What the Eff is this Ess?! I'm gone for a handful of weeks and the Minnesota Vikings go all Washington Redskins on me and sign a bunch of TOTALLY AWESOME PLAYERS during the opening free agency period?! ASTOUNDING! If I am not mistaken (and I don't think I am, despite not really having internet access for three weeks, but my word-of-mouth-informants are pretty reliable), the Vikings have now signed an entirely new offensive line, two new linebackers (traded for Patrick Willis, I heard?), signed Peyton Manning, two receivers, three cornerbacks, and two safeties to boot. We're set! ........
Oh, wait, we've just signed a bunch of dumpster slots like former Miami Dolphin running- and full-back Lex Hilliard? DAMN YOU, RICK SPIELMAN!!!
WHO: Uh, a former Dolphin running back and full back, Lex Hilliard. Former Dolphin, you say? Excellent move, Spielman. I can't wait to turn into the post-Dan Marino led team that has shit all over itself like a baby eating red curry. This guy is a genius GM.
WHAT? Well, we know Hilliard plays in the backfield for football teams. He runs the ball, and I would guess occasionally catches it. He might even block, too, but I wouldn't place any bets on that. He is also relatively young, fitting an arbitrarily needed youth movement that Rick Spielman has this team focused on. Good! Because young football players never make mental mistakes, and never grow old! It's a fool proof plan! To my knowledge, Hilliard is also not related to Ike Hilliard, who I always thought fondly of as a wide receiver for the New York Giants and Tampa Bay Buccaneers (although I have no idea if he's still alive or not, and frankly, it doesn't matter), but on the other side of that, Lex is a pretty good name. Lex Luthor, Lex Diamonds (Raekwon the Chef's alias), Lexus, Sexy Lexy ... there's a lot of potential for t-shirts here if this guy sticks. Also, he last wore #26 with the Dolphins, and since that number belongs to Antoine Winfield, fuck yo' couch, Hilliard. Get a new one.
NO, REALLY, WAT LOL? I don't ... I don't even. at 5'11", 240 lbs, he's a hefty bag behind the line of scrimmage and apparently is known for his blocking. I've always liked the idea of getting a real blocking full back in front of Purple Jesus again, even though he says he prefers not to run with one. He SAYS that, but I'm pretty sure when he was running behind Tony Richardson he was running like a BAUSS. And then there was Nafahu Tahi, who has been sent to die in a volcano, rightfully. I can understand Purple Jesus' hesitation to get another full back, but hey! Maybe this guy will be different from every other roster move Rick Spielman has ever made for the team! Maybe he'll pan out and he'll beat out the competition in Caleb King, Jordan Todman (who?), Ryan D’Imperio, and Matt Asiata! Maybe he'll be the next Cory Schlesinger! .... Or not.
SO? So I don't think anything happens with this. If anything, it doesn't tell us much about the upcoming season's Vikings' roster, but rather the team's approach to rebuilding this sinking love boat. Take flyers on random young guys, give them one year contracts, dump them when they don't work out, and draft in the top 5 again next year until you've sucked for so long you end up bound to not fail forever. I mean, if the Lions can do it we can, right? That's how Hollywood casting directors found Leelee Sobieski and her huge tits, I'm pretty sure. Just prepare for a couple (more) decades of ineptitude! Hurray, football!
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OK, before I get to ripping Rick Spielman, let me saY THAT ANY REFERENCE TO THE WU-TANG CLAN IS ABSOLUTE MONEY. Fuck you, caps-lock-finger-when-I'm-trying-to-watch-the-Gophers-destroy-Miami!!!! Sorry. Back to what I was saying... the Raekwon reference made my day.
Anyways, so I looked up Rick Spielman's bio.
Did you know:
1 - He was responsible for the Dolphin's draft for five years. In that time, they had exactly two first round picks. EXPERIENCED
2 - He used those two first round picks on Jamar Fletcher, who hasn't played in four years, and Vernon Carey, who came to the team from just down the road at the University of Miami. WILLING TO DIG DEEP TO FIND THE UNKNOWN PLAYERS
3 - His kids names are Juan, Luis, Ronnie, J.D., Omie and Whitney. I can't hate a guy that pulls out names like THAT for his kids, can I? That's a quality mix of names from all sides of the social spectrum. DIVERSE
4 - He replaced Fran Foley. THAT Fran Foley. AT LEAST SPIELMAN HAS A WIKIPEDIA PAGE FOR CHRISSAKES
5 - Traded for Jared Allen; drafted Purple Jesus, Percy, Sid Rice and Christian Ponder. Signed Madieu Williams, Bernard Berrian, and Brett Favre twice. NOT AFRAID TO SIGN GOOD AND BAD PLAYERS. DOESN'T WANT TO GROW HIS OWN EGO. VERY SELFLESS.
6 - As Chicago Bears Player Personnel Director from 97-99, he was responsible for the team drafting Curtis Enis and Cade McNown. OK... EFF THIS ESS!!! Seriously... why is he even associated with ANY team in the league. Christ on a crutch, he didn't even PLAY in the league! His only pro connection is his younger brother, Chris, who may have been a pretty good player once for the Lions I think.
@Hammy1724 So am I led to believe that Rick Spielman has sex with that many ethnic women? Because I just don't buy it.
@PJD Well, after further research, it seems that all his kids are adopted. Somewhere in that statement, there's a joke. It may have something to do with lack of manly abilities. It may have something to do with his player personnel skills (hey, maybe the kids have potential!!). I'm going with apparently his wife is the only thing that hasn't been f**ked by Rick Speilman - and I'm going with it because I am a dick sometimes.