Not a Chance in Hell
Have you ever felt more certain of the outcome of a game already than the game between the Vikings and the Bears this weekend? The Vikings head to Chicago for only the second game of the season, but they leave Detroit with a division loss and head into a raging inferno or herpes needles at Soldier Field to face another divisional opponent in Chicago. But hey, no problem, it's not like the Vikings play poorly there, or outside, or on the road, or against division opponents, or against strong pass attacking offenses like Jay Cutler, or .... God dammit.
Really, what are we expecting? That the offensive line pulls it together after an entire preseason of butt dragging, and a first game of self immolation and becomes a cohesive unit? That Ponder has the lights click one - conveniently while in Chicago - and dinks and dunks his way down the field METHODICALLY for touchdowns all the time? That the sieve through the middle of our defense will be solved by a hobbling Kevin Williams returning to the line up? Sure, sure ... All of those things could happen, and the Vikings could win, but it would still only come after a heart attack amongst the fan base in a close game. I don't know if I can put up with that this early in the season, you know?
Thanks to KILLERCHEF at Rubechat for another Game Day Preview graphic!
Chicago Drama at Its Finest
If you haven't been paying attention, Chicago has been going through a lot of changes this offseason. First they let middle linebacker staple Brian Urlacher dangle like a dingle berry all offseason before declining to sign him, forcing his retirement. Then, at some other point, they hired like a CFL coach in Marc Trestman, who looks like he has a concave chest, probably. Then they cut J'Marcus Webb, who was awful as a starting tackle, and the Vikings signed him, so they could also have an awful football player. Now, apparently, Brian Urlacher and Jay Cutler are bickering like an old gay couple because Cutler hasn't called him since his retirement. This just follows the classic Urlacher/Cutler pussy comments, and should be par for the course. I don't know how any of this affects this weekend's game, mind you, it just reminds me that Chicago as both a sports team, sports town, and regular old city, are all overrated.
All Hail Black Unicorn!
However, if you want to like anything about Chicago, like Matt Forte and the outrageous amounts of fantasy points he'll put up this weekend. Or, like new Bears tight end Martellus Bennett, who has dubbed himself The Black Unicorn. That was the nickname he gave himself last season when he was with the Giants, and frankly, if anyone can give themselves nicknames and not sound like a huge ball sack, it's going to be Martellus. However, he's slipped a little this season as others have now tried to nickname him something like "Clutch McGee." Obviously, that doesn't have nearly the same ring as "The Black Unicorn" so if it were to stick, he'd lose some points. But he already lost points by signing with Chicago, so here we are.
Can Adrian Go HAM?
The only great game I can remember the Vikings playing in Chicago was during Adrian Peterson's rookie season where he ran for like 225 yards and had that amazing kick return with time almost expiring that set up a game winning field goal. Amazingly, games from Peterson have only gotten better since then, but here's hoping he pulls another one of those Purple Unicorns out of his asshole and nets us a win this weekend.
For the good stuff, start at the 0:45 mark.
Meme of the Week
Another 60s Spider Man meme, for no other reason that I hate those damn commercials and this seems to be appropriately making fun of them. You could also change it to "It's my team, and we need a win now!" but that would be false advertising.
Scotch of the Week
In keeping with the spirit of transitioning from full blown summer to fall weather, we're going to take it easy on you when suggesting scotches. Today, we're looking to the Lowlands of Scotland, and choosing a malt from Wigtown called Bladnoch 8 year. By their nature, lowland scotches are almost absent of peat but burn like undistilled grain alcohol unless allowed to age properly. Bladnoch is a choice scotch to consider from this area, with the 8 year having a nose of sweet apples and beeswax. The palate will hit you with some flagrant flowers and hints of honey in the middle of the tongue, like you're going down on a cosplaying bumble bee. It's very light and clean, and is as fresh as a spring day, so, the opposite of how your ass smells after sitting watching the Vikings lose for three hours. Think about that.
Shirtless Viking of the Week
Essentially the only reason we follow the Vikings anymore. I don't know what to suggest to you today, as the number of pictures of new shirtless Vikings has certainly dwindled in the past months. Let's take this angle. Outside of Purple Jesus, here's a shirtless picture of the only other Viking who will make an impact, points wise ... Blair Walsh. Hurray!
Dead Inside Predictions
We gon' lose. It gon' be bad. In fact, at this point, with Ponder starting at quarterback, our offensive line looking as bad as it has for such an extended time this pre- and regular season, and the defense getting gashed like a Saw victim, I'm just going to temper my expectations before every game until proven otherwise. This lower of expectations (the ONLY way to go as a Vikings fan) will actually make the wins feel that much greater when they inevitably, and unnecessarily, happen. I can't wait!
But for this weekend, Jay Cutler gonna go big, and might even crack a smile. He's going to have a god damn field day, and I would recommend starting him in your fantasy league if he's available. Forte will also look like OJ Simpson out there gashing us on cut backs and screen plays. It's going to be a clinic. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but it's not like we have Tarvaris Jackson and Paul Edinger to rely on this year. Let's just get to the Browns game and have some ignorant fun, OK?
Enjoy ... the game, folks?
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What in the Hell has happened to our Offensive line? I can see them laying down on Ponder but when AP can't get a God damned handoff before being piled into the turf, I mean.....Fuck!! Can we eliminate the unnecessary Ponder to receiver stare down and just announce in the snap cadence who he's going to throw to? "Down set Blue Jennings, Blue Jennings, hut hut!" Or would that be considered unprofessional?
Welp, that said it all. Shall we play the Pouty Ponder drinking game? Here's to hoping the injuries are kept to a minimum.
We're gonna start the season 0-11 with Ponder. Then they'll FINALLY bench him for some butthead like Cassell or whomever else and we'll probably (unfortunately) win the last five games of the season, which inevitably gives us the 3rd worst record and takes us out of the Clowney/Bridgewater sweepstakes. (SIGH)
Lowered expectations - I live by that mantra, as do most Minnesotans I know. Not sure if that is a result of the Vikings or a culture that made the Vikings what they are - anyway, it's the safe and sane way to survive the mental, physical and emotional toll of 40+ years as a fan. I'll be watching the game with a good friend who happens to be a Bears fan ( there is NO such thing as any kind of friend that roots for the Pukers) and have already told him I'm expecting defeat to the tune of 44 -17 or so. While I'm certain he'll make an effort to be gracious and consoling throughout - NOT, at least I've preemptively taken some of the fun out of the game for him ( a favorite tactic of long time fans like myself). That being said, I will still relish any little victories in the match-ups and hope for some discernible improvement in overall team play - oh, and a FEW drinks as well, ENJOY!
@CollegeWolf Oof. That one hurts right in the feels because it's so true.
@halweg9000 Pretty much the sanest thing I have ever heard. God speed.