In an attempt to rid the team of every player I care about (Run, Purple Jesus, get away while you can!), the Minnesota Vikings released Chris Kluwe, the 31 year old punter that was heading into his ninth year, who transcended what football to live among the clouds of AWESOME. Maybe it's a good thing he's cut from the team. The Vikings are turning into such a boring group of cold potatoes that Kluwe's "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" references are wasted on our backwoods denizen fans, and the soulless, faceless entity now in front of you more accurately represents the franchise, the NFL, and the bland brand of sport they offer. Exciting stuff!
Also, anyone who bothers to get up in arms to go OUT OF THEIR WAY, and make sure everyone knows Kluwe was TOTALLY RELEASED because of football reasons, which are PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE, is pretty much just confirming the elephant in the room and are being lustful cock monsters. Just like Frank Fitts in American Beauty.
Anyway. The Vikings are going through a youth movement, blah blah, they wanted a cheaper kicker, words go here, go fuck yourself Vikings, you've successfully rid yourself of the last remaining players I want to cheer for (outside of your heavenly running back, obviously). Hopefully Kluwe signs with Seattle so my team allegiance switch will go smoothly!
So we bid adieu, sweet prince, and write you a parting ode via haiku:
With erotic flowing locks,
You brought sunshine north.
Ball management skills,
Evident from rookie year,
On field work good too.
With purple and gold,
Your kicks would bring sweet justice,
To sucky offense.
Rode oft to battle,
Fought Bears, Lions, and Packers,
Devin Hester won.
But not a battle,
Will win a war, said some guy,
Who never punted.
Your fight for the gays,
Was just and proud - Made us all,
A little bit gay?
Adieu Chris, my prince,
May your Warcraft guy be strong,
And thanks for the fish.
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You have won the award for
Worst haiku ever!
Because of the Packers reference, you see.
That was beautiful. Is there any chance the Best Shirtless Viking award will be an annual thing renamed to the Chris Kluwe memorial award for excellence in shirtlessness? Or something to that effect. We can call them The Kluwes.
@Qommie Love it.
@Qommie There is a definite chance of the Shirtless Viking award being annual. The exact name will be an issue pinning down, but I see no problem immortalizing Kluwe with such a title. It's clearly deserved.
My favorite part of the haiku?
"Ball management skills, Evident from rookie year, On field work good too."
Or, it would be funny if he signed in the CFL as a QB, just to show the world he could do it better than Teebow. He could probably still punt for them, too.
Damn, a part of us has died. Sad day. I hope he signs with whatever team eventually wins the Super Bowl next year.
@CollegeWolf That's the good thing about guys like Winfield and Kluwe not being in Minnesota anymore. Their chances of winning a Super Bowl significantly increased just by not being on the Vikings roster.
BTW: If you want to say goodbye to Kluwe, go see his band Tripping Icarus play tonight at Cause in Uptown. 10PM, $5 cover. If anyone wants to go, I'd be in.