Alright, whatever, let's grade this team out, starting with ....
Quarterbacks: Grade = D
- This position is graded on passes completed and significant impact on the outcome of won games. Since we're not ranking McRibbs eaten, or worms killed with with skipped balls, this grade is drastically impacted.
- Also, the only thing not saving this position from an F grade is that Ponder has played only two games, neither with his shirt off, I may add. However, with eight games left and eight opportunities to play shirtless, this grade could easily go from "D" to A+++++. Get it done, Shirtless Wonder.
Running Backs: Grade = A-
- Purple Jesus is clearly the only thing keeping this position afloat. People talk about how Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, Jonathan Stewart (Pffft!) are better backs than Purple Jesus, but this is so far beyond asinine. He's on pace for 1,600 rushing yards, 18 touchdowns, and over 300 attempts. THAT SHIT IS BEAST.
- However, the team still has Toby Gerhart and whatever third back they toss in there shitting up the place. And since the offensive line sucks so much vomit, that's what drops this grade from an infinity sign to an A-.
- You can throw the full backs in this spot too, I guess, but they're as absent to this team's success than your father. BLOOSH.
Tight Ends: Grade = C-
- This has been a tough position for the team this year. Shanko started out with a splintered cock which significantly limited his production (as did shitty quarterback play), and Kyle Rudolph has been a waste of a draft pick this year. You'd think with one legitimate receiver on the roster, a bunch of cheerleaders for an offensive line, and a rookie quarterback who needs big pass-catching targets to bail him out in a blitz that you'd use your tight ends more. Hahaha, that would be so stupid of us!
- None of the tight ends have a particularly "tight end" and that really bothers me because it seems to be false advertising. That drops this position a third-of-a-grade too.
Offensive Line: Grade = F
- Holy shit guys.
- Every player on the roster, whether starter or practice squad, who even is being THOUGHT of one day playing on an offensive line in the NFL better be offering Purple Jesus free hand jobs in the showers after every game for even giving them a chance. The fact that he could rush for 1,600 is just stupid. The offensive line just sucks and I'm mad about it. SO MAD I'M USING THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON.
Defensive Line: Grade = B-
- On the defensive side, I don't think the problems are as wide spread as we originally felt. Looking at defensive ends, the team has received pro-bowl play from Allen, who is on pace for 25 sacks which - correct me if I'm going full retard here - would shatter Michael Strahan's single season sack record. I ... I think it's possible!
- Robison, Everson Griffen, Kevin Williams, and even Remi the Frenchy have played ... fine. But I think they're realling missing the support of Pat Williams. Not that he should have come back since every other NFL team still hasn't signed him anyway, but they haven't replaced his production.
- Either way, my expectations for this group going into the season was REALLY low, so simply because of low expectations they receive a passing grade.
Linebackers: Grade = D
- Greenway got a huge contract going into the season and has been playing like Dontarius Thomas. However, in checking the defensive statistics for the season, I was blown away to discover that he is leading the team in tackles this season with 65. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??! I guess I don't know if that stat really matters. If receivers and running backs and getting to Greenway maybe that defensive line is worse than I thought.
- EJ Henderson is looking pretty bad this year too. That makes me sad in a frowny way.
- I don't even know who is supposed to play the other linebacker spot, they've been so nonexistent. Erin Henderson? Whatever. I really enjoy his as a person but his absence of play on the field is Damming. Like in a grade D.
Corners: Grade = F
- Do we need to break this down much further? Chris Cook is in jail, Cedric Griffin has robot legs that don't work, Antoine Winfield has a broken neck, Asher Allen weeps every down he plays, and Marcus Sherels is a Gopher.
- I can't even think of how many broken plays and terrible coverages we've seen this year that makes this unit deserve this grade. The Packer game was the worse, but I have a feeling it's not over yet.
- In retrospect, I think I'd maybe move this grade up to an F+ because having one of your cornerbacks go to jail for a quarter of the season issssss PRETTY neat.
Safety: Grade = D-
- Is there a worse excuse for a safety than Tyrell Johnson? Maybe Brian Russell? At least he has an excuse though, being white and all ...
- The only thing Hussain Abdullah has been terrorizing has been my god damn hopes and dreams with his terrible play.
- If Jamarca Sanford breaks one more player's leg I'm going to get real pissed. Maybe he should stick to special teams, where the players with the most concussions play.
