That was a very rough Star Wars reference, FYI: Not that I would expect any of you to get that, but whatever.
Listen, we rag on the Vikings as much as a Packer fan around here, but as cynical and heart broken as we typically are on any given Sunday, we'd be lying if we didn't say winning feels GOOOOOD. Watching your team actually cross the plane and get into the endzone? Awesome. Seeing an opposing teams' quarterback look like Helen Keller behind his inept line? Rewarding. Approving as the defensive pressure doesn't suck bung hole totally, does it's job, and holds on to a 25 point lead after half time? Surprising, but acceptable. These are things that we, as fans, can certainly get used to and probably should be use to if it wasn't for Childress leaving our cupboard bare of quality offensive linemen and project quarterbacks. But whatever ... we finally have an official win with Big Leslie as head coach, and that's what matters. Because today, I can sit back and talk about the team in terms of "we," "us," and "my" instead of having to use "them," "those guys," and "not my team, dick cheese." It's a proud, proud moment in the Purple Jesus Diaries' household, and instead of shitting all over a win right away (we'll get to that fun later), let's shake hands like gentlemen, congratulate grown men on doing their job, and make cheers all around.
TODAY, WE ARE WINNERS!!!
Mushroom Stamp of Approval: If you're new to the blog, newer, newish, or simply are a jerk and forgot everything we've ever said, the Mushroom Stamp of Approval is given out in two ways; as the Mushroom Stamp of Approval when the team wins to a player who helped them win and as the Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval when the team loses, given to a player who really crapped the bed in the loss. On top of this, it's been a pretty strict rule that we don't always give the Stamp to Purple Jesus because, really, what would be left for anyone else? In a win, he always gets the credit because he is AMAZING, and in a loss, even if I DIDN'T want to give it to him, he'd demand it because he's such a humble dude and would take a poop stain for his team. Commendable. However, I feel like this season needs to buck convention, with all chains off, because who knows what will happen week to week. And honestly, when you put up 21 points in the first quarter almost single handily, well, you deserve some recognition. That is why Purple Jesus is, indeed, this week's Mushroom Stamp of Approval winner, the first Approval winner of the season, thanks to his stellar performance which reminded us all why we love this team so damn much. Huzzah!
The recipe for winning has been discovered: Obviously, this was the first win of the Minnesota Vikings' 2011 season. And it came with a little bit of controversy, up and down the board. When the dust settled and the team had indeed won the game, it obviously came about because of several unique factors that, if we want to try to find another win somewhere, we will have to mimic every week to a T, otherwise, BOOM, loss. I tried to catch as many of these variables as possible, however if you notice something which I had missed, feel free to add it to the comments. In no particular order, here's what helped the Vikings win:
- Ask the Minnesota Lynx to attend to "rub off" some of their championship experience on our crap ass team
- Sit Mr. Bertrand with the force of a thousand fat Viking fans, each and every week, but keep him on the team just to piss him off so he can't go a resign with someone else, and think he's actually a worthwhile human being
- Allow the fans to boo McNabb and the offensive play calling while the team is up by 25 at half
- Sit Antoine Winfield for the rest ofhis career, or, just move him to head coach right now
- Allow for something called an "Aromashadu" to make plays down the field
- My wife was also wearing the PJD shop "PJD" shirt for women, so clearly that had a big thing to do with it. Now she must wear it every Sunday, and every woman alive must own one by buying it here.
However, it's all an illusion, Michael: With all that feel good garbage out of the way, let's not forget something here; we're still a terrible football team. Why they continue to play McNabb is beyond me. He is more horrible than I could have ever imagined. Even on his "big play" to Aromashadu, it was one of the ugliest passes I have ever seen in my life, even worse than my girl-like spirals I attempt to throw at tailgates. And the defense? If Kevin Kolb wasn't burnt out on meth every single day of his life, he leads that team back in the second half of the game and beats us. There were so many drops in this game I thought I was at a puberty convention. Then there was the fluke 28 points in the first quarter. That's what we need? Only three TDs from Purple Jesus every game in the first 15 minutes for us to have a chance? Come on. And blown coverages? GTFO. I can think of at least two different passes Kolb should have connected on for touchdowns, but since he was seeing triple out there due to his withdrawals, it was game over for him. The Cardinals are a bad, bad, bad team, and it may have been a disaster if the Vikings had loss to them. But like a real disaster, like Chernobyl or something. UGLY. Don't expect this win to jump start this team to a winning streak or anything. We're still clearly poorly coached and don't know which hand is our left or right when we're trying to hand the ball off. Or ... that might just be McNabb.
Starting job loss watch: Normally in this section we would focus on people who sucked it up big time in the last game and comment on how I wish they were unemployed. With this win, however, I think we should remain POSITIVE and focus on player who were pretty close to getting Bernarded, but instead might have redeemed themselves today thanks to some heady plays. Those guys include:
Brian Robison: Not that he was ever really close to getting sat, but I thought his season thus far has been up and down and best. He'd probably say the same thing, too. Sunday was a great game for him though as he got off the line quick, pressured Kolb well, and even tickled the fans with a faux calf roping post-sack. Nice!
