Purple Jesus Diaries' Game Six Review: Prime Time Ponder
It's Ponder Time! You guys! Did you see it! With something like 10 minutes left in the game, with the team down a bajillion to 10, first round pick and future of the Minnesota Vikings, quarterback Christian Ponder took the field and stole the hearts of millions of fans! He stepped into the huddle calm and collected, wearing his crisp number seven jersey with the swaggery of a veteran starter! He zipped passes to receivers running exceptional slant routes for first downs and more! He scrambled when the coverage was tight for moderate gains! He showed poise and panache in the pocket like a wily coyote avoiding hit after hit! And even did something that SURE to be Hall of Famer and former Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre occasionally would not in throwing the ball away instead of taking a sack or forcing an interception!
Dare I say Minnesota has found it's future spark plug?! Do we have a quarterback of the future ala Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers, and Cameron Newton?! Have you ever seen such zip on a pass thrown between 5 - 10 yards? Have you ever marveled so at a deep ball thrown with such touch and accuracy? How frustrated are you that Leslie Frazier didn't put Ponder in earlier? We could be undefeated right now with him leading this intimidating Vikings ship across the oceans of the NFL! Ponder and Harvin! Christian and Purple Jesus! Unstoppable forces! The future is now, the future is now! We're comin'! Super Bowl, home boy! We've finally found our quarterback for the next decade! His name is Christian Ponder, and he looks sharper than Kristen Dunst's teeth!
If you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic: Or, wait, I don't believe any of that shit. In case you couldn't get it through your thick effing skulls while you were throwing your back out due to orgasmic gyrations thanks to Ponder completing a routine pass play (also known as HIS F*CKING JOB), Ponder didn't look like the second coming of me into your mom's ovaries, instead it just looked like a rookie quarterback who wasn't a piece of shit playing against a professional football team's defense that couldn't put in it's full second string unit because there weren't enough game-day roster spots to justify carrying that many shitt players. Did he look better than McNabb? I don't know. McNabb led us on drives to put points on the board. Ponder didn't. Sure, Ponder's passes weren't used as evidence Monday morning at the police station when investigating a worm homicide Sunday night like Mcnabb's were, but big f*cking deal. His deep ball was shit, he was playing with back-ups on the offense AND against the defense, and the game was already lost, so no one cared. However, if he would have played with his shirt off, I PROMISE you we would have come back and won. Without question.
Oh, and in case you had any doubts, I will bet you my right nipple that McNabb is still the starter next week against Green Bay, especially with Loadholt and Sullivan injured. If you're going to have a quarterback killed, get rid of the dead weight, you know? And dear lord, McNabb is a lot of it.
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: It doesn't even matter who receives it at this point. People want to blame McNabb but, honestly, he's the least of the worries this season. He's done enough to lead this team to at least a 3-3 record, if not 4-2. The defense is to blame for pissing blood down their leg in the second half of THREE consecutive games. Because of that, I don't give the stamp to McNabb this week. Instead, I want to bring attention to a guy who I think has had just a terrible year, considering that we paid a quarter of a stadium to him this offseason to sign him to an extension. Chad Greenway, and specifically him juking himself out of his own shoes on Marion Barber's TD run, was some of the most embarrassing linebacker play I've ever seen, and I've watched a couple of different Kevin Cosgrove coached defenses in my time. Garbage. I expect more from him, he probably expects more from himself, and I'm sure the team does too. Was he the reason we lost this game? Absolutely not. The entire defense is the reason, as is the offense, special teams, and coaching. But that one play still scraped my choad, so I thought I'd bring it to the forefront.
Craptastic notes: It's late, this team sucks, and I hate everything, so I'm not going to do a full on game recap, but instead provide you with some additional quick hitting observations and notes that we should all probably discuss in the comments with the fervor of if we had a killing hangover:
- Percy Harvin is still good. The fact that he took the field tonight and ground out some yards is impressive, considering his rib injury. I'd probably be throwing up into a shoe at home somewhere instead. I like him.
