so that her message was super subtle. She must be the Sid Hartman of the Lifestyle section at the Star Tribune.
"Jackson looked lost in his thoughts."
Whoop, cats out of the bag, you're not a real sports fan, apparently. Otherwise you'd know that TarVar just ALWAYS looks like that. See?
If you can stomach this tripe, the rest of her article includes mentions of Steve Hutchinson being there as well as Squid Rice, who was actually hanging out with TarVar for some unknown reason. Poor Squid. She also has a video on the article, which is about as superficial and vomit enducing as you are imagining. Frankly, it sounds like the perfect spot for someone like to show up at. YOU MISSED A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY!