Percy Harvin: Still Super High All the Time, Apparently
Oh man, oh, bro, holy dude man, check this out, haha, this is awesome. *tokes some weed*
Percy Harvin almost walked out on the team last year. apparently, and also is having trouble reaching a new contract with the Minnesota Vikings because he wants Calvin Johnson money (8 years, $132 Million) instead of Dwayne Bowe money (About $11 Million a year). His unwillingness to negotiate on that amount is apparently keeping him from going forward with the Vikings, and, man, haha, this dude is high as hell!
I mean, have you ever seen someone smoke so much weed where they think they deserve an EIGHT year contract?! And over $130 Million dollars on top of that? What is this, Alex Rodriguez during the steroid era? Did I smoke so many trees that I slipped through a wormhole that went back into time? Is Full House on TV still? Is John David Booty being recruited by USC still? I'm so hungry, man, let's get some Funyons with your new contract.
And you want WHAT?! Like $130 Million dollars? Sounds good, Dr. Evil, we'll just wire that to your house with some kind bud seeds in an unmarked envelope. Be home between Noon and 2PM this Saturday and watch for a FedEx box. Haha, are you sure that's going to be enough? $130 Million? You may blow through that pretty fast, man. Let's up the ante. Let me run your contract negotiations:
"Hey! Percy Harvin has the following demands that we require to be met before he plays for the Minnesota Vikings, or ANY other NFL team in the coming season:
- One hand rolled joint from the Dead Sea Scrolls
- Eleventy Trillion, four hundred thirty seven billion, nine million, eight hundred fifty six thousand, one hundred thirty four and ten cents worth of Dollar Coins, stamped in separate copper and gold versions, delivered to his house immediately upon signing in dump trucks painted orange
- 20 years guaranteed, with no headache clauses. Not cool, bros
- A promise that whichever team signs Percy commits to also signing John David Booty as the 3rd string quarterback and blunt friend for Percy's career
- A copy of "Airheads" on VHS
- Personalized, licensed, velour gloves for each game day, in "Marijuana Green"
- A pet Alligator named "Boxer"
Once these demands are met, Percy will totally play for you guys when he wants to, and smoke as much weed as he can, because that's how life works, homies. Get with the program."
Haha, man, Percy cracks me up. This is just a classic move by our favorite wide receiver. I hope he never stops smoking.
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Well....... can you seriously blame the man?!? I'd be hiiiiiiiigh 24/7 too if I were Percy!
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OK... I love Percy and all (and not just because of his Hogwartsian name), but Calvin-Johnson money is ridonk! Heck, even a Dwane Bowe-type of contract is probably ridiculous for a short slot receiver (which is all he's ever going to be).
I absolutely agree that you should pay someone what they are worth, and if Percy was being a good team player then I agree the Vikings shouldn't dick him around... BUT, I also think you need to treat a bitch like a bitch, and it is starting to sound more and more like Percy is kind of a bitch (and I mean bitch in the non-gender way, ladies... ah, who am I kidding, no ladies read this, right?).
Short answer, the Vikings need to negotiate, in good faith, an extension, but they don't need to pay Percy some ridiculous amount just to keep him happy. If Percy can't realize he isn't worth #1 receiver kind of money, then we should trade him for whatever we can get (hopefully before the draft) or force him to play out the last year of his contract and drive down his market price even further (because other teams don't want a prima donna bitch either... at least other teams besides maybe the Jets and the Cowboys).
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@Lakeville Mikey You have to think economics though, and not just of the team, but of the state. If the Vikings don't re-sign Percy, what does that do to the weed market in the state? It could go two ways ...1) Percy's departure creates a huge influx of additional marijuana in Minnesota, driving prices down, making it more affordable/accessible to people, but also saturating the market and killing the profit margin for drug dealers, or 2) He leaves and we all find out he was actually supply all the weed in the state. Demand remains high, supply runs low, people start stabbing each other for weed and we turn into a police state. Is that worth not signing Percy Harvin back to the Vikings? Saving a few lives. THINK ABOUT IT.
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@PJD You see, that's why you have the blog and I don't. You're always thinking outside of the box and are about ten moves ahead of the rest of us.
Look what happened with Latrell Sprewell. He went bankrupt and shit after the Wolves refused to pay him. Classic example of undervaluing the cost of living for a super-star athlete.
You can't truly expect a man to feed his family on 11 million a year... If that's the case, he'll have to resort to smoking that Lakeland 2-5 shit.
