It's Valentine's Day at Purple Jesus Diaries, which means one of two things:
- You're raw-doggin' some desperate heifer bare-back, or
- You're violently masturbating and crying into a pair of old gym socks.
I don't really want to know which one it is, but what I DO know is that the Minnesota Vikings know how to celebrate Valentine's Day. You see, each player has their own tastes, preferences, and unique ways to treat a special someone during this day of love, and Purple Jesus Diaries is happy to spread that love with our readers today.
So, need a few ideas? Last minute shopping for a Vikings fan? Don't know the perfect way to tell that special lady (or boy!) that you love going down on them? We've polled expert football players and have the answers for you, after the jump:
We've all been there; the time is wining down on the work day and you still have yet to find an appropriate gift for your girlfriend/wife/boy-lover/body pillow. What do you do? Do you grab some shitty flowers from Target with some chocolate? Sure, if you strangle-killed romance years ago. Do you try making her a hand made card or send her a personalized and funny e-greeting of some kind? Sure! ... If you want her to know she's as important as a megabyte. No, take it from the Vikings and their suggested gifts below, you have to treat a lady right if you want the ultimate prize on Valentine's Day: A blowjob.
- Brian Robison recommends eating a bunch of fresh fruit throughout the day. Focus on tropical fruits such as pineapple, strawberries, and mangos. They are all rich in nutrients and vitamin c, and provide a double bonus by making your semen taste like a tropical punch V-8 mix. This is of course an amazingly kind gesture to your fellator. It shows that you've been thinking about them all day long by eating fruit, and that you're concerned about their long-term health. It's a win-win!
- I have no idea if this is true or not* (just kidding, I'm totally making this up for satire), but a former wide receiver who received and wore #87 on the team would likely suggest you bring your "female lover" home a bottle of after-shave and a beard trimmer. Because personal appearance is very important ... even in the delicate regions.
- Vikings tackle Phil Loadholt is an old-soul, suggesting to fans that they really treat their special someone right, by bringing them home a raw sabertooth tiger shank which you wrestled and killed with your bare hands earlier that day for the two of you to feast on under the cave lighting.
- "Buy an ounce and fuck!" Guess who said that one?
- Christian Ponder isn't just a sexy face, he also knows he's a sexy piece of meat. His suggestion is to just walk into your home, take your shirt off, and if you have any problems beyond that he can't help you because he's never hit a snag after that first step, nerd.
- Leslie Frazier is a bit of a traditionalist, and is a bit more of a swooner than a full-blown sex pot. He's shared that he's a big fan of coming home to his wife, putting on some Thelonious Monk, pouring a nice glass of Sangiovese for the two of them as they swap chocolate covered fruits, and then have sex on the bear skinned rug in front of a roaring fire place while Toby Gerhart video tapes them.
- Chris Cook thinks you're being a bitch, and that you should just hit the woman if she gets upset with you for not getting her a gift. She probably doesn't deserve one anyway.
- Cedric Griffin is stuck for ideas as well, so you probably should do what he did when he stopped by the West End for happy hour to stall for ideas, got wasted, and then drove home drunk before getting pulled over and spending Valentine's Day in jail. Allegedly.
- Visanthe Shiancoe has a simple suggestion; use TWO Hefty bags.
Did we miss anyone? Let us know if the comments, and enjoy yourself a happy Valentine's Day. Wherever you are, whatever you end up doing, make sure you don't think of the Vikings while trying to arouse yourself, because it's a sure way to kill a boner.
Oh ... and to not leave people TOTALLY empty handed, here's a nice picture of Kate Beckinsale and some totally random shirtless guy:
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If I'm not able to secure Toby Gerhart for the evening, is it okay to substitute any white person who has played running back to operate the camera?
@Qommie Yes, and I'll even go broader for you. Any white person who has a fetus head, whether they have prior camera operating experience or not, is allowed. In fact, the more of a "rookie" they are in this situation, the better. It really leads to that amateurish production quality that's all the rage right now.