Chris Cook: Cook has had his ups and downs, no doubt, but with his rookie year primarily filled with injuries, it was honestly hard to judge him last year. Now, with a more constructive season under his belt, he's showing a bit of upside. The flashes he had against the Lions still stick out, as does his athletic and smart play of shading the receiver in the flat then using his cop speed to sprint and deflect a pass to a receiver over the top. He laid out there, and it was awesome.
Asher Allen: Uh, he had an interception, right? He did! I don't know how he managed it, but it was pretty key in putting the game away early. He was also credited with six tackles (second highest on the team) and a pass deflected, so ... nice work, I suppose.
Jamarca Sanford: Sanford is in this same crowd. We know the guy can hit (I nicknamed him the AIDS Arrow because of the pain he brings a long time ago) but as a safety in the Cover-2 you have to be able to do more than that. He took some steps in that direction today with his two big picks, and that was nice to see.
Phil Loadholt: I was checking his monster frame out in the first half and he was playing in beast mode. He turned his blockers out, showed great fakes on play action blocking, and helped open huge holes for Purple Jesus in the run game. Loadholt? Him? Of all people?? I know, right!
Did we miss anyone? Let us know if the comments.
Suck 4 Luck watch: Well, I got nothing but bad news for you here. The Vikings won, while others loss, which means that instead of picking up a critical game in the Suck4Luck campaign, we instead took a step back and made our chances more difficult. Using 3-wins as the benchmark for what it will likely take to get to the number one spot for Luck, we can legitimately say there are nine teams in the running here. Those include:
- Indianapolis (0-5)
- Denver (1-4)
- Jacksonville (1-4)
- Arizona (1-4)
- Philadelphia (1-4)
- Carolina (1-4)
- Minnesota (1-4)
- Miami (0-4)
- St. Louis (0-4)
A ... winning? ... haiku:
"Let me get this straight,
I get traded to 'Sota,
We have more boat cruise?"
That was enjoyable, so smile while it lasts. We'll be back tomorrow with Tweets O' the Week (a remarkably upbeat one!) as well as look forward to the first primetime game of the season for the Vikings next week as they take on the Bears. Cool. See you then.
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Did everyone notice my strategically places Mushroom Stamp of Approval? I thought it was pretty smart of me, but maybe TOO smart for my readers.
@PJD It's so strategically placed I can't even find it. Did you hide it somewhere in your Photoshop program? Like on the cutting room floor, perhaps?
I tried to get a picture of a certain deactivated WR for you, but the camera on my phone sucks.
Tack "not getting called for 5 false starts" onto Loadholt's accomplishments this game. Jared Allen also played after having his eye gouged; I heard that on TV they called him a one-eyed monster. HA!
What happened with Percy? I don't know the whole story, just saw team doctor's checking out his rib area.
AP is the biggest, studliest STUD in the entire NFL. Damn, I love watching him. He's sooooo good. Hopefully he has a long and illustrious career, as he could (already is?) be one of the all-time best.
Allen and Robison did work. They are a good combo. And Robison is waaaaay cheaper than that idiot Edwards. Great non-signing and promotion.
I guess I'm back to cheering for as many wins as possible, as there is definitely no way we can get the #1 pick now. The saddest thing is we could easily be 5-0 right now. But McNabb sucks soooo bad. Ugh.
@CollegeWolf Whoa, whoa, hold on. We don't have to start cheering for wins now just because we're 1-4. We got a long way to go. The Colts will get some wins. I bet even the Dolphins luck into 2. We got a chance still.
@PJD Ok true, you are right. But c'mon we could/should be 5-0, so there's no way we get the worst record. I have been as big a SUCK4LUCK proponent as anyone, but maybe we just need to be realistic to spare us all further heartbreak down the road.
I'm hoping Cuntler can not be a complete suckface on Sunday night (a game that I actually can watch being that it is televised) but he tends to suck in night games due to being friggen diabetic.
We have a couple of games against the Pack so we can put those up in the "L" column. Hoping Newton can destroy us. The Raiders will hopefully ride the dead Al train over us.
Falcons, Broncos, Lions & Saints... we still have a chance... I hope for at least a 2-14 record.
@PJD And the Colts are comically horrible. Blowing that huge lead at home to the Chiefs?!? What a master plan to make Manning get "hurt" and miss this season so that they can get Luck to succeed him in 3 years. It's the David Robinson/Tim Duncan plan. Stooopid bastards.
I fear this was a must-lose in our hopes to #Suck4Luck. You really have to lose these games against other terrible teams, if for no other reason so you have a leg up in the tie breakers. I think this race is the Colts or Dolphins to win (by which I mean lose, because winning is bad when you're trying to lose... shut up, that's funny). Cards are still in the NFC West, and that is worth a few more wins. The Panthers are going to eek out at least 5 wins. Even if St. Louis finishes in the bottom, they probably wouldn't take Luck since they have Bradford. The Jags get to beat up on the Colts a couple times this season. The Colts and Dolphins have little to no upside.