The Book of Revelations: In the elder days, it has been said that a celestial being from above would return to Earth and lead the Minnesota Vikings to victory. Over the past five years, this prophecy has been believable. A blur of light so bright you dare not look at it, a hulk of stone so strong you dare not deny it passage, a touch with hands so gentle you dare not grasp it during a handshake, the mortal wearing #28 on the field in purple had managed to gather quite the group of disciples during his time on Earth. Yet before his Biblical birthday during the Christian year of 2011, it seemed as if his followers were to be punished for their beliefs. He was struck a devastating wound, ripping his knee asunder in more ways than a mere man could sin in a lifetime. The future was bleak, dark, and filled with laughing Wisconsin fans.
Yet those days are no more. On Sunday, September 9, in the 2012 year since his last death by stupid Romans, the Purple Jesus has returned. He once again appeared before us humans as a vision, as he first did five years ago. He then cured all our ailments, pushed back the darkness with one juke move, and made us BELIEVE again. Sure, it was only against the Jacksonville Jaguars - who by rights are terrible - and yes it only led to a 26-23 overtime win, but who cares? I for one thought Purple Jesus would never come back after his injury. I foolishly admit that my faith wavered. BUT NO MORE. He is back, the Vikings win, and football is ON, bitches.
Never forget. Purple Jesus has risen. He is risen indeed, Hallelujah!
Mushroom Stamp of Approval: OK, but really, we wouldn't be singing these praises so high if it wasn't for that son of a bitch Care Blair Walsh and his golden leg that can kick footballs from here to Jupiter. The rookie kicker made four field goals on the day, providing points when our anemic offense decided it was too busy checking out tits in the crowd to actually play. And thank god, otherwise we never would have been in this game. And kudos to the kid. Making your NFL regular season debut is no joke, but doing it in a game where you're called upon to kick a game tying 55-yard field goal at the end of regulation? GTFO. I would have had human waste matter exploding from every orifice on my body if I was in his shoes and Big Leslie asked me to do that. Him? "Sure thing coach, just let me grab my punter to hold the ball for me." OUTSTANDING. Walsh isn't going to have a day like this EVERY game during his career - and not even this year - but I'll take it when I can get it. And for that, he gets STAMPED.
Chris Cook Getting Cooked: On the other side of the ball, I can't say I was as impressed with everyone. I'm still really upset with our defense, pretty much all the time, but I never know if I should blame it on the actual player or the coaching staff. Because really, Alan Williams? Are we serious? Regardless, Chris Cook can't even use that excuse for his boneheaded play that let the Jaguars score the go-ahead touchdown at the time. If he was looking for a redemption game after his offseason of legal trouble where, remember, HE HIT A WOMAN, this game didn't help. I don't particularly care that he made up for it minutely later on, because that TD catch was pretty embarrassing. On the other hand, Josh Robinson looked alright when he was called upon, so it sounds like I can still keep my fingers crossed that our team will have passable cornerbacks sometime in the near future. I look forward to that.
The Shit List: Everything seems well and good right now, but inevitably this team is going to start pissing me off something fierce and I'm going to start getting really upset at football players, as players, not as human beings. Unless they go the aforementioned Chris Cook route. Either way, I'll keep a week to week running tally of who it is from the organization that is moved to my shit list either through craptacular play or because they pissed me off for various reasons. After week one, that list includes (in no particular order):
- Chad Greenway
- Chris Cook
- Bill Musgrave
- Jamarca Sanford
The reasons here should all be pretty obvious, but in a nut shell, Greenway is still our third best linebacker paid like Urlacher, Cook gets cooked, Musgrave called a pretty shitty game, Sanford is a bad safety who I don't trust, and Rangar is the worst faux mascot representation in the league. Pretty simple stuff, really.
