Purple Jesus Diaries' Game Four Review: Spectacularly Bad
The Vikings lost a football game: Ho-hum, the Vikings played another noon game on a Sunday and *yawn*, they lost because they are not a very good football team, to a team (this week it was the Chiefs ... an AFC team, really mixing it up!) that is also not very good, but looked like rock stars because they got to face Jamarca Sanford, Tyrell Johnson, our offensive line, and Donovan McNabb. No biggie.
Let's play a mind exercise to start this review. Let me "review" a generic game for you and you tell me if you've either heard it before or if you can guess who the two teams are, OK? OK, here goes. First, the game starts off with our favorite team getting the ball and then doing nothing, and punting. The other team has a series, but sucks a lot too. Then, we get the ball back, score some points, and look mildly competitive, either winning or losing (it doesn't really matter at all) while heading into half time. After half time, the other team made some pretty basic adjustments that even an autistic kid could figure out. The other team ends up scoring enough points to make a vastly superior team look like a bag of mashed penis, and the team you cheer for ultimately loses in close, but embarrassing fashion, enough so that you question your fandom, manhood, and sexuality for just a SPLIT second before you realize that this team is worthless and you can't wait until they move to L .... Uh, somewhere else. DID YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT TEAM I'M TALKING ABOUT??! Yeah, it's the Vikings, and that's pretty much what happened, again, for the fourth week in a row, as they lost to the Chiefs. Whatever.
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: OH MY GOD, THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE TO BLAME! I've already kicked Big Leslie to the curb (his head coaching record is looking pretty ugly right now ...), but let's look around. I think we all know who is at the root of this problem, and it's that fatty pants McNabb. His numbers have been beyond absurd this season, and if this team has any hopes of losing it's way to the top draft pick in next year's draft, we have to ride this gravy train all the way to the finish line. McNabb has everything wrong going for him. He's fat, unconditioned, can't make some basic throws, forgets which side is his left or right side when trying to hand off the football to the only redeeming quality on this team ... It's really almost perfect for us to shit our beds to the worst record in the league. Sucker Colts! You think you can just lose your franchise QB for one season and be worse than us? NOT LIKELY! We out suck you, and it's because of this huge pile of turd acting as our field general that we're so terrible .... in one regard. We'll find someone else who sucks next week too when we inevitably lose. Looking forward to it!
It wasn't all bad, however: Well, no, it was really terrible, but here are some things I enjoyed throughout the game:
1. Tim Brewster as the sideline analyst. No sexy girl down on the sidelines for the Vikings/Chiefs? We get Tim Brewster's old, stupid face instead? Seems like a pretty good trade off, especially for Minnesota fans who just watched their college team get butt pummelled with an Old Style can by Michigan largely because said college team was left devoid of talent from said analyst. What a cock.
2. Everson Griffen flexing and being a cocky dumb ass after a sack when there was a flag on the play. HELL YEAH, SOLID MOVE!
3. Jamarca Sanford riding a pony, or walking the dinosaur, or whatever the hell that was after he made a super routine play while losing. What a true comedian!
4. Spending the afternoon watching Aaron Rodgers (The Gay Trocadero! ... I just made that up) throw for 400 yards, 4 touchdowns, and rush for 2. We are SO far away from anything near that, but in the meantime, I will watch Rodgers finger blast all of you who face me in PJD's fantasy league.
5. Michael Jenkins. I don't know why I like him, but I do. Maybe because he blocks more than he should probably catch, but he's doing both. What an AMAZING free agent pick up!
6. Chris Kluwe made another tackle. He's like the best tackler on the team. He needs to see the field more.
Starting Job Loss Watch: With performances like this, something needs to change, someone's head needs to roll, someone needs to wet their pants. If Big Leslie is smart, he'll start by making an example out of someone that should be playing well (hence, a starter) and demoting his ass to the back of the line like they just tried to cut in front of the fat kid at the school lunch line. Who will it be? We're going to start a running list here in the game reviews until it actually happens, so help us keep an eye out. So far we have:
1. EJ Henderson - EJ isn't helping himself the last two weeks. He was running blind during several passes down the middle he should have been defending, and actually had to come out in the nickel package against the Chiefs because the coaches didn't trust him. Ouch.
2. McDonovan - So fat, so bad. Four losses? He doesn't even care anymore, right?
3. Bertrand Booty - I'm not really supposed to say anything, but check his Twitter account from last night. It was hilarious and bitchy.