- Purple Jesus got stuffed tonight, yet how can you blame him? It's difficult to gain any positive yardage when the offensive line sucks and the defense is putting 37 guys in the box. Even so, he got a touchdown. Nice.
- Devin Hester running a kick back on the Vikings is like clockwork. Our special teams are truly "special," and retarded.
- How many times is Sanford going to continue to run into EJ's knees? Haven't you done enough damage already, dammit?!
- Speaking of EJ, he has been brutal this year. I can't see him sticking around much longer. He can't cover the middle of the field in pass plays and his speed and tenacity looks to be down. It's been like this ever since the leg, and I don't blame him for that at all. However, as a football decision, the guy has to go.
- I'm worried that may also be true for Cedric Griffin. He's playing tentative and slow, and that's never a good thing. He gets the benefit of the doubt since he's just coming back from injury, but the outlook is NOT good.
- Chris Cook, on the other hand, has shown some growth this year in ways I was not expecting, since I expected him to suck. That pass deflection in the endzone was text book; stick to the receiver, turn to locate the ball, play the ball like a receiver, keep it out of the other guys' f*cking hands. Easy!
- I fully expect this roster to turn over about 67% for next year, and that might include both offensive and defensive coordinators.
- I don't think I hate Toby Gerhart. I don't know why.
- The packages for Joe Webb are retarded, and a waste. You trick no one when you use these packages once every six games, and for two consecutive plays. WHOA, WILD CARD, TOTALLY SCREWED MY MIND, BROS!
- I can't believe this team plays in the same league as the Packers. I'm happy Aaron Rodgers is my starting QB in the PJD Fantasy League. I am going to DEMOLISH whoever I play next week.
A losers haiku:
"Green Bay comes to town
To play the Vikings?
Prepare your anus."
That was beyond terrible. I wish I wouldn't have even watched that game, to be honest. I caught parts of the "Walking Dead" premier, and I will say that was pretty sweet. Zombies are f*ck heads though, and that's the truth. Anyway, I'm so bored with this team I can't even do a #Suck4Luck update right now, although until the Colts win a game we're on the outside looking in, so pray for them to win a couple. Same with the Rams. They'd probably trade the pick for Calvin Johnson somehow. Jackoffs. Oo! Stop by tomorrow as we'll do Tweets O' the Game, which were pretty decent with the national audience. Always a good time. See you then.
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I snorted after reading this. Humorous: "Our special teams are truly "special," and retarded." - LOL, and oh so sadly true.
Oh, and I am 82% confident that maybe possibly probably there will be at least 71% turnover on this team before next season.
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oh. my. god. that was just a fabulous display of football. i think america was the real winner last night by being allowed to be graced with the vikings play. i have to admit i girl squealed when ponder took the field (at least now there's a reason to watch them again, if he plays again). i think Ponder looked ok. i was at least hopeful that he may not be all bad.
i did some basic math vikings + bears= bears look like the greatest nfl team ever
therefore: vikings + packers= double rainbows (world ends?)
why is this team nationally televised. aren't there human rights laws being violated showing rape on national tv? someone call the UN.
@lockout2011 The Packers hate us enough that they might just go and drop triple-digits on us. Or maybe they'll feel a little bit sorry and only beat us like 75 to 3 or something.
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The only three people I am blaming for the loss: 1 - Mark Wilf. It has to be his fault because Ziggy is the only one we ever see in public. Which tells me that Mark is at home going full geek-mode and studying up on players like Kyle Rudolph, when he SHOULD BE finding us a god damn safety! 2 - Leslie Frazier. For one reason and one reason only. Big Les brought in his old teammate Mike Singletary to coach the linebackers. I'm sorry, Mike. When your injured cornerback is your best run stuffer and your star hasn't made a big play yet this year, it HAS to be the coaching. 3 - Chris Kluwe. I know this is akin to blasphemy to say this here, but... umm... Chris??? What... The.... Fffffffffuuuuuhnevermind. You are, after all, a punter. You are the roster equivalent of a busboy. To blame you here is to say that we would've won the game if you'd done your job. Busboys don't make the food at the restaurant better, they just clean up the mess. But that was some horrific legwork, my friend.
