Zero Insight with ... Sid Hartman: Doing Things Slow

Occasionally, PJD likes to check in with geriatric columnist Sid Hartman to see what secular insight the elder architect has included in his daily column. Most likely it is full of piss and vinegar, like the old man himself, but occasionally Purple Jesus comes across nuggets of blank wisdom like this special retardery …


While Rick Spielman has had his critics because the Vikings general manager hasn't made a big splurge in signing free agents this offseason ...

What? No! He's had his critics because he hasn't done anything worthwhile in his tenure on this team, including stupid moves like trading up for Toby Gerhart and trading BACK for Chris Cook, while also doing similarly stupid things as GM for another team, and holy shit why does he have a job? I don't hate him because he hasn't spent money in free agency, I hate him because he doesn't know how to manage a football team, generally (as his job would indicate he should). ... And because I dislike his hair cut.

... the past record of teams spending big money hasn't worked out in many cases.

Absolutely Redskins and Eagles and that time the Vikings spent $25 Million on signing Brett Favre!

"We're again taking it slow," Spielman said. "We're not going to go out -- I just don't believe in going out and spending a lot of big money on one or two free agents. I think the best way you continually build your roster is to have solid drafts."

Oh great. Now we all have something wonderful to look forward to while Rick Spielman poops his way through three years of paychecks with this franchise, building our roster through his "solid drafts" which will net us more Phil Loadholts, Nate Triplett, Asher Allen, and several other players which will unfairly receive dark wrath from my keyboard undeservedly because Rick Spielman drafted them. THAT'S NOT FAIR, RICK!

"Hopefully this year, we'll be able to have that same type of draft, because I know we have potentially another 10 picks coming in. You want to create competition, so we're going to look at some of these lower-end free agents to come in and possible compete with the other young players we have on our roster."

"You know how you build a team? By signing bad players to compete with bad players. That'll make them WORSE!"

Spielman said the Vikings, some $15 million under the salary cap, still might sign some free agents.

"We were thinking about bringing Tahi back? We only have 6 fullbacks on the roster currently, so, you know, competition."

"There are some guys that will come in and compete at different positions if we're able to get them," he said. "We're looking to upgrade in a lot of different areas, but a lot of times you can get those upgrades accomplished without the high-name guys or high-priced guys. You can find value in some guys at different positions, potentially offensive line or getting some competition in at fullback ...

.... Oh, I was joking, but it looks like Rick actually went there.

.. or looking at some potential returners out there."

This is a great point, since most touchdowns during a football game are scored thanks to kickoff and punt returns. Oh, field position? Also critical, since I've never seen Tom Brady drive 80 yards for a touchdown while napping seven times a game. Amazingly, good returns probably don't matter that much when your offense can consistently move the ball. Pure speculation on my part.

This past week, Spielman and Vikings coach Leslie Frazier were in Baton Rouge, La., to watch Louisiana State star cornerback Morris Claiborne. Spielman said the All-America put on a performance like he had never seen before.

Smoke screen, Rick, or I'll punt your dog.

So on that basis, the Vikings -- who I think are very unlikely to trade during the draft -- will have the tough choice of selecting either tackle Matt Kalil of Southern California or Claiborne. I think they will take Kalil to protect their investment in quarterback Christian Ponder from the left tackle position.

Wha ... I ... Do I ... AGREE with Sid?! I think we all do, but I just feel sick about it. I think I need my bed pan.

However, Spielman said that if somebody comes up with an offer like the one Washington made to St. Louis to get quarterback Robert Griffin III -- a deal that gave the Rams three first-round picks and a second-round pick -- he has to listen.

Listen, and then contemplate his choices while smoking out of his bubble pipe and fantasizing about Grace Jones. You know he's into that sort of shit.

God we are in so much trouble.

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