4. Cedric Griffin - He'd probably lose his spot if there was ANYONE behind him to compete, but there absolutely isn't. He still looks hurt, and that's too bad. I like Griff, I just don't think he can handle the job right now.
5. Phil Loadholt - The pressure on Donovan this year has been unacceptable. How can other teams coach up practice squad guys and turn them into starters and we only play people who have the brain capacity of a gnat? Stupid.
Are you expecting someone to lose their job? Let us know in the comments who. It'll be like a fun office pool of hate until it happens!
Sucking for Luck Watch: Yes gentlemen, the Suck4Luck campaign is totally in high gear. We are effing 0-4 on the season. OH AND FOUR. That's terrible. You extrapolate that out for a full 16 games and that means we go 0-16. I would garner that'd be enough to get us the first pick in the draft. However, let's have an honest conversation here for a second. The other teams in serious contention for Luck are the Colts, Dolphins, Chiefs, Broncos, Seahawks, and Rams. In the Luck campaign, the Rams are out, but every one of those other teams could sure as hell us a franchise quarterback right now. Looking long term, I think the Broncos, Seahawks, and Dolphins are ultimately better than the Vikings, though. They're definitely in that 3-5 game win range, like the Vikings, but likely at least one better. And truthfully, Pete Carroll and the Seahawks would probably want Matt Barkley more than Luck, for some reason. So that leaves our competition as Colts and the Chiefs. We at least have the tie breaker with the Chiefs, having lost against them, and we'll have to see what the Colts now do with that Painter guy at quarterback. He might get them an extra win or two.
In the end, I still think our chances for Luck are pretty slim, but we do have a chance, and that's all you can hope for.
A losing haiku for an amazingly loserish team:
"Hey, sexy Viking!
What do you like best, losing?
Or the maching rugs?"
I'm going to be honest, I barely paid attention to this game because, what the hell. I checked Twitter frequently and noticed many of you followed the developments, which is why it is CRITICAL that you come back tomorrow and read the Tweets O' the Game and join in on this blood bath of a season. See you then.
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Look at this gem I just found: http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7052185/upon-initial-review-week-4
Bernard Berrian: We nominated Nolan Carroll as the worst player in the league through two weeks. At the quarter-pole, it's time to give Berrian the nod. This season, Berrian's been thrown 16 passes. He's caught two of them. Two. That's an unreal catch rate of 12.5 percent, and it actually rose on Sunday, because he went 1-for-6 on targets. The average starting wideout is right around 58 percent over the past few years. The poor guy even had a 13-yard catch called back by an offensive hold this week. Put it this way. Through Week 4's action, Donovan McNabb has completed 59 percent of his passes and averaged 6.1 yards per attempt. If you cut out the passes to Berrian, McNabb's completing 66 percent of his passes and averaging 6.7 yards per attempt. Maybe the Vikings need to cut out the passes to Berrian.
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Raising CW Jr. to be a Vikings fan becomes harder and harder every week. I think he likes the Lions because he's three years old and likes animals. I might as well not even fight it...
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CW, take heart my friend. My girlfriend (stunned woman) who is a Packers fan (gag) decided for us (yeah I know it's pathetic) that we would not "force" a team on our son who is now 8. Whatever. I enjoy sex. If this was the 1950's though it would be back-hand city. Anyway, for some reason my son decided a couple years back that his team would be the Steelers. I guess I can live with that. But I don't think it was the Steelers colours or their winning ways that won him over. No. I believe that it was the fact that Big Ben dragged some bitch into a bathroom stall and force fed her his cock. My son, gonna grow up to be just like his old man. It's beautiful. Got tears in my eyes.
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@CollegeWolf@honkeylips What, that you'll one day lose your virginity for real? I'd do a paternity test, if I were you.
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@Qommie Yeah, I don't think I can in good conscience raise him as a Vikes fan. Maybe he'll like them because I'll always watch them? If so, poor child.
