PJD's Playoff Recap: A Tangled Webb
From Midnight to Six in Thirty Minutes:
Well, that's being pretty generous. My playoff boner went from solid to flaccid in much less time than that. In fact, I'd probably say it took all of 15 minutes, or by the end of the first quarter, for me to feel like shit. The boner was gone at the end of the first quarter, the drinks stopped flowing by half time. You tell me which is worse.
Either way, the Vikings 2012 season came to a predictable end on Saturday night. We all knew it was going to be a tall task to stroll into Green Bay and beat a potent Packers team two weeks in a row. We also knew it was going to be even harder when you put a hybrid receiver/running back in at quarterback because your up and coming franchise guy has an owie on his elbow. As it was, the shit was BORING. Hard to watch. The defense actually played better than I was anticipating, but the offense set the entire world back about 120 years. I mean really. Holding a fully healthy Packers team to 24 points should be decent enough to win. That's an Adrian Peterson touchdown, pick six, Ponder to Rudolph pass, and two Little Big Leg field goals away from a win. Doable! Except for Saturday night. I hate to say it, but Game 16 against the Packers was the one that really defined the season. This? This was like the Pro Bowl, except less sun and more sad tears.
This and more after the jump.
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval:
I feel a bit mean giving this Playoff stamp to Joe Webb, but what else can you do? As stated, holding Aaron Rodgers to 24 points is good enough to win for a defense. Maybe I could have given it to Christian Ponder for not fighting through his injury and getting out on the field, but holy shit ... Could you imagine the fire storm that would come if he was lame ducking balls all over the field Saturday night? No, I give it to Joe Webb because despite being put in a shitty situation this week, he still played really shitty. Tossing balls while getting sacked, running backwards for 37 yards, overthrowing receivers BADLY ... This isn't a preseason game, bro, we kind of need those yards. His play was a killer. His play allowed the Packers to play, what ... 13 guys in the box, apparently? And just shut down Peterson. If Webb could have connected on even half of his passes it probably backs the Packers off the line. But no, he was 11/30 on the night. Ugh. Despite all of it (and again, it was a no win situation, really), I will give credit for Webb for going out there and playing with a "whatever" attitude. On one hand, shit, I wish you would have been more jacked and took care of the ball, but on the other, that's got to take some balls to get out there and start a playoff game after going cold for 16 games the entire year. Even with that though, if the team brings Webb back next year I'll be pissed. He's not a receiver, he's not a running back, he's an athlete that can't get on the field to do athlete stuff. He sure a shit isn't a quarterback, so people clamoring for Webb can finally shut their pie holes. It does make me wonder ... Do we win that game if Sage Rosenfels had to step in? I bet it was closer.
Christian Ponder's Best Case Scenario:
Honestly, this worked out pretty much perfectly for Ponder, and for the Vikings front office. Ponder closes out the regular season winning his last four games, without throwing a pick in any of those games. The fans remember him as a hero with GREAT potential heading into 2013, and the team doesn't have to do much to work on the quarterback position besides finding a better veteran back up, as mentioned. This takes pressure off Ponder, it takes pressure off of the coaches, everyone wins ... Except for the team, because if we all remember, no one knows still if Ponder is any good. Really. His last four games he "won," sure, thanks in large part to Adrian Peterson running for OH, 700 YARDS OR SO IN FOUR GAMES. This whole thing still makes my stomach just feel like I ate a breakfast burrito with Tabasco and put dark, black coffee on top of all of it before eating a pint of ice cream, but what are you going to do ... Like it or not Ponder will be out starting quarterback next year. We'll call that our "make it our break it" year.
John Kuhn:
I don't have much to add besides just wanting to say I hate this fat fucker's face. This guy is the worst piece of shit on the planet. The attention he gets from Packer fans is just so telling, too. They cheer for this half wit because he's the closest tub of lard to what Packer fans think of when they picture themselves out on the field, ass slappin' with Aaron Rodgers. Just being scrappy! Getting touchdowns and wins! This cement foot has zero speed, is absent athletic ability, and is as strong as a wet cat. In fact, he might be SO devoid of talent that he sucks in the talent from those around him. Watching him score two touchdowns in a Packers playoff win against us is just such a fucking Packers thing to do. KUUUHHNN!! KUUUHHHHNNNN!!! I bet you if his name was John Kuhn and he was black, those assholes wouldn't think twice about him. Packer fans are the absolute worst.
