After selling cheap pieces of paper ("stock") last year that told fans of the Green Bay Packers, "Oh, yeah, you totally can own a piece of this great franchise, we promise!" this week the team held their largest shareholding meeting ever. Coincidentally, it was also their worst.
Team officials estimated that upwards of 12,000 mouth breathers were able to lumber their way into Green Bay on Tuesday, July 24th, while an unprecedented number (21,000) finally were connected to the internet and joined the meeting via a new technology achievement called "video conferencing."
"It was easily our most attended shareholder meeting in franchise history," said Packers CEO and President Mark Murphy. "It wasn't very effective, however, as we ended up with ... how would you best describe it ... maybe too many cooks in the kitchen. As it turned out, some of the shareholder requests ended up being very odd."
As a shareholder, the thousands of fans who have purchased "stock" in the Green Bay Packers are allowed to attending annual shareholder meetings to participate in electing new directors for the franchise, hearing about organizational changes, and gain access to team and franchise officials to share their ideas and concerns. And share they did, as many team representatives were bombarded with a wide range of topics, from roster and player movements to ticket promotion ideas.
"We had one fan who suggested we update our uniform," said Red Batty, the Packers equipment manager. "Yeah, it was weird, he said he wanted us to change from the great traditional green and gold that we've always worn, the colors which have brought us many Super Bowl titles, to a ... costume, I guess you'd call it, that just consisted of sausage links wrapped around your chest. He said it still related to Packers or "packing" or something somehow. I told him we'd think about it."
Others shared their ideas for improving the team. "Oh yeah," said Eliot Wolf, Director of Pro Personnel. "We had some guys that were pestering us to give a call to Favre, just to see if he'd be interested, because they thought we should move Aaron Rodgers to a wildcat position like he was Tim Tebow, or something. Another suggested we call Vince Lombardi, to check his availability, because the fan said they hadn't heard anything new from him in such a long time that they were concerned. No, I didn't have the heart to tell them."
Perhaps most prominently, fans seemed to never run out of ideas to help promote the team. "We had one guy said he'd be willing to fly an air blimp behind his tractor in the middle of nowhere central Wisconsin if we paid him $100,000," shared Michelle Palubicki, Marketing Manager for the team. "I told him that may not be the wisest investment for his hard earned shareholder dollar, but that we should stay in touch because I LOVED his enthusiasm for getting the brand out there. I shred the grease stained napkin he scribbled his number on, of course."
Regardless, by the end of the meeting, the shareholders returned to what they did best. Not managing the team, balancing finances, or assisting with team promotion, but stuffing their faces with cheese curds and delusions of grandeur as they prepare for another season of being the most despicable franchise in all of the NFL. Congratulations, assholes!
*PS, none of these quotes are real, or at least I hope they aren't, but you never know. Satire!
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