NFC North Round Up: Check out this noise - The Vikings are playing above .500 football for the first time since 2009! And do you know what shark tits have a LOSING record? The Green Bay Packers! They lost to the 49ers on Sunday, which was fantastic to see. The best part too is that they don't get much rest to digest this game and come back on the attack, as they have to play the Chicago Bears this upcoming Thursday night. Speaking of, the Bears got past a rocky start and ended up beating the Colts big, thanks to Sad Face Cutler hooking up with his new receiving toy Brandon Marshall a couple of times. That's going to be two shitty games to play, as I'm fairly certain those two catheter bags are going to destroy us. Otherwise, the Lions also won, but did so in unremarkable fashion against St. Louis, which we have no idea how good they may or may not be. I have a feeling the Lions will regress to the mean this year now that everyone has their eyes on them, so maybe we can sneak a game from them. Either way, the standings are as follows:
- Detroit, 1-0
- Chicago, 1-0
- MINNESOTA, 1-0
- Green Bay, 0-1
Looks good, man.
Haiku for Winners:
"Blaine, close your eyes tight,
Tonight, it's surprise butt sex -
I'm going in dry.
Alright, good stuff everyone. I'm trying to not get too excited about being 1-0, because man did that game almost end really horribly, but shit, why not. Purple Jesus came back and looked outstanding against all odds, Percy looked fantastic and pretty much like the only dynamic player on the team, Ponder didn't SUCK but he wasn't great, and maybe the defense has potential? Even not royally dry humping the clock management at the end of regulation to get a field goal out of it showed miniscule improvement by the coaching staff, which is more than I would have credited them with at the start of the year. So there's that. Screw it, let's keep the train rolling. Enjoy the win everyone, and remember this feeling. Who knows when we'll have it again.
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This game did nothing to dispel my feeling that the Vikings are a truly awful team. HOWEVER... Percy looks poised to be one of the top two or three players in the league, and Ponder didn't look like a complete bag of assholes (half full, maybe).
And AP's return was beyond awesome. He looked as if he was TRULY proving people wrong. That phrase gets thrown around quite a bit, and has lost too much of its meaning. But her really, really looked like he was trying to squash any doubters.
However, the D-Line had more stupid penalties, Cook got burned again, the linebackers weren't in the backfield, and the safeties were mostly unseen.
They're a bad team that COULD end up being a little bit fun to watch. And they're ahead of the Pack!
There are only three important facts that came out of this weekend in the NFL.
1. The Vikings are TIED FOR FIRST IN THE DIVISION BITCHES!
2. The Vikings are a full game ahead of the Packers!
3. The Vikings have an infinitely better record than the Packers (who are, after all, winless, while we are, technically, undefeated)
@Lakeville Mikey Also note, the Vikings are tied for the best record in the entire league right now. We are on pace for a 16-0 season, while the Packers are on pace for an 0-16 season.
Entertaining game though, I was shocked we won. Purple Jesus = god, and Percy is a MEAST. I guess I like Randolph too, and Care Blair looks legit. Nice to have a studly young kicker for once. Pondexter is just "mehhh" to me. I think it's pretty obvious he'll never be an upper tier nfl QB. And that's what ya need to win these days. And our defense is still beyond atrocious. Any halfway decent team will gash us unrelentlessly.
@CollegeWolf I'll get even fouler and say that any halfway decent team will BLOODY our gash relentlessly until we scream for legitimate rape.
Maybe. There at the very least is raw talent and potential in the defensive backfield, but my big questions is whether the coaches can coach these guys up at any point. I say no.
@CollegeWolf @PJD I lied, I have more. Percy looked great, like we knew he would. He seemed like the only one who gave a damn during the first half (Purple Jesus -all-time Vikings rushing leader- excluded). Defensively, I'm trying to keep in perspective that the offense looked like they couldn't wait to get off the field, punting after 1:26 TOP. The Jags long first drive was on the defense, but offense has to give them a chance to rest.
@CollegeWolf @PJD Greenway had a couple nice plays where he broke up some passes (2 or 3 that I remember off the top of my head). Henderson was just okay, but looked to be out of position on multiple occasions. As much as I liked Longwell, I can see why they let him go. Walsh's leg is impressive. And holy shit! Did you see how Kluwe held the ball for him? Unbelievable and truly instrumental in the Vikings win.
I'm in a fairly good mood so I'll just leave it at that.
We're better than the Fudgepackers! We're better than the Fudgepackers! We're better than the Fudgepackers! We're better than the Fudgepackers! We're better than the Fudgepackers!