Notes and Nips:
Lot's of other shit that happened in this shitty game played by shit heads, so let's break this shit down:
- If that was Antoine Winfield's last game (and I don't think it was, but you never know) it will make me very sad.
- Aaron Rodgers is so fucking good, and I hate that. He can make some pretty amazing throws. The rope he threw to Nelson while he was rolling out right and found him tip toe-ing the sidelines was outstanding. What an amazing, talented, gay, impressive, gay, great quarterback.
- There were so many receivers open this game, it broke my heart. Kyle Rudolph tricking out a corner and safety and streaking wide open down the field while Joe Webb tap danced in the pocket made me want to punch shit blocks.
- This game was so depressing I stopped drinking by half time. No lie. I just said, "I'm done, no point any more," and proceeded to eat chocolate chip cookies.
- Really, what was the coaching staff thinking all year if Ponder got hurt? Were they really going to start Webb? Did they think it didn't matter because we wouldn't win all year? When we did start winning, why didn't we sign Sage back? He's not doing shit. Why hold on to McLeod Bethel-Thompson? That kid will NEVER see the field. Never. Drop him and bring back Sage as #2, Webb as tricksy Hobbit #3. Fucking coaches.
- If Harrison Smith would have hurt himself playing in this shitty game I would have gone full rage mode.
- It's surprisingly easy to imagine Clay Matthews running his tongue along another man's cock, isn't it? Such an easy visual.
- Outside of one weak punt, Chris Kluwe was EASILY the MVP. He had PERFECT hang time on his balls (*ha*) and he was kicking those things real far Saturday night. He kept us in it with the field position game all night long. I like his soul.
- Score a touchdown with 3:30 left or whatever, and you don't even pretend to do an onside kick? You pooch it to the 35? Why? What were you hoping to accomplish? Again, fucking coaches.
The 2012 Loser Haiku:
"Smile while you can, son,
For the Lord will wroght damage,
Upon you this game."
Well, that's it for now, everyone. The season is over, and that's OK. If I knew we were going to lay such a bad egg in the playoff game, I definitely would have tried to get Adrian Peterson those final nine yards in the last game of the season. But even then? Man ... That game was one for the ages. Great stuff, and I look forward to it next year when Peterson runs for 2,500 yards.
Thanks for hanging around this season, but don't for a second think we're going anywhere. If you're a newer reader to the blog, the offseason is some of the best time to be around here. That's when we really let the jokes fly, get off topic, and have some fun, so please, stick around and enjoy. Find us on Facebook, check out our Twitter, and we're actually working on a Pinterest page because our labias are SOOO swollen. So join us, won't you?
Thanks everyone, and Skol Vikes.
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Peace out Viking Nation losers. Got to go back to the oil fields of North Dakota and continue making myself rich.
God bless North Dakota and the Packer Nation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@biqueens2013 Keep waiting for this puss bag to come back and tell me how much better the Packers are than the Vikings, even though they only won one more game than the Vikings in the regular season and lost to a team TWICE in the 2012 season that the Vikings beat on their first try.
Hey, at least the Vikings kept their playoff game within two possessions with a back-up quarterback!
At least there are a couple of you douche bag Vikes fans that have some pride and piss and vinegar. Keep bringing it, this is very entertaining.
I get the feeling nobody likes me :( Come on Viking Nation say something!!! Oh wait that's right your foots are shoved so far down your throats you cant say nothing. My bad.
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@biqueens2013 The other issue is that Minnesotans are all busy "working" at "jobs" that pay "money" instead of sitting at home finger blasting our farm animal's butts before dumping out manhood throw up all over their furry backs. So you'll excuse us if we're not as free with our time as you are, SIR.
From what I hear most of you pathetic fuckers are collecting unemployment!!!!
Come to North Dakota and earn a living instead of living off OBAMA CARE.
Take that back, dont want any of you loser Minnesotans infesting our great state!!!!!
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@biqueens2013 Maybe you're getting ignored because you're trolling a post that's several days old. try the newest post for more dialogue.