Special Teams: Grade = A
- Oh, we only have the best punter in the league (nay, world?) who also only plays football to make a million dollars so he can play video games and guitars. Am I jealous of him? Yes. Nice work, Kluwe.
- Longwell has been fine I think, but he's pretty much an afterthought, right?
Coaching: Grade = D-
- A lot of people have been pretty upset with Big Leslie acting all cool on the sidelines, but that's the least of our problems. I'm not ready to give up on him yet, largely because he coached a bitching of a defense for like three years here, too, with mostly the same players. We'll see how that plays out, but the main problems sit with "Rick Spielman" and "Charlie Johnson," not "Big Leslie."
- Bill Musgrave reminds me of a whimpering puppy who eats his own sit because he's too dumb to know he's not supposed to.
- I don't even know who our defensive coordinator is (Pagac?) but he makes adjustments like the shady auto-shop dealer down the street who finger blasts your wallet for an extra dollar. That's bad.
Final verdict? This team sucks. There's maybe four likeable players on the team, and the rest of the roster spots are filled with people who simply lack talent. That's not much to get excited about. On top of this, with two wins on the season we've already won ourselves out of the best spots in the draft, because all of the other teams suck real hard too. Honest to god, there is NOTHING to look forward to for another two months. NOTHING!!! NOOOTTTTHHHIIINNGGGGGAAAHHHH!!!!!
So what do, lol? We hope that Packers lose like a bunch of douche tacos, we hope Cutler cries on the sidelines, and we hope the Lions continue to play dirty with the rest of the league. Oh, and I hope the Bengals surprise a bunch of people. How much of a bitch would Carson Palmer look then? "Uuggnn, trade me or I retire! This team sucks! You're only doing what I couldn't do with this team in going to the playoffs and winning!" Shit head.
Sorry, I don't know where I was. Essentially, we got eight games left to get excited about Pondexter, see Purple Jesus punish fools, and admire Allen break the sack record. So let's get to it.
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Don't blame you for skipping the WR's. I don't want to think about them either.
Our QB's suck dong but at least one of them should play shirtless. That's A+Infinity grade right there.
The fact that AP has the stats that he has with our offensive line is a goddamn miracle. He should be enshrined right now. The five year waiting period needs to be waived for him alone. Create the bronze bust and give it to him after our 16th game. About the only thing to look forward to. Well, and a good draft pick as long as we keep losing. That's a big IF though with the level of crap that passes as professional football teams in this league right now.
Our team is depressing, stupid, mostly unlikeable, and boring to watch. How sad. And we already won two damn games which is nearly heartbreaking.
AP is the isht, of course. Jared Allen isn't a gaping vag anymore. Percy rocks my socks off. Ponder looks good shirtless. Kluwe is a rockstar (in more ways than one.) And ummmm... I dunno, Kevin Williams used to a big pimp. Did I miss anyone cool? I don't think so.
C'mon we gotta keep Blowing4Blackmon!
Very accurate! Well done! I can't personally get behind the Bengals too much though. I'm still pissed from when they changed their uniforms. What was wrong with orange skull buckets with "Bengals" spelled out in small, block letters? It made them look like their owners forgot their "free font upgrade" coupons the day they brought the helmets to Kinko's. They're the only team in American sports that refuses to go retro to suppliment jersey sales. Well, them and the Browns. But they're retro 24/7.
@Hammy1724 The Browns are some of the ugliest jerseys in pro sports. They look like my puke after an all night bender.
@PJD I can't agree. I mean, BROWN of all colors? Yuck. Can't we just wear our awesome retro ones all the time? Make them our "new" ones and then our current shitty ones can be our new "retro" ones.
@Hammy1724 This is true. Those retro Bengal unis with the helmets are the witches tits for sure.
Is our receiving core so shitty you don't even want to meniton them?
Essentially our team is AP, Jared, Kluwe & Harvin (as long as he keeps putting other teams corners on their bench when they try to mess with him).
@MikeFromWinnipeg HAHAHA... they're so bad that I didn't notice that PJD didn't mention them. I think I got just a slight whiff of Scotch when I was reading this one.
@MikeFromWinnipeg Uh, yes. That's why the WRs are skipped. Regardless, it doesn't change the grade much except for bringing it down further, somehow, someway.