Have you ever heard of Norman Chad? Nor have I, but just say that name out loud once. "Norman Chad." The man with two first names. Anyway, this guy writes for The Washington Post and has the creepiest mustache I have ever seen. But, he's now my most favorite person because he thinks the Vikings will finish the 2011 season better than 6-10. SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THERE'S HOPE! Let's break down this buddy-buddy insight FJM style (poorly). Select pieces from the article here, but go to the site to read the full thing. ONWARDS!
In the NFC North, the Packers are the defending Super Bowl champs, the Bears are the defending division champs and the Lions are supposedly the young team on the rise. The Vikings — 6-10 a year ago — are destined for 6-10 again, according to the experts.
HAHAHA, GO F*CK YOURSELF EXPERTS!
Let me speak bluntly and candidly here:
*BOOOOOSSSHH!!* Can this guy get any better??
Ladies and gentlemen, let me present your 2011 NFL Team of Destiny — the post-Brett Favre, post-Brad Childress, post-Metrodome roof collapse Minnesota Vikings.
He didn't mention the most important post-, that being post-TarVar, but I'll let it slip. Because, really, that alone accounts for a +5 in the win department.
How do I do it? Others watch endless game film, analyze depth charts and crunch numbers.
STUPID NERDS! What do numbers ever tell you? How to make a bomb? How to steal money from stock holders? That never helped anyone. BOOOO!
My approach is two parts instinct and one part PBR.
What a hipster.
I see things with remarkable clarity. And, when in doubt, I simply go against the consensus of the pundits; pundits are wrong more often than not, particularly on autumn weekends.
.... So ... wait ... is he a pundit? Or does he typically write in the style section with that mustache?
America — particularly Sports Nation — has a What-Have-You-Done-For-Me-Lately mentality. You guys on Wall Street know what I’m talking about ...
Ooooh! A Wall Street pun! How poignant and topical! IN YOUR FACE, NEW YORK!
... You’re only as good as your last insider trading scam. Of course, in the NFL these days, you’re only as good as your last HGH test.
I don't even know what that means, and I've completely lost where he was going with this.
McNabb led the Eagles to five NFC championship games in 11 seasons; no quarterback in that span went to more conference title contests. Then he was traded to the Redskins, and like many who come to Washington with high expectations, the system got the better of him. Even when McNabb was winning 65 percent of his starts in Philadelphia, he was constantly vilified. He could thrive on a month’s worth of Sundays, but if he then put two straight passes into the ground in front of open receivers, the mobs would bay that he should be benched.
For the most part, this is true, and partially why I still am pretty excited for McNabb this one season, and possibly more. Do people not remember what he was able to do with Brian Westbrook as his only legitimate threat on the team? Then TO came along and they gang banged their way to a Super Bowl. Easy peasy, says Tom Haverford. The Vikings, offensively anyway - on paper, in theory and in an alternate universe where people play in a predictable way and our offensive line isn't comprised of droopy labias - are more talented than almost any other Eagles team I can think of that McNabb was on. Now, yeah, sure, he's older, dumber, fatter, and probably lazier. So am I, but I drink heavily. Like the Favre miracle, I'm willing to take a flyer on McNabb to see what he's got left in the tank and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if this team captures lightning off their penis tip and pushes for a wild card. Or, better yet, maybe Rodgers will get arrested for public fellatio outside of a meat packing plant in Green Bay and the Packers will have to rely on Matt Flynn for the season. Because, you know, those LSU quarterbacks are so good.
So I’ll take my chances on McNabb and Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin. I’ll take my chances on new Coach Leslie Frazier, figuring he’s more Don Shula than David Shula. I’ll take my chances on the Vikings bringing joy to Minneapolis-St. Paul and Couch Slouch, USA.
Couch Slouch is his witty nickname, I guess (better than PJD ...) but then he just kills it with this last line. Ha, joy, my friend? Us Minnesotans know not what you speak of, but I welcome the challenge of learning this year.