@peterandkelsey @biqueens2013 Blogging 101. Can't blame a Packer for not understanding basic blog etiquette during his first online session ever. Or her.
@CollegeWolf no I didn't vibrator boy. Stupid joke - u live at home with mommy and daddy virgin little bitch!!! Did u get that joke u bunghole!!!! Lololololol
@CollegeWolf @peterandkelsey @biqueens2013 Monkey boy can't even figure out how to add an image to his Livefyre avatar. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOTROLLOLOLOLOL!!!!
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@PJD @peterandkelsey @biqueens2013 Understatement of the Year here, but Packers fans are not smrt,
What the fuck is Skol Vikes suppose to mean anyways. Dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard.
Cheeseheads is much better :)
POSTSEASON SUCCESS
The Packers have won two straight NFC North titles for the first time since 2002-04, when the team captured three consecutive divisional crowns.This season’s NFC North title marks the Packers’ 20th division crown in franchise history.With the Week 15 win at Chicago, Green Bay clinched its 28th postseason berth in team history and its 15th appearance in the last 20 seasons.The Packers have made the playoffs in each of the last four seasons and five of the last six, the only NFC team to accomplish those feats.Green Bay currently ranks No. 3 in NFL history with its 28 playoff appearances, trailing only the N.Y. Giants (31) and Dallas Cowboys (30).The Packers’ 15 postseason appearances in the free-agency era (since 1993) are the most of any team in the NFL.Green Bay improved to 30-17 all-time in the postseason with a win over Minnesota this past Saturday. The Packers’ .638 winning percentage in the postseason ranks No. 1 in NFL history (min. five games):
Team, W-L Record (Pct.) 1. Green Bay, 30-17 (.638) 2t. Pittsburgh, 33-21 (.611) 2t. Baltimore, 11-7 (.611) 3. Carolina, 6-4 (.600)
One last thing! Congradulations to Adrian Peterson in breaking the NFL rushing record!!!!
Ooops my bad, he missed it by 9 yards!!!!! LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO LONG LOSER NATION AND HOPE YOU ALL ROOT FOR THE PACKERS, GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO ADD A LITTLE CLASS TO YOUR MISERABLE LIFES!!!!!!
Vikes nation, do you think Pissy Harvin is going to be back next year?? Team really improved after he was gone, Ponder I think didn't feel so obligated to throw it to his whinny ass all the time. Probably get a lot of good draft picks for his bitch ass!!!! Best thing they could do in my opinion. Pick up a couple quality WR's in draft 2013.
Have to talk a little football, cant rub it in your faces all the time!!!
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One more thing-how many superbowls have you won the last 20 years??? Pack 2 - Vikes 0
Lets go back a little further, wait still no superbowl wins. I will look a little further, ah still no Vike superbowls.
Dang cant go back any further-football wasn't even invented yet then!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
PURPLE PECKER DICK EATERS WILL ALWAYS BE LOSERS!!!!
Ok I am done now, don't want to have vikes nation go into a loser frenzy!!!!!
@biqueens2013 Should we count years we've both had quarterbacks lead our teams who were addicted to pain killers?
Come on PJD you can do a lot better than that!!! How bout we include drunken wannabees that led our teams(Good Ol Tommy Cramer) EHHEHEHEHEHEHEH
You cant pick on Brett Favryyyyyyyy he was your almost savior!!! But even Good Ol Bretty couldn't save Loser Vikes Nation from their eminent demise.
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BIQUEENS SUCK. PJD is the biggest, whiner, loser vikes fan I have ever come across!!! And there are a lot of them. Read your pathetic whining article on "how the packers actually lost Saturday" You should be embarrassed, every point you made was truly the most pathetic attempt at covering up for you loser Viking team. Packers are truly the best team by a million miles when compared to the Vikings. If Ponder played it would have been 42-0!!!! Packers when into pussy mode and trying to run clock out after they scored in 3rd quarter ( frickn hate McCarthys pussy ways) coming from a Packers fan.
Anyways good luck in the playoffs (oops that's right you guys got your asses handed to ya) sorry already looking towards 49ers game, a real opponent at least this time.
Have fun with draft and good luck (wait you guys will screw that up also, aka-Christian big baby Ponderless) Wish his bitch as would have played so we could have kick it all over the field.