Oh well. I had high hopes of hitting the local pub midway through the first quarter and celebrating a Vikes win with a few oat sodas. But before I could finish wiping the Loadholt off my Kleinsasser, we were down nine-zip.
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Nice job on the play-on-words. Witty. Smart. Lofty.
I don't blame Kluwe so much. His 17 yard punt was some weak ass bullshit, but that was the least of the problems. He tweeted after the game that he hit that one the exact same way as he hit the 45+ yard punt too. Weird. Was it windy in Soldier Field last night? Yeah, let's blame the wind, for everything.
I never thought about Singletary as a person to blame. He IS assistant head coach, too. And he must suck. Aside from making Greenway as efficient as Dontarrious Thomas, he also just "happens" to leave the 49ers, they get a new coach, and then are one overtime, broken ribbed Tony Romo away from being undefeated. That's a lot of suck.
@PJD Dontarrious gets +1 just for being the only guy in history named Dontarrious. Thank you for the compliment, BTW. The wind WAS playing hell with our kickers. Not the Bears kickers for some reason, though. Maybe just the fact we were kicking from just inside the cheerleaders' makeup bags all night.
@Hammy1724 Clearly the Bears worked all off season on developing that coveted wind force field for the kickers.
@PJD@Hammy1724 Let's blame Singletary. Fresh blood. I like it. Feel a lot better about myself now too.
@CollegeWolf@PJD Blaming Singletary puts the world in balance again. I can remember him as a Bear dickslapping the likes of Ted Brown and Dayyyrin Nayylson so often that I still have a hatred for him. Not that Dayyrin didn't need it, but that's a different discussion.
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Why is everyone so sad up in this bitch? The Vikings kept pace in the #Suck4Luck race... that's GREAT news! The "cream" of the crop is still the Colts, Rams, and Dolphins (who will almostly certainly lose tonight), but we're still only one game below (er, above) those abominations. We can do it, I know we can!
@Lakeville Mikey Jacksonville needs to be thrown into the mix too. I didn't think they would be a viable option, but Blaine Gabbert has sucked BALLS so far this season, worse than TarVar even. They could nab Luck, easily.
@PJD Yea, I suppose the Jags and the Cardinals both are in contention. It's hard for me to think of the Jags as really having a shot since they have to play the Colts twice this year (although maybe they can split a game), and both the Colts and the Jags have to play the now terrible Texans (who are bad without Andre Johnson and Mario Williams). The Titans aren't exactly awesome either. And I guess I counted out the Cardinals because they get four games against the Seahawks and the Rams, so they should get at least a couple wins out of that.
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@MikeFromWinnipeg you mean every team in the state should change their name to Minnesota Suck? Would certainly lower the amount of money spent on purchasing merchandise for each individual team.
@Qommie Either that or just start saving the organization money & go by the LA Vikings.
@MikeFromWinnipeg@Qommie I think it's a good move. It could actually be a positive gain for the team, attracting a whole new ... "audience base" so to speak. #imeanthegays
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Chad Greenway's penis got the Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval? Or is that another clever placement?
Pondexter, you dirty, dirty boy. Even though I've given up on the season, I can't see him starting against Green Bay either. National spotlight, against the best team in the NFL (I just threw up), sure let's throw in our rookie and destroy any ounce of confidence he MIGHT have and lose the game all in one! McNabb doesn't give a shit, he's done, let him get obliterated. I just laugh at every 3 and out now, yup, totally saw that coming.
And now some jagoff without no credibility is trying to throw out unsubstantiated rumors that Vikings are looking to trade Jared Allen for a 2nd rounder....fuck off.
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@Qommie Even Greenway's penis has been terrible this year.
That Jared Allen rumor has been around for a couple of weeks now, something about him to Patriots last I heard, but it's shit against the wall as far as I'm concerned.
@PJD Holy hell, I need to read before I hit enter "without no credibility." Without any credibility.
This is the first time I've heard it, I'm glad I usually ignore things on the internet.
