Vikings fan @MatthewPHaas started the game day off with probably the most appropriate picture I could think of because, holy shit, this dog looks exactly like I imagine how I looked throughout the entire game, even when the Vikings were up by 20 and we were all thinking "HAHAHA, FINALLY NFL, YOU SHALL NOT LAUGH AT US!!" But then this dog and I were just like, "Shit man, really? Get this purple crap off me and let me outside, it's god damn glorious today."
That was weather that none of us got to experience obviously as we sat through just ... an embarrassment of a game. Pure stupidity in the worst sense. And, like last week, you can imagine that most of the tweets of this game reflected this as well. Some ups, some downs, some down syndrome, some freak outs, pretty classic stuff. So let's get to it in Week Three's Tweets O' the Game!
We continue with @mattbertz who observes the following:
These things are true. A certain defensive end is doing pretty well, but unfortunately we can't clone him and Winfield to play all of the positions on defense. Would I put Toine at defensive tackle? You bet your ass. BOOM, tackle behind the line of scrimmage, every time. And as far as Robison goes, he has had a couple of bitchin' sacks this season, and I'll be a monkey's uncle if his hair is looking sexy as shit. I'm inclined to just start posting Friday pictures of him washing it instead of shirtless men. WHO'S WITH ME??!!! ...........
Next, me and several other people apparently noticed the same thing that @Detroit4lyfe did, namely that Coach Schwartz of the Lions was somehow, amazingly, tweeting during the first half of the game:
I checked the time stamp, and it's legit. He was literally inside of my television like a Willy Wonka tiny person playing midget games and somehow tweeting AT THE SAME TIME. Have I ever mentioned how awesome Schwartz's account is? He talks about listening to Iron Maiden while driving to practice in Detroit, too. Wat? Childress probably listened to Amy Grant and Big Leslie probably listens to Al Green, which is totally fine, but not very SMASH YOUR FACE IN music. Oh well.
@AndrewBucholtz and others provided the GIF you see above of Stafford getting hit in the nuts which, while hilarious, was also bitter sweet because if I recall correctly, the snap was early because the Magical Griffen flew a bit too close to the sun, allowing the Lions a couple of free yards. Was it worth it? I bet if you'd ask anyone on the Vikings defensive line who is making a million dollars they would answer the same way as me: Yes, totally, and without question.
Fellow disillusioned fan @VikingsRealist tweeted the following at the VERY START of the game:
And it was definitely something I noticed too. Look, we all know McDonovan is a fat kid in school. I don't frankly care if he's fat or not, I just don't understand how that affects his throwing motion so badly. Do his moobs get in the way of a great follow through? Is he aways distracted by the even fatter fan sitting in the stands gorging his face on stomach churning Dome Dogs? Maybe. But all I know is that he was WITHOUT QUESTION sweating when he took the field ... During his first snap. Seriously, before he'd even bent down to take a snap. The back of his jersey? Drenched. It was so purple from sweat it was black. Honestly? It was just kind of amazing.
It was at about this point when pretty much every follower went nutso. @lschutter1102 is a pretty good example of this, as she started off the first half with many tweets along these lines:
(By the way, Cook did have some solid plays. Good for him.) Only to end the night with tweets like this:
And then I'm assuming many tears, hair pulling, hyperventilating, and bottle shattering in dark St. Paul alleyways. I mean, OTHER people were doing that, not me or anything. And didn't half of us call this? I mean, we all knew this was happening, right? I'm always shocked by this level of surprise.
Another fan, @colinseiler made a pretty astute observation during that critical 4th down call:
Uh, yeah. Screwing up that call is a fireable offense. Someone needs to be sent packing after that, whether it's Musgrave, Big Leslie, Gerhart, the line judge, Ragnar (please?) or David Kahn, I don't care. Someone better fall on the sword for that shit and be as broke as my lazy ass is. I won't stand for it. I was as jacked as anyone when the cameras turned to Purple Jesus and he was waving Leslie off saying "BACK OFF JEW TOY, I GOT THIS SHIT JUST GIVE ME THE GOD DAMN ROCK." I'm fairly certain my butthole simultaneously clenched in excitement while my jaw dropped a little bit. Neither of these physical reactions lasted that long, however, as the whitest person ever basically tripped backwards for a half yard loss on the play. I don't even ... Complete bullshit. Thank god Purple Jesus is already locked up in that contract or things would be about to get ugly.
The night ended in sadness, anger, and lots of nasty words by most tweeters. @olbagofdonuts helped us all to keep everything in perspective though:
Oh, wait, that's right. WE'VE TOTALLY HAD THIS COMING FOR TWO YEARS. Remember when Favre was on the verge of retiring, for cereal this time? It was going to happen. And then Childress drove an SUV to pick that glory hole up from the airport and start the hoopla that is going to set us back 15 years and curse our city, state, franchise, and favorite players for the rest of their existence. Was it worth it? Was it worth it to get to the NFC Championship and lose like a bag of nipples? No. Not at all, and if you say otherwise I seriously hate you. Damn Favre, he got the last laugh.
When it was all said and done, @MNScottyB chimed in with what might be my favorite comment:
Hahaha, nothing like a solid jab at the Twins while we're at it! BUT LAY THE HELL OFF THE TIMBERWOLVES OR I WILL HAVE YOUR FIRSTBORN. Also, someone should alert Scotty B that his text is pink.
To wrap things up, we look at this weeks "ReTweet of the Game" where I check to see what clever, witty, charming, and hilarious comment I made during the game that just stole everyone's hearts. This week, the retweet was made in jest but ended up being rather predictive as you can tell. Thanks to GenuineMillar28 for making me feel like a special prom queen by giving me unneeded attention and retweeting:
Make sure to keep the tweeting up next week, as we fight for that precious 0-4 record in our ongoing efforts to #Suck4Luck. Can we do it? YES, WE, CAN! That's the spirit! In the meantime follow us on Twitter, check us out on Facebook, and leave comments whenever you can because they make my inside parts feel squishy like a girl. So ....... Let's do this again next week!
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The game next week is going to be really exciting! Which horribly shitty team can do more to lose the game? Andrew Luck will be watching with bated breath.
Stadiums and winning in Minnesota? The Timberwolves have a very old arena, and.... oh wait. Bad example.
I've received very important news that the dog's name featured here is "Bowser." Now everyone wins!
I'd just like to point out that while Al Green may not be "SMASH YOUR FACE IN music," it is smash your lady in the butt music.