So long DOUCHE BAG Vikings nation!!!!
@biqueens2013 Did you just call the Packers pussies? Why would you call your own team that?
"you guys got your asses handed to ya" - 24-10. That equates getting your asses handed to ya these days. Call everyone, alert them to this change!
Unlike Vikes fans always making excuses for your team. Pack nation calls a spade a spade, see we live in reality not fantasy. Talk with any Pack fan and they will tell you same thing, McCarthy goes into ultra conservative mode when he gets a lead and doesn't finish off his opponents like Patriots do. If he would have done that against Vikes it would have been 42 - 10. You guys couldn't stop us until we went into predictable mode.
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Those fuckin' Packers even kicked my dog. What a sad day. Thank God the "D" was reasonably decent, or this would have been a total embarrassment (like Joe throwing the ball straight up while getting sacked wasn't). I hope the Joe expiriment is officially over. Heads should roll over that. Total fail.
There's always next year, right?
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Well that dicktastic game could have (barely) gone worse. Trade Webb for a dozen footballs and a box of farts.
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@CollegeWolf Love the box of farts. Only contingent on who's farts. Mila Kunis'? We definitely win that trade. Roseanne? ... We still win that trade.
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"Midnight to six". Love it. That's why I love this blog. Don't comment as much as I used to but, I am body waxing myself on a daily basis so, what am I gonna do? As for the game... ah fuck it. I was three beers in when I heard Ponder wasn't playing but thought to myself "maybe Webb can at least manage the game for us". Kept on drinking. Switched over to the Crown Royal right before kickoff. Here we go baby! Watched that first drive of ours. Got so excited I literally tugged one off right there on the couch. Poured another drink, and then saw Webb throw the ball up 10 feet in the air when he was getting sacked and thought "cock balls dammit". I too, was done drinking by halftime. That game was over before it started and we all knew it. Maybe that's why the pain isn't as bad as it usually is. Or maybe I'm just getting used to the big strap-on I gotta take at the end of every football season 'cause I live and die for a loser team. *sigh*
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Damn. Damn. Shit. Shitty. Fuck. Okay...little better. I have been saying it all god damn year, ever since they cut Sage. Webb makes a shitty 2nd string QB because he needs a different playbook than Ponder to do well. Fuck. At least they only won by 14. If you showed someone the "highlight" reel of Webb and then told them the other team only won by 14, they would laugh thier ass off. This game proves that Green Gay sucks donkey nuts.
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@seefuj2000 The morons who were clamoring for Webb to start over Ponder all season long almost drove me to drink lighter fluid. And that's WITH the understanding that Ponder isn't that good, yet.
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I talked to a Packer fan today, to see if I still feel. I focused on that pain - gosh dang, it *is* still real.
Her smug attitude tore a hole (that old familiar sting) I tried to drink it all away but I remember everything.
What have we become, my fellow Vikings fans? Every year we know that a loss is how this ends.
@peterandkelsey Well ... To be fair, 31 teams end every season on a loss of some sort, whether it be a totally lost season like the Chiefs or a Super Bowl loss. Still, best to avoid talking with Packer fans any time you can.
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Yeah, I know. I was just feeling NineInchNails/JohnnyCash-y and forced my experience to fit into the lyrical mold of "Hurt", which is a totally apt song for we unfortunate Vikings fans this time of year.I keep telling myself that each season in which Minnesota does NOT win the SuperBowl is like blue-ball sexual foreplay that doesn't go anywhere or do anything except increase the pressure of the impending orgasmic explosion of pleasure when the Vikings fnially do go all the way.
@peterandkelsey Oh, that day ... Hide all of the women. Raping and pillaging is the least of the NFL's worries. I'll be tying Roger Goodell down whenever that day comes.
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Yes, it IS incredibly easy to visualize Clay Matthews knobbing another dude. I'm certain that he and BJ (where'd he get THAT name, hmmmm?) Raji just fellate each other non-stop to the point of teasing all week long then after a game like Saturdays they pop with enough mayo to shampoo a buffalo. And what a total dick spit way to get a sack - when he and Webb got tangled up. I lost a bet because of that. Another singularly Packers move.