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I think for the rest of the season you should just dedicate this blog to scotch and other forms of alcohol. I personally prefer whiskey as my drink of choice but I do take into account your scotch knowledge. It's very helpful. Of course you've got to keep adding videos of hot women. Those two broads from the other day, wow. I couldn't help myself. I had to fire one off right there. I hit the top right corner of the screen. I was like Stevie Y comimg over the blueline and firing one top right. What's the protocol on telling your buddies about this? I mean that kind of distance, you can't keep that to yourself. Oh, and I noticed many of your readers enjoy pictures of shirtless men. How can you blame them? A young, robust man tossing around a football. Or a stout but lanky kicker who looks like he should be in an afershave commercial. Imagine a night with one of those two just sittting on couch watching Top Gun talking about stuff. This needs to stay in the blog. Wow, just knowing that I can find these three topics in one place puts a smile on my face. Thankyou Mr. PJD. Oh, and one quick question please, is Frazier some kind "show no emotion and never try to spark my football team" cyborg? Or is he a stunned, mute human being? The cameras don't even show him anymore. He literally is the equivalent to watching paint dry. Frazier, McNabb, our secondary, prostitution being illegal, these things have got to go!
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@honkeylips well, @larson311 and I were promised more nachos and guns by @PJD. I hope this wasn't an empty promise.
I cannot objectively engage in Frazier debates. Confession time, I was a Bears fan in 1985 (at the tender age of 3), I will not speak ill of a member of that team.
@Qommie@honkeylips Eh, I'll work on it. I don't know anything about guns. I'm a huge puss bag. What about instead of nachos I talk BBQ? Would that be straight enough?
@PJD Only if you also post pictures of half naked dudes cooking some magnificent BBQ. We're talking entire hogs. (How's that for a Double Entendre?)
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You managed to make finger blasting not sexy.
I don't want to go 0-16. If we could win 1 game, but still stay in contention of Suck4Luck, yeah.....I don't see how they can keep starting Bertrand and McNabb. I believe it was Judd thinking the call may come down from on high to pull McNabb's ass out there, although they might need a crane to get him out.
Check the front page of NFL.com, Ponder is going to be a new favorite if he keeps it up with the derp faces.
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@Qommie 1 win and the worst record in the league (aka drafting Luck) sounds pretty damn ideal to me.
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I think the only true challengers in #Suck4Luck are the Seahawks and the Dolphins and probably the Chiefs (although we essentially have a 2 game lead on them in the Suck for Luck contest). The Chiefs have a big disadvantage in having beaten us (putting them effectively 2 games down in the Suck4Luck sweepstakes). They also play in the AFC West, which is almost as bad as the NFC West. The Seahawks have a huge disadvantage playing in the NFC west (and with an actual home field advantage), so they will probably get at least 3-4 wins out of that. The Dolphins, however, have to play in the AFC East, which is probably the strongest division now that the Bills are actually good. They will be tough to stay even with.
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@Lakeville Mikey AP is the only true challenger in the @Suck4Luck competition. He is so godamn other-wordly amazing that he could quite literally win a few games himself. But yeah, other than that, I really like our chances.
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@Lakeville Mikey How can you forget the Colts... I believe the Colts are our biggest threats in #suck4luck. This shithawks play in such a shitty division that they will pick up some wins. The fins are shitty; most years you expect them to beat the bills but maybe not this year. I gues it comes down to us, the colts & fins. The Chefs picking up a win on us was key. I look forward the the Cards beating us this weekend.
@MikeFromWinnipeg@Lakeville Mikey I agree with this take, really. The Rams (0-4) and Hawks are in the terrible NFC West, so they'll mediocre themselves out of the competition. Colts are in trouble, but the Jags are really bad as well. There could be some wins in their, and the jury is out on whether Painter can "rally" the team to 3 wins or not. The Dolphins are easily the toughest competition. They, are, HORRIBLE. Maybe worse than us, and they would take Luck in a New York minute trying to recreate Marino. They need to fire Sparano and get some fire in that team. The Vikings, on the other hand, will keep Frazie and likely McNabb around for the year, which gives us an advantage.
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@MikeFromWinnipeg@PJD@Lakeville Mikey I think Ponder needs to needs to be played. Do Vikings try to show some trade value for if/when they do draft Luck? Keep him as a back-up? Send him off to work the pot fields with Booty? Not draft Luck and take stud o-lineman or WR? Forget we have the number one pick, let the clock run out and the Dolphins swoop in and snag him with their #2 pick?
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@PJD@Lakeville Mikey When do we decide to see what Pondexter can do? Being that we have two 4-0 teams in our division we have no shot at the playoffs. The Packers & Lions are too damn good to go on losing streaks. We should only be focused on #suck4luck right now. But with that we need to no if is Ponder can do anything. Even with Ponder I think Luck is too good to pass on. If we have a shot we need to get him & dish Ponder for whatever value he is worth.
