Welcome to the offseason doldrums at Purple Jesus Diaries! To pass the time, we're introducing a new feature called "Much A-Poo About Nothing," which will chronicle a variety of Vikings players throughout history in comparison to bowel movements. What? Yes. Referencing the de facto Poop-tionary "What's Your Poo Telling You?" by Josh Richman and Anish Sheth, M.D., we'll be comparing Vikings players to medically described craps, all the ups, downs, messes, misses, and pains you can imagine. First up? Randy Moss:
The Man: Randy Moss came into the league in 1998 and went HAM on the NFL. Posting a rookie record 17 touchdowns and being selected as a rookie Pro-Bowl starter, the man was an outstanding football player. Whether it was posting multi multi-touchdown games, reaching behind defenders heads for a pass, or streaking down the sidelines of the Metrodome turf as the entire 65,000+ in attendance all gasped in unison, Randy Moss brought attention, euphoria, and unknown feelings of elation to not only the state of Minnesota, but the NFL as a whole.
The Poop: Likewise, Richman and Sheth describe a bowel movement called "Poo-phoria," also known as "Holy Crap," "Mood Enhancer," or "The Tingler." Here are notes from this duece:
- "This poo can turn an atheist into a believer and is distinguished by the sense of euphoria and ecstasy that you feel throughout your body when this type of feces departs your system. The exhilaration from this defecation, large in volume but varying in form, is often accompanied by goose bumps and even a little light-headedness as the discharge of the toxins is completed. You feel energized, as if you just woke up from a great nap. To some it may feel like a religious experience, to others like an orgasm, and to a lucky handful it may feel like both. This is the type of poo that makes us all look forward to spending time on the toilet."
See How This Works? The comparisons are obvious. For years there was nothing exciting about the Vikings. We sucked. Then Randy Moss game, and so did the goose bumps. Every time a ball was thrown his way you expected something great to happen, dare we say, you even got light headed? Watching the Vikings in their Randy Moss-Prime was equally like a religious experience. Attending "church" every Sunday to watch Moss catch a high "volume" of passes - some varying in form from the other - often refreshed fans and reminded us constantly why we all like football to begin with. And honestly, watching him beat the Chiefs (AFROS!) or Packers during the playoffs? Purely orgasmic.
That's why, in the lore of poop, Randy Moss IS ... Poo-phoria.
Thanks to Josh Richman and Anish Sheth, M.D., for their great book "What's Your Poo Telling You?" available for purchase on Amazon.
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So would a "Cleveland Steamer" fall under that category?? Or a "Dirty Sanchez"? Both could be euphoric/orgasmic. Just sayin'....
Your work really shines during the offseason, @PJD .
What happened with the Moss fiasco last year was akin to someone taking a gigantic steaming explosive diarrhea on my face.