Little known fact: Minnesota football fans of ALL walks of life are pretty excited about this weekend. It's kind of a rivalry weekend all across the board. The Minnesota Golden Goofers are playing those bastard children from Iowa, while our team of semi-professionals are heading east to play our NFC North division rival the Detroit Kittens. Duluth is probably fighting with some sex traders or something sailing in off of the lake. I don't really know.
Regardless, as we look at all the rivalry type games that are out there, one thing becomes clear. While the NFL may have some great and storied rivalries (Packers/Bears, Colts/Patriots for a while, Vikings/Themselves, etc.), none of them can really stand up to the pageantry of rivalries in college football. The NFC rivalries don't have a trophy to fight over (Floyd of Rosedale), no cool rivalry game names (Red River Shoot Out?!), and barely any implications. I mean, we play each other TWICE in a season! Lose once? Oh well, just beat them later on! It just doesn't hold the same weight.
So today we are proposing the first outlines of revamped rivalry games with all of the Vikings NFC North opponents. We'll take a stab at naming them, proposing a trophy, increasing the stakes of each game, and provide other notes along the way. We'd love to hear your input in the comments, too. Let's get to it.
Vikings / Packers
New Game Names: The I-94 Battle, Battle for the Cabin in the Woods, Destroy the Commuters!, Uprising Against the Family Fuckers, Cheese and Wine Rivalry, Decide Who's Less Fat
Game Trophy: The trophy shall be designed as a single Vikings horn, turned upside down, with an orange wheel of cheese stabbed right on the top of it. It should be real cheese too, so over time it molds and turns fetid just like aging Packer fans. It shall be named "The Celebration Ale," respecting both states craft brews and the classic Vikings penchant for eating a bunch of food and cheese at victory celebrations.
Increased Stakes: Let's make the game more interesting! Whoever wins each game gets to impose a travel tax on the other state for whenever visitors travel over the borders. This will hamper all those asshole Wisconsin people who travel all the way from Hudson to Minneapolis every day, and screw with Minnesotans vacation plans to Madeline Island every summer. The tax will even be imposed during the offseason, so the "meaningless end of season games" all of a sudden take on new meaning!
Potential: A+, obviously. The stakes are ridiculously high because of proximity, and it would add another level of hatred between these two franchises, teams, and states beyond what's already there. That can only be a good thing in a rivalry.
Vikings / Bears
New Game Names: Midwest Metropolis Melee, Battle for the Bear Muff, Great Lakes Thems the Breaks, Chicago Dog vs. Sausage Fest, Give 'Em Back Their Coaches, Shit Stadium Slugfest
Game Trophy: For this game, the Vikings and Bears will fight over the "Kill Kount" trophy. It will be a decapitated bust of Gerry Kill, where each match is recorded on his puffy cheeks. Chicago will want to keep it for all the great work he did at Northern Illinois, and Minnesota will fight for it because Kill has reminded their college program that you indeed CAN win your out of conference games! Motivation for everyone.
Increased Stakes: Both Minneapolis and Chicago consider themselves to be prime tourist destinations, yet constantly see other people around the country refer to them as "fly over" cities. I would suggest that - to put a little extra fear into both teams - whichever state loses the battle has to adopt the slogan "The Flyover State" as their official motto until the next game is played.
Potential: B-. I've always liked the Vikings and Bears rivalry for some reason, but mostly for intangible factors, like, the two teams just beat the shit out of each other. It's hard to put that into words or images. Maybe for the Kill Kount trophy, we could also put a Vikings ax and a bear paw next to his decapitated head to infer some additional violence? I'd be OK with that.
Vikings / Lions
New Game Names: North Shore Yoopers Usurpers, Flaying of the Failing Auto Industries, Battle of Unemployment Rates, Pussy Vike Fight, Kicking the Red Head Step Child, 0-16 vs. 15-1
Game Trophy: Both Minnesota and Michigan have parts of their state that are given over to the wilderness, attracting a bunch of hippies and weirdoes in canoes and other natural shit. I'd like to see a trophy that is like a 1/4 life size of a canoe with a Viking on one end and a Lion wearing swim trunks on the other, as they both sit facing each other, paddling in opposite directions. We'll call it the "Flew Over the Canoe" trophy, and it will be made of iron ore and rich mahogany, something neither of these teams probably deserve to own.
Increased Stakes: Between games, both teams should up the stakes by being forced to have 51% of their new job hires be from the winner's state. Also, the employer will be forced to allow the new out-of-state employer to telecommute during their time with the company. The rule will be a boon to both state's economy, so it has practical value as well.
Potential: A solid B, I think. The stakes need a little work, but I love this trophy idea and think there's a lot more we could do to make fun of how shitty a city Detroit is. Really, the rivalry should be all about how much their team has sucked, forever, and how we shit on them like we've shit on Detroit and their auto industry. Suck Vikings nuts, fat cats!
Which one do you think has the most potential? Which one needs the most work? Let us know in the comments. And of course, FUCK IOWA. So much.
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You could simply, and aptly, name any/all of these "rivalries" the Battle of the Retards. There, problem solved. Winner gets to boast until the next game about being slightly less retarded than the other team. But if we ever win any of these games... not Toby. He is full-retard.
@CollegeWolf Great point, my only concern is that if I was talking to a fan of the NFC South or something, and you were like, "Oh yeah, it's the "Battle of the Retards" this weekend, I'm excited!" they would have no idea of which game you'd mean. So you'd need to do like "Battle of the Rahtards" "Battle of the Retards" and "Battle of the Ruhtards" in order to make it different enough.