Welcome to something that is KIND OF like an Acting Cordial column where we preview the upcoming game with a blogger from the opposing team, except this douche nut that loves the Colts isn't strictly a Colts blogger, nor is he a part of the Bloguin network which is so revered. Also, he's Canadian, so everything he says here is pretty much a lie and smells of walleye. Regardless, he was kind enough to answer some of our questions about the Indianapolis Colts and Minnesota Vikings game this weekend, so let's so him a hint of decorum and read through his dribble. On to the questions!
Purple Jesus Diaries: First, go to hell for going from Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck. You fat humps don't deserve that type of success while we have to suffer through a QB from Florida State! But aside from that, how excited are you for no-chin Luck?
Gally: I already have my deluxe coach on the train booked. Secondly, I'm not fat. I'm fat boned. In seriousness, I'm tempered. As long as he doesn't Tim Couch it, ill be okay. As the franchise, he will be afforded time to grow. Now if he goes all Cam Newton/Peyton Manning in year one, well, I'll be celebrating with your mothers and all the bottom rate Guatemalan blow I can muster. Maybe some purple drank too.
PJD: Also, who is your coach now? Honestly? I thought I saw Jim Caldwell as the quarterbacks coach in Baltimore. QUITE the fall, eh? Is this new coach any good?
Gally: Our coach is Chuck Pagano. He's got some chops. He was formerly the head of the Ravens defense and was actually the one who killed that guy. Ray Ray assumed the fall because he was scared. In seriousness, he's got talent. He interacts with and accepts that fans are actually a part of the business. He so shows more emotion than that fat, useless swampcunt piece of shit, Jim Caldwell, though that's hardly a difficult thing to accomplish. Also, he's got a manly beard and a strong jaw. Not Cowher strong, but he's still swoon worthy, you know, if you run a Minnesota website that features pictures of topless men, or whatever.
PJD: What are your realistic expectations for the team this year?
Gally: Realistically, 5 - 11 or 6 - 10. Anything more is gravy. Unexpected man gravy. Someone is getting pregnant. Probably a Kardashian. They get around with the athletes.
PJD: Have you ever even been to Indianapolis, or Indiana for that matter? Do you know anything about the entire state more than what they show you on "Parks & Rec?"
Gally: I've never been to the States, let alone Indiana or Indianapolis. Don't worry, that's changing this year. Not Indiana though, because obviously. Everything I know about it comes from Parks and Recreation, Ron Swanson erotic fan fiction, ChristmasApe, Hoosier and this one hot girl I follow on Twitter(no, seriously).
PJD: What was it like to see Peyton go all robot on the Steelers in Week One? Difficult? Did you cry? Tell the truth.
Gally: My official thought on Peyton is that I hope he plays well enough to not embarrass himself, but not so great that the Colts look retarded for cutting him. So, after week one, I'm more or less okay. Plus, he beat the Steelers, and fuck those guys. Also, unrelated, I may have cried myself to sleep that night.
PJD: How is your defense? Is Dwight Freeney old and busted yet? What about your corners? We need all the passing assistance we can get, because we suck. On offense, but everywhere, really.
Gally: Much like the sperm you distribute into a variety of socks and dirty undergarments, the Colts defense has potential. It'll take at least another year to realize it, but when you wholesale switch from a 4-3 defense to a 3-4 defense, there are going to be tremendous growing pains. It takes time to instill the correct personnel. If Vontae Davis gets his head screwed on right by Pagano, and the Medical Staff stops giving the team fragile pills, anything could happen. Freeney is old, but not busted. He's not a great run stopper, but he is still a great pass rusher. He may not get as any sacks as Allen or Ware, but he's always in the QB's face, and that's important. As it stands now, and barring injury and people being lazy fucks, this Colts secondary is a far cry better than last year's edition. Management was actually competent enough to make changes to it, including several trades which never seem to happen in the NFL.
PJD: Have you heard Andrew Luck's voice? Doesn't that freak you out? It freaks me out. I would never place that voice to that face. What the hell, man.
Gally: I haven't. But based on your recommendations, I will avoid it until he's on SNL and every second commercial.
PJD: You guys had a bit of a rough outing against the Bears, but that's understandable as a rookie on the road who is a dipshit. Do you expect the team to bounce back, especially against a defense that blows as bad as the Vikings?
Gally: Yeah. The Colts more or less held their own until halftime, but turnovers were the big issue. I expect a year of growing pains, but anything is possible against the Vikings. As Magary likes to say, they are unassailably talented at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Which, oddly enough, is an apt metaphor for my sex life.
PJD: How can the Vikings defense stop Andrew Luck and the Colts offense during their home opener?
Gally: The Vikings D can stop Colts offense if they can penetrate our O Line. Which isn't hard. Our OLine is porous like a sandstone formation in an oil field. Or whatever sexual metaphor you prefer. Seriously though, we're taking linemen off of teams practice squads because ours have came down with cases of brittle and fragile and serious sucktitude. We can't run. "GODDAMNIT" Donald is terrible and the line can't open holes for him. And Jared Allen is going to be all over Luck so long and so hard all game, that Luck might be able to successfully file sexual harassment charges.
PJD: What's your game prediction? Be gentle.
Gally: My prediction for this game is... puppy bowl. Two teams not quite interested nor sure what's going on. But nevertheless, someone will be sexually aroused by it. I have it 24-21 for the Vikings. Purple Jesus and what have you.
I'm Gally, aka @charminggrump. You can sometimes find me parading around a bunch of miscreants, PJDiaries included, over at TheGallyBlog.com. I promise I'll write more there one of these days, but don't hold your breath. Well, maybe do. You are Vikings fans after all, and the oxygen deprived high might be the only sweet spot in your lives. I don't know, I don't have ESPN. Literally. Stupid Canada.
Jesus, this guy is an asshole. Thanks, Gally!
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HahahahahahA great stuff! Definitely one of the funnier ones of these. The Vikings *could* totally win this game, but I fully expect us to EFF IT UP somehow. Inevitable.
Oh and Luck will probably pass for 652 yards against the pathetic bunch of inbred losers we call a "secondary." Oh and go to fycking hell because the Colts no longer have Charlie Johnson, and we do. Unfortunately for us.
@PJDiaries @CharmingGrump That was outstanding and hilarious! I'll plug it on the DN if I see you anywhere.
@Qommie well, you see, when a Minnesotan and a maple tree live each other very, very very much... @PJDiaries
I would be okay adopting some of those Canadian rules if it meant Kluwe on the field for defense and an epic back and forth punting, kicking battle for a touchdown (wut?) on third down. http://youtu.be/d5BFaykcxGg
@Qommie God dammit, Canada.