Time to Get Super Fly: I would be lying if I told you I wasn't super excited for the return of Jerome Simpson to the Minnesota Vikings this weekend. Truth of the matter is that he probably won't have THAT big of an impact, particularly in his first game in over a month, and it being with and against new teams, but come on. The guy has shown legit speed on the field, a great rapport with upstart quarterback Christian Ponder, titillating athletic ability to leap like a lizard over flying opponents, and is likely best friends with Percy Harvin and John David Booty. That gets a free pass in my book any day of the week. Most importantly, Simpson - at least in theory - brings that whole vertical dimension to this offense that we have yet to see. This, of course, also means that coordinator Bill Musgrave has to be smart enough to use Simpson the right way, and I just don't know if I'm ready to believe that he will yet. But hey, we weren't supposed to win that 49ers game either, so I can get stupidly optimistic at this point in the season about ANYTHING I want to, right? That's how this works, so let's get to winning ALL THE GAMES.
Special thanks to Drunken1 from Rube Chat for another great game preview graphic!
MC Stafford Preps for Game Time: I love it when we play the Lions. I don't care if it's the last week in September, but it feels like Thanksgiving day. You know, since they always play on Thanksgiving ... Whatever. They also have a fun team now. They have an asshole coach who purposely wouldn't give updates on his quarterback's injury status to try and screw up the Vikings game planning all week. Their defensive tackles are pretty awesome. I think their defensive backs suck, but having a cornerback called "Spivey" is pretty nice. They also have quarterback MC Stafford, who now looks like is going to play. We've chronicled Stafford's girlfriend and her huge tits before, but that was only the second best part of highlighting Rapper Stafford. The second best? His imagine love for hip hop jams, yo. So today, we decided to put together a playlist of songs we're guessing Stafford probably listens to in the locker room pregame to get jacked. Here it is:
- "Halftime" by Nas
- "Hit 'em Up" by Tupac
- "Gimme the Loot" by The Notorious BIG
- "The Militia" by Gang Starr
- "Shook Ones Part II" by Mobb Deep
- "Ante Up" by M.O.P.
For the record, though? MC Stafford can pick out some BANGING tracks. I'm ready to go finger blast someone now!
It's Been Two Years: Two years since what, you say. You had sex earlier last month when your wife stopped complaining about headaches and laid off the Thai food for like a week, so we couldn't be referencing that. No, no ... We're talking about TWO YEARS since the Vikings have won a divisional game. ANY divisional game, against any opponent. Literally. Two years. 12 games. We're on a 12 game divisional losing streak. That blows, man. Do you know when that was? It was during that magical 2009 season with the Dong Show Brett Favre at quarterback. If you're already feeling like that was forever ago because this recent 3-13 season has aged you ten years, well ... I'm not going to tell you you're wrong. Regardless, this shit needs to change. I think the team is much better poised to do the traditional series split with every team in the division, and who knows? With as mind dumb as the rest of our division is, that might just be enough for us to win the whole thing. What a bunch of school children.
Shut Up, Chris Cook: I'll be upfront right away and say I haven't noticed Chris Cook this season. For a cornerback, that's actually probably a good thing. For instance, I knew DAMN WELL who Benny Sapp was during his entire career with us, as well as Frank Walker and Fred Smoot. See what I mean? The fact that Chris Cook has flown under the radar is probably OK. But then, he has to go out and say how he "can't wait for Sunday" so he can get to face Calvin Johnson again. Let me guess ... You've been hanging out with Jerome Simpson these past three weeks? You WANT to face Megatron and have him spike touchdown passes in your face? Listen, Chris, I know athletes always say they want to compete against the best to test themselves, see where they are at, but that's just player speak, man. No one actually means it. What people really want is job security. You want to play guys you're going to dominate so you always look better. Surround yourself with mediocrity so you float to the top. It's pretty simple office politics, bro, get your shit together. Or, I guess, just do your job Sunday and then I'll come back and be like, "YES! HE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT IN SAYING THAT!" But probably not.
Dolan of the Week: I like this Dolan comic because it's so playful! He's like a laughable uncle just trying to spend some quality time with his nephew and then, PFOOT! Spoon in the ass. Simple as that. But it does raise questions like, what happens to the food on the spoon? Is it just recycled into the system and immediately turned to poop? Does it act as a blocking agent in the lower intestine? ... Hmm ... Seems problematic. Maybe it's not as funny as I had thought it was.
Scotch of the Week: For this week's scotch, we're going into the vault and pulling out an old one. This week's recommendation, the "Isle of Jura - Prophecy," is one I tried a long time ago and don't remember much about other than it packed a wallop, like when your team hires Leslie Frazier as a head coach, but feels good. So maybe like when your team eventually fires Leslie Frazier as your head coach? That'd work better. It's got an edge to its color, that of ripe hay (I don't even know what that means, but these are my tasting notes ...) and old gold. I imagine old, bad gold teeth. Mmmm! It smells kind of awesome, like caramelized butter with a touch of brine, which is probably just the indicator that YOU GON GET DRUNK. It feels heavy, even a bit malty, in your mouth, and has that distinct peaty taste of shoe leather, and sea salt. The taste is a weird mix between smoky and sweet, though, as it finishes with sweeter notes thanks to being aged in a sherry cask. Pretty awesome way to get blacked out, though, so go grab a bottle.
Shirtless Viking of the Week: In case you've been neglecting your own erections and wet lady parts, we will remind you likely on a weekly basis until people get sick of it that Purple Jesus Diaries has developed an AMAZING collection of Shirtless Vikings for your convenience. It's located at the top bar of the blog, and currently as a highlighted story, so hot, shirtless football players are never too far away from your finger tips. Last week we had a great submission from a reader of Harrison Smith, and it was worth it to have to go buy new underwear. No new Shirtless Vikings this week, but I instead wanted to highlight a Shirtless Kyle Rudolph taken from before last season's start. It's a valuable photo now, since he turned up his play and scored two touchdowns last week. And he and Shirtless Ponder are building some nice chemsitry together, probably while shirtless, so it's likely only to get better.
Tenuous Predictions: After last week's surprising win, my prediction record is now 2-1 on the season. Amazing! It's the same record as the Vikings! I pretty much play for them, is what I'm sure that means. Heading into this game, I'll say that I'm tenuously expectant. The Lions are banged up and looking vulnerable this year. I still think a lot of their defense looks like shit, especially in the defensive backfield. Why they haven't done more to address that this last offseason will never cease to amaze and oddly INFURIATE me. Because of this, and what we see as a growing confidence from the Vikings offense - particularly in the passing game - I think we really have a shot to grab this win. Some of you may be too young to remember, but the Lions game was always considered an automatic win on the schedule. The Vikings went on like a seven year winning streak over this collection of idiots, or at least it seemed like it. But then Tarvaris Jackson became a starting quarterback. Either way, I think the Lions are beatable, I think we got some confidence heading into the game, and I think the return of Super Fly Simpson (or should that really be Super High?) will pay dividends. I don't think he's going to go Randy Moss on anyone, but I think by the second half he'll have stretched the field enough that it will open up more underneath passing opportunities for Percy Harvin and running lanes for a continually improving Purple Jesus. We'll steal the game late, is what I hope, which is good enough for me.
Enjoy the game folks! We'll have a game thread up on Sunday for all of us to jump in on and make fun of the Lions in. If you have any pictures of men without shirts on in the meantime, you KNOW I'll look.
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HOLY CRAP WE DOMINATED AGAIN SOMEHOW!?!?!?
Let's just hope 3-1 isn't the high point of our season, but apparently these 'tards are showing some fighting spirit. Hopefully they can keep it up.
That penalty on Josh Robinson lolz?!?!? Wow, that was bad. Not his fault that receiver is a little biotch that just got slammed.
I thought we'd totally cover the spread, but I didn't see us dominating the game like that. Wow, good for them.
P.S. It was LESSly Frazier's first ever win against a NFC North opponent. Pretty sad, lol.
About to crack beer #10. Listening to Skid Row on YouTube, and there's no game thread. The one time I check out the thread and it's not there. Shucks. Well, do I proceed or just stop right now? I'm lost. Hang on... Beer #11... getting to drunk to type so here it is... coaching staff looks good (about motherfucking time) sorry, I'm trying not to swear. Ponder, Harvin, AP, defense, hot damn we're looking good. But so would a 200lbs asian woman right now. Oh baby. Are we for real?! Man, these Buds are going down like water...
Amazingly, I like our chances to win. Especially since Fatty McFatford is injured. Or at least, he's hobbled. Jerome Smokeson certainly can't hurt, and he's probably better than our other non-Percy inbred receivers. I think I'll bet on the Vikes to cover tomorrow. And then I'll get really drunk and punch myself in the balls repeatedly when they inevitably fail to do so in grandiose fashion.
@CollegeWolf LESSly, I love it. But, is our coaching staff actually "coming" around? Are they actually listening to us retards on this blog? Or are they just "cumming"? Interesting. Hmmm... We'll see next week. I love youtube when I've been drinking. We're talking Motley Crue to Metallica to Roxette to Chevelle to Iron Maiden to Katy Perry to Eminen to whatever... oh baby... maybe a little Starship? Oh gosh, I must be drunk...
@BlueViking You should teach a math class with those examples.
@CollegeWolf I hate to report to you that your testicles will be very tender by 3:15 PM on Sunday.
@honkeylips Probably just cumming.
@PJD That was to be expected.
(Insert frowny face here.)
@CollegeWolf CW with your 9 & 3 quarters everybody's cumming! Oh my goodness, I'm into the Bon Jovi... "Cause you were born to be my baby